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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with my mum?

25 replies

icarriedawatermelon2 · 01/02/2010 14:25

I am 39 weeks pregnant, toddler not sleeping well, totally exhusted.

My mum normally has my DS on a Monday and a Wednesday whilst I work however since starting on maternity leave hasn't offer to have him......dispite saying how much she adores him and can I have him this weekend etc. The thing is thats not when I need the help as DH is home and wants to be with DS.

I called mum yesterday as the Health Visitor is coming to do newborn CPR training today as we had acot death in the family....ummm no came the reply I am snowed under at work......

The thing is she has been having DS for a year and a half Monday and Wednesdays, arranges her own diary and flexable working hours. Suddenly she has decided she would rather have meetings on Mondays etc. When I do ask she makes me feel guilty and huffs and puffs. She has always been a bit like this.

I know I sound ungreatful, I am lucky to have free childcare when I do work.....I just feel a bit unloved. She NEVER asked how I am.......

OP posts:
PandaEis · 01/02/2010 14:37

icarried sorry you are feeling unloved i think that YANBU for being annoyed but could i just ask, was your request to your mum a last minute one?? maybe she thinks that because you are at home, you dont need the help. my mum is a little like this and expects a big song and dance about how fantastically grateful we are to have her help i dont understand it myself as i always make her know that i am over the moon for her help when she can give it, she just expects more

i hope you manage to sort it out with her as at 39 weeks you could easily do without the stress

victoriascrumptious · 01/02/2010 14:47

YANU I think you are a little spoilt with your free childcare and are taking your mum for granted a bit

Original poster
icarriedawatermelon2 · 01/02/2010 14:54

You have hit the nail on the head PandaEis

She does seem to want to know how fantastically grateful we are to have her help!

I am just so tired!

OP posts:
Original poster
icarriedawatermelon2 · 01/02/2010 14:55

victoriascrumptious I knew that was coming!
I pay in other ways believe me!

OP posts:
fruitshootsandheaves · 01/02/2010 14:57

I'm afraid I agree with Victoriascrumptious, you should be grateful for any help and not take it for granted.

thatsnotmymonkey · 01/02/2010 15:00

Have you talked to your mum directly about it. YABU if you have not.

Original poster
icarriedawatermelon2 · 01/02/2010 15:16

yes, she said she would help out as much as possible on the normal days.....hence why I am a but puzzled. I'm not taking it for granted but when she does help out she then makes me feel guilty.

OP posts:
Original poster
icarriedawatermelon2 · 01/02/2010 15:18

Interestinly when I said not to worry about today my aunt was going to help, she got all defensive......."oh I could move things around etc"

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 01/02/2010 15:19

She may be snowed under with work

after a year and a half of supporting you to do YOUR job, she is entitled to change things around a bit especially as you are now not working

you do sound ungrateful but you are very pregnant and tired ... it is horrid

diddl · 01/02/2010 15:26

Yes you do sound ungrateful.
Perhaps she figures that whilst you´re not working she doesn´t need to give free childcare.

And if she huffs and puffs-perhaps you should take the hint?

thatsnotmymonkey · 01/02/2010 15:54

Hmm, tricky, maybe you need to ask her what is going on, would she give you a straight answer?

dreamingofsun · 01/02/2010 16:04

as someone who's had probably a month's free childcare over the last 15 years i think you are being ungrateful. most people have to pay for it and it might have been quite a struggle for your mother to do this as well as work. Now you are on maternity leave putting your feet up she maybe wants to slacken off a bit herself. are you going back to work - she might feel a bit nervous about what will happen then and if she will be looking after 2 children

Original poster
icarriedawatermelon2 · 01/02/2010 19:55

ok, I get it. I am just so tired.....

and no dreamingofsun I am not putting my feet up with a toddler sadley.

OP posts:
dreamingofsun · 01/02/2010 19:59

apologies thats what i did on my maternity leave, so kinda assume others do

mellifluouscauliflower · 01/02/2010 20:25

Maybe you should let your Mum have your son at the weekend occasionally. Her "help" shouldn't always be entirely on your terms.

You say it doesn't help you out but maybe it's not about you, maybe this is something for her own pleasure.

If you do this little something for her, I am sure she will be better disposed to do help you out when you really need it as well..

Original poster
icarriedawatermelon2 · 01/02/2010 20:36

How did you do it with a toddler dreamingofsun ??? Top tips please!!

OP posts:
Original poster
icarriedawatermelon2 · 01/02/2010 20:39

mellifluouscauliflower, she isn't the most effectionate mum towards me.....can be quite cold sometimes. I just thought that as I have been so sick, in and out of hospital, on crutches due to SPD and my DS isn't sleeping well she may offer to continue to do a day a week or something......I appear to be being unreasonable.....I kind of didn't think I was but I did ask!!

OP posts:
moomonkey · 01/02/2010 20:47

i feel for you............and those that think you are ungratefuil should get a grip and give themseves a shake!!!I have a 2 year old and 7 month old, my mum works full time. So, i know it can be tough, i, do , however agree that you should take up her offer at the weekend, maybe DH could go too and give you total time out!!!
Dreamingofsun...........are you for real, how many kids do you have???

rubyslippers · 01/02/2010 20:51

icarried - I have a 3.5 year old and a 16 week old and on mat leave

you need to rely on cbeebies a bit and when your toddler sits to watch something get your feet up with a cuppa

or, take your toddler to bed with you so you nap together

you let all housework and anything non essential go for now

Original poster
icarriedawatermelon2 · 01/02/2010 21:03

Thanks moomonkey and rubyslippers I was starting to feel like a bad mother insisting on a day off!! I am just so fed up, terrible 2's seem worse when your iron is low, everything hurts, your toddler won't sleep and you just want THE BABY OUT NOW!!!

OP posts:
mitfordsisters · 01/02/2010 21:09

icarried - sounds like there might be a communication gap as well. Have you discussed whether the Mon/Wed arrangement would continue once you were on mat leave? Sounds like your mum has assumed now you are on mat leave that she is off the hook looking after your little one?? Maybe you need to renegotiate and explain that you would really value the help as you're very tired with a big bump.

dreamingofsun · 01/02/2010 22:23

icarried - to be honest i am a bit jealous that you have free help as all our parents live hours away. i used to get jobs done first thing in morning as time i had most energy then take child(s) out to play area they could run around in; or tea and coffee morning - somewhere i could sit and vegetate and they would wear themselves out and then after lunch we would cuddle up on sofa and sleep. they are happy days make the most of it - they quickly turn into large monsters who demand lifts/money/expensive things - i love them really

diddl · 02/02/2010 08:45

OP doesn´t your toddler ever sleep in the day?

I also had a toddler when pregnant & then obviously a newborn & toddler & never had help & coped.

Would sometimes nap in the day when they both did.

Got out & about to wear toddler out.

Original poster
icarriedawatermelon2 · 02/02/2010 10:25

Yes diddl he has an hour or so.

Will try sleeping when he/they do!

OP posts:
diddl · 02/02/2010 10:37

Mine are about 22months apart & it´s surprising how often they both napped at the same time in the afternoon.

Sometimes all that kept me going was knowing I could have a sleep in the afternoon!

But did have a very understanding husband as regards housework!

I´m a great believer in rest/sleep whilst you can with a toddler and a newborn

(And have been known to go to bed at 7pm when husband walked in telling him just to bring baby up for bfeeds)

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