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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel that having children that eat and sleep beautifully is not the be-all and end-all of good parenting?

23 replies

gherkinwithapurplemerkin · 31/01/2010 08:07

I have 2 dds, 6 and 4. They have been parented in a pretty similar way but they are different personalities. Dd1 is quite highly strung, drama queen, emotional; dd2 is laid back, easier, cuddly. However, the older one is a better sleeper and much more adventurous with food. The younger still gets in bed with us 3 nights a week and is a moderately fussy eater. Sil has a 3 yo who has always slept brilliantly and eats more than my 2 put together (not overweight BTW). Sil is more than a tad smug about this and puts it down to "recognising our mistakes with dd2" .

As a parent of 2, I see her as having been lucky with a compliant child - next one might not be quite the same. Good parenting isn't just about good eaters and sleepers is it???

OP posts:
danceswithfools · 31/01/2010 08:13

I think that if having a child who eats a lot and sleeps well makes you feel better than other people, then you need to get out more! I agree with you, children are different personalities and sleeping and eating are part of that. My DD was and is much better at both than her younger DS, so not sure what you SIL would have to say about that! Clearly we have just let our standards slip recently

tethersend · 31/01/2010 08:23

It's a complete lottery.

I have been blessed- my DD (14mo) slept through from an early age, and rarely cries. Is it because of something I did? Is it bollocks.

The exact same sleep-in-my-cot-till-ten-thirty baby has just cried for 12 hours, pausing only to take 15 minute naps. Is it because we changed our parenting style at 8.15pm last night? Or are we perhaps unable to control every aspect of our lives, and she decides whether she cries or not?

I know what I mean but I can't type through lack of sleep. Something about parents believing they are in control when they're not. Blah.

ApplesinmyPocket · 31/01/2010 08:31

No it isn't, you are quite right. Not only that, but how they eat and sleep for the few years when they are small isn't any sort of guide to how they eat and sleep for the rest of their lives! By your SIL's logic, once yours begin, teenage-wise, to crave 10 hours sleep a night and to eat anything that's not nailed down, you could then smugly claim that to be your 'good parenting'

"Recognising your mistakes with DD2" - grrrr!

Bumperlicious · 31/01/2010 08:33

I'm completely at "recognising our mistakes with dd2" by your SIL - what a cow!

Can I also add:

Good walker
Potty trained

To your list?

Original poster
gherkinwithapurplemerkin · 31/01/2010 08:45

Oh I am not cross about the recognising mistakes thing. It made me smile wryly. In fact, I am not really ranting about her at all (though my OP looks like it, I know). Just a general grrr at the concept that good parenting = good eaters and sleepers, even in this day and age.

OP posts:
spybear · 31/01/2010 09:04

Can i just say i was that smug person too before i have no.3 child(dd). My 2 DS were so well behaved, good sleepers, good eaters ect ect. I thought i was doing everything right and everyone was doing everything wrong. Then along comes DD, who is a complete whirlwind of chaos, now i sympathise with other parents and don't just look down my nose. Hopefully SIL will have a whirlwind of chaos herself and then you can both have a good moan together instead of compeating

sarah293 · 31/01/2010 09:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Goblinchild · 31/01/2010 09:21

Good parenting is when you have a child who isn't easy for whatever reasons and you don't give up on them, reject them or try and pretend that stuff isn't happening.
The very best parents I've known have coped with very challenging circumstances, often lurching from one issue to the next in a fog, with only the certainty that they love their children as a constant.
SIL is a smug baggage who has a whole learning curve ahead of her. He's 3. She has no idea what may be on the way for her.

I'm still taken by surprise, and mine are 15 and 19.

Original poster
gherkinwithapurplemerkin · 31/01/2010 09:35

lol at Riven - so true. (Hope you had a slightly better/less worrying night last night)

OP posts:
SixtyFootDoll · 31/01/2010 09:38

Its not the be all and end all, but if you are lucky enough to have children that do eat and sleep well, then life is much easier!

sweetkitty · 31/01/2010 09:50

I have 3 DDs all treated the same way but all very different.

DD1 slept through from 6 weeks old (I know), very cuddly as a baby, fussy with food but will eat well when she likes something, at 5 she still eats and sleeps quite well but is very emotional and high maintenance. Difficult to potty train as well.

DD2 took a year to sleep through the night, much better with food, a lot lower maintenance than DD1 but when she tantrums she tantrums, she's more intelligent than DD1 and can occupy herself for hours without needing me. A doddle to potty train although from experience I did leave it later.

It's their personalities nothing to do with anything different I did.

Your SIL only has one DD then? And she's seen as a "good" child, one is easy IME. And remember one persons view of sleeping through is different from anothers, I have friends who regularly get up at 5.30am with their DC to me although they are sleeping through that would kill me. Or some say the baby sleeps through then say something like "well they were up for an hour at 4-5am this morning"

lisianthus · 31/01/2010 10:12

what Riven said. Possibly not the be all and end all, but right now it would make me very, very happy.

overmydeadbody · 31/01/2010 10:16

Surely no one actually thinks it is the be-all-and-end-all of parenting?

Obvioously it is easier to parent well if you aren't sleep deprived, but that oly counts when the dcs are young anyway, it makes bugger all difference when they are teenagers does it?

asdx2 · 31/01/2010 10:37

Oh I hope not or else I am a pretty crap parent as I haven't had a decent night's sleep in years and I still cook alternatives to the main meal daily,
Having said that I have three on the cusp of adulthood who are hardworking, kind, intelligent, independent and reourceful young people and the two younger ones with autism have made great strides so I can't have done that bad even if I can't get them to eat and sleep well

Morloth · 31/01/2010 11:19

I don't about eating, but having a baby who slept a lot certainly made me feel better because it meant I could sleep a lot.

Bonsoir · 31/01/2010 11:23

Sleeping and eating have absolutely never been major concerns for me as a parent. WTF???

DD co-slept until she was almost 5; she now sleeps in her own bed but rarely goes to bed until after we have turned out our own light! I don't think that that has any reflection on my as a parent and it is all down to her innate lack of need for much sleep!

cory · 31/01/2010 12:23

I actually slept better when dcs got into bed with us. So does that make me a better parent or completely hopeless?

PiratePrincess · 31/01/2010 12