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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that i shouldn't have to "stick to my own class"

18 replies

lematthedogs · 31/01/2010 21:16

really annoyed with DP over something relatively petty, but its playing on my mind.

Now, "my own class" i suppose, would be working class. My father was a railway worker, my mother a cleaner. My DP is a carpenter and I am a SAHM, I do have professional qualifications (PhD in Science). We live in a crappy but not rough part of a fairly affluent area - we are piss poor .

DD goes to a very good, catholic school which i guess most of the parents are what DP would term as middle class.

Me? I actually couldn't give a monkey's what "class" someone is from. I have friends who are working class, chavs (sorry), doctors, professors - i don't care what someone's background is, if i like them, i like them.

We are fairly insular and don't tend to socialise that much.

However, since DD started at her school i am associating with some of the mums and dads, and yes, they are very middle class in every cliched way you could imagine. But I like them!! One couple in particular, they are great, DD and their DD get on really well - now to me, they are very down to earth although i suppose they could be described as "upper middle class" (i dont want to say what they do as i think the mum comes on here and it would be obvious). They have never shown any indication that they look down their noses at me, and i have a highly tuned chip on my working class shoulder that notices this. DP however is dismissing them as "not his sort of people" and that he woudlnt get on with them because he is working class and they are so clearly not. They are not rich btw.

This has really annoyed me - firstly, because i like this couple and our children are good school friends and i would like to nurture the friendship. Secondly, and more importantly, i think it shows that DP actually doesn't hold himself in high esteem. Which is daft. Yes, he is not very academic but he is a fantastic carpenter and works his arse off on his business - in fact i dont think i know anyone who works so hard.

He was never like this with my university friends - some of them really were posh twats (but lovely anyway lol) he got on with them all really well - in fact out of all of my groups of friends they are the ones he got on with the most - they were all extremely down to earth - all PhD students, a couple of professors - but all mad as a box of frogs and could drink for England. (isn't that always the way)

So, whats with all this CLASS bollocks all of a sudden and that you are born into your class and then it is fixed. Don't know what that makes me then, as i say i may have been a railwaymans daughter, but my great grandfather was a lord chief justice and his family were extremely well to do (i keep hoping that some maiden aunt is going to pop their clogs leaving all their estates to me - i can but hope!). Because when i argued that my new friends might not be middle class by birth, but appear to be now - i say, he can't have it all ways.

Personally i think its all a big pile of bollocks and my DP is an inverse snob!

OP posts:
BrahmsThirdRacket · 31/01/2010 21:20

Argh yes it is bollocks. I had no idea people were like this until I went to university. If you like someone, you like them. That's it. Your DP is being silly and displaying low self esteem imo.

lematthedogs · 31/01/2010 21:27

it just irks me that because i am no longer at uni, i am of course, falling out of touch with my old friends - but now wanting to make new friends is a bit of a minefield being a SAHM as it tends to be with other mums only - i like male AND female company, in fact, if im honest i prefer male company. My DP is an antisocial arse - and i think the class thing is an excuse. What i am noticing now is that there are friendships forming between the COUPLES, where the Dad is being more friendly. DP just doesn't seem to want to know and im missing out.

OP posts:
WidowWadman · 31/01/2010 21:27

It's nothing but reverse snobbery from your husband. Tell him to be not so stupid. Class is not about what you earn anyway.

lematthedogs · 31/01/2010 21:32

exactly Widow, and DP would agree with that - lol, he would quite happily associate with the millionaire car dealear guy because he considers him working class, but he is a nob who has NO class and likes to be flash with his cash.

OP posts:
WidowWadman · 31/01/2010 21:33

Then make friends without him. If he wants to be antisocial, fine.

You need friends, and you need social interaction, and I guess having a PhD in physics you also need conversations where you can use your brain from time to time. Make friends with couples, too. If he doesn't want to come along, great, at least you've got an instant babysitter when you want to go out to see your friends.

lambanana · 31/01/2010 21:33

Sounds like he has seen his arse over you having new friends and is using the class card as an excuse.

woodyandbuzz · 31/01/2010 21:37

Tell him he needs to put his DD first - she likes the child of the other family and so he has to make an effort with that family for the sake of his DD.

mateykatie · 31/01/2010 21:47

Snobbery is silly. Reverse snobbery is just as silly.

The fact that he was very happy socialising with the post PhD students suggests that like any sensible person, he knows this perfectly well, and there is some other, deeper reason why he doesn't like these people?

mateykatie · 31/01/2010 21:47

Argh post=posh!

lematthedogs · 31/01/2010 21:56

matey, you maybe do have a point there.

Whats with this "seeing his arse" ??? He has a very nice behind thankyou very much

OP posts:
SkipHopJump · 31/01/2010 21:59

This is just like my DP. His family is very working class (as described by him) and perhaps mine are middle class (again as described by him).
His family hate mine because they are 'ponces'.

As are most southern people apparently, and most people on tv, especially chefs on cooking shows that use garlic.

It's reverse snobbery and it is pathetic.

lematthedogs · 31/01/2010 22:01

widow - not if the convo's with my other PhD friends are anything to go by, our pet topics were wife swap and big brother although my PhD was in biology, not physics - now THAT would be wayyy to clever for me

ROTFL at the chefs that use garlic!! Even my DP isn't that bad!

OP posts:
Lovecat · 31/01/2010 22:06

Oh God, my Dad used to be like this before he lost his marbles... despite my mum being stereotypically middle class in terms of education/values, he was a factory electrician (and a 'forriner' - South African) and v. insecure about his status - he embraced the whole 'Northern working class man' thing as his identity and before Alzheimers got him he was forever dismissing anyone with a smattering of perceived 'poshness' as a 'Tory twat', no matter what their actual politics.

Cringeworthy.

lambanana · 31/01/2010 22:10

lem see other thread for seeing his arse!

piscesmoon · 31/01/2010 22:11

Ignore him completely! If you like them, you like them. I have friends from all walks of life-it really doesn't matter.

ToffeeCrumble · 31/01/2010 22:12

I'm guessing that he thinks his job is inferior to theirs and that they will therefore look down on him. Maybe it was different when you were friends with posh students because he was less intimidated by students than by people with whatever career the school parents have.

almostreal · 31/01/2010 22:20

lematthedogs I can understand were your coming from I get a lot of reverse snobbery from my own parents and sisters, I come from a fairly poor background and whilst my parents always say they are glad I 'bettered myself' they can be quite hurtful with their attitude to how DH and I live.

Truely why should it matter to them where I live, the car DH has or how our DS will be schooled, having more money has changed me I'm still the same person I was before.

I personally have no idea where I am on the class scale or even were others would judge me to be but my family would claim I'm a middle class pretender all because of where I was raised and my parents being the working poor.
It does make me very self- conscious at times.

almostreal · 31/01/2010 22:20

lematthedogs I can understand were your coming from I get a lot of reverse snobbery from my own parents and sisters, I come from a fairly poor background and whilst my parents always say they are glad I 'bettered myself' they can be quite hurtful with their attitude to how DH and I live.

Truly why should it matter to them where I live, the car DH has or how our DS will be schooled, having more money has changed me I'm still the same person I was before.

I personally have no idea where I am on the class scale or even were others would judge me to be but my family would claim I'm a middle class pretender all because of where I was raised and my parents being the working poor.
It does make me very self- conscious at times.

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