Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.. to want opinions on this?

50 replies

TrillianAstra · 31/01/2010 12:14

I was wondering what you all thought about living together before marriage, or more specifically about not living together before marriage.

I have one friend who is getting married this year, who (for religious reasons) has never spent the night with, or had sex with, her fiance (or anyone else). This is fairly simple. They think it's wrong to do these things before you're married, so they haven't. Not much to discuss there.

I have another friend who has spent the night with and had sex with her boyfriend, but who really doesn't want to live together before they are married. Her boyfriend, on the other hand, thinks that it's silly to get married without having lived toegther first.

Thoughts/stories/chat all welcome.

OP posts:
giraffesCantCeilidhDance · 31/01/2010 12:15

I would want to live with someone before I got married - had a fantastic friend and then we lived together...disaster!

SixtyFootDoll · 31/01/2010 12:20

I am in favour of living together before marriage
I dont think you will ever really know someone until you have lived together and you might not like what you find!

Fruitysunshine · 31/01/2010 12:23

If you get engaged to be married prior to living together then surely you feel you know each other good enough without living together? If not then why get engaged?

Living with each other is one of the challenges after the ceremony and where you make compromises in being able to live with each other.

gorionine · 31/01/2010 12:23

I think it does not necesarely make any difference to live together/have sex before or not :

One of my friend lived for 7 years with her boyfriend before getting married, they divorced less than a year later.

My sister lived for 5 years before getting married and 10 years later is still happily married.

I met and married DH within 6 month and 13 years later still happilly married.

Several of my friends have not lived at all with their future husband (religious reasons) and are so far happy in their marriage (9 years for one of them, the others more recent weddings)

scottishmummy · 31/01/2010 12:23

imo,live together.get to know self and partner.discuss children,finances,expectations,roles

AgentZigzag · 31/01/2010 12:24

I'm all for living together before you get married, but saying that, there are plenty of people who do live together before who still turn out to get on each others tits and split up.

SoupDragon · 31/01/2010 12:26

"I dont think you will ever really know someone until you have lived together"

Quite frankly, you can easily not know someone at all even if you have lived together. You only have to look at the relationships topic on Mumsnet to see that.

Having said that, I'm not sure where my opinion lies. I can certainly see the advantages of having lived together first (as I did) but this doesn't guarantee happy ever after at all so I also wonder if it actually matters at all.

[fence]

cookielove · 31/01/2010 12:26

I am so glad i live with my dp, now i know how annoying he is, but hey ho, i've got him for life now.

I cannot imagine getting married to someone and not knowing all those things, and then being stuck with it.
I guess it is down to personal choice but def not for me!

WidowWadman · 31/01/2010 12:27

I wouldn't have got engaged without having been living together for a while. Heck I've even insisted on trying out living together for a couple of months to see whether it'd work before deciding to give up my flat etc. Itinvolved moving to another country tjough, so was a slightly bigger step anyway.

Committing to a marriage without knowing what living with the other is like is totally loopy. imo.

FlamingoBingo · 31/01/2010 12:29

I think it's a very individual thing, really. Personally I didn't want to live with my DH before we got married - I wanted us to start our lives together properly as a married couple. We didn't see any reason why living together would stop us getting married - being married isn't about being with someone perfect, it's about being on the same wavelength and being able to communicate. Surely if you can do that before you live together you can continue to do it after you live together?

Maybe it's easier for me because DH and I married young - were able to start our adult lives together so didn't have to get used to living together after having lived for a long time alone?

Not sure why you have to be living with someone to discuss your opinions on finance within marriage, children etc.?

bronze · 31/01/2010 12:32

I liked my way
We lived in the same house but had separate rooms
I know plenty of couples who have done it either way and it has worked. Most of the nonliving together ones were Church friends so I wonder if the religious aspect actually helped

FlamingoBingo · 31/01/2010 12:32

so basically, I don't have a problem with people who want to live together before they get married, I just don't see a need for it and didn't want to do it myself

Original poster
TrillianAstra · 31/01/2010 12:32

at Flamingo "Not sure why you have to be living with someone to discuss your opinions on finance within marriage, children etc.? "

They're definitely not holding back from discussing that stuff - they each have very definite ideas on how many children they want, unfortunately the numbers aren't the same!

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 31/01/2010 12:35

the idealistic fantasy of living with someone happily married needs reality testing.live together pay the bills,share a space,imo physical and emotional proximity that you dont get living apart

having said that if one believes marriage commences with the vows etc then that would necessitate married before living together

its personal preference

have lived in sin for donkeys years,and love it.

Lovecat · 31/01/2010 12:35

My boss was Hindu and had an arranged marriage, they didn't live together or really meet much (certainly they didn't spend time together alone) before they married.

He would come in most mornings for about the first month or so looking utterly shell-shocked - he even took me aside and asked was it normal to argue so much or get so irritated by another person when you were a married couple!

I think there is a real 'pain barrier' you have to break through when sharing a house with someone, whether they be friend, husband or random person from a flatshare advert. If you can do that, you can come out the other side with a much better relationship, but while it's happening it's a nightmare!

I lived with DH for 3 years before we got married. Having lived with the disastrous example of my parents (who did the trad. 50's thing of not living together) I could never have just moved in with someone on spec.

Also, DH points out that to be a virgin on one's wedding night is an absolutely terrifying thought, what if it's really shit and then that's it, you're married for life??

FlamingoBingo · 31/01/2010 12:36

Well they probably shouldn't get married then, whether they live together first or not!

Seriously, if neither partner is open minded enough to try to feel similar to the other, then what is the point? It's clearly doomed!

Incidentally, my real dad (ie the one who buggered off when I was 7), who is an idiot, asked me the other week how our marriage was! He even said 'no seven year itch or anything?'. Twit! I managed not to say 'look, just because you're shit at being married, doesn't mean everyone is!'

Sorry, bit of a digression there!

daisydora · 31/01/2010 12:37

I never lived with DH until we were married, we had a 3 year engagement.

Partly religious on my part, and partly financial as living at home made it cheaper to save for our first house.

6 years on I don't think that living together or not has had any bearing on our relationship. But everyone is different.

FlamingoBingo · 31/01/2010 12:38

"the idealistic fantasy of living with someone happily married needs reality testing"

Really? I know lots of couples who are happily married and didn't live together first!

heQet · 31/01/2010 12:39

I think people should do what makes them happy and whatever fits with their beliefs.

NormaSknockers · 31/01/2010 12:40

Personally I wouldn't have wanted to marry DH without having lived with him first but I can understand why others prefer that. The only thing I think that can cause issues is where couples don't talk, whether living together or not, about such things as children etc. I was upfront with DH from the start, I wanted children & I wasn't prepared to invest my time in a relationship (no matter how I felt about him) with someone who didn't want the same thing. Thankfully DH wanted children too so there wasn't an issue for us but a friend of ours split from her DH before the wedding photos even came through (seriously) because he was adament he didn't want children & she did. They hadn't even brough the subject up before getting hitched

WidowWadman · 31/01/2010 12:40

"6 years on I don't think that living together or not has had any bearing on our relationship"

I cannot believe that.

NormaSknockers · 31/01/2010 12:43

Lovecat - I always think the same thing about being a virgin until your wedding night - what if they turn out to be utterly awful in the sack (I know sex isn't everything but...well....always better if it's good isn't it?)

daisydora · 31/01/2010 12:44

What can't you believe?

We are very happily married, I can't see how I could have been happier (or unhappier) had we lived together first.

But I agree with norma, we have always been very upfront with each other about everything - kids, expectations etc.

daisydora · 31/01/2010 12:45

But if you'd never had sex you'd have nothing to comapre it too I suppose

bellavita · 31/01/2010 12:50

I would never have been allowed to live with DH before being married - in fact I could never even spend a night my own house that I was paying the mortgage on until I was married (house bought in the April and DH moved in and we married in the June) - those were my parents rules . They were paying for our wedding and what I did went on their say so - well my mothers (my dad has to go along with my mother). DH and I have been married 23 years in June.

I think though, if that was me now I would probably live together first.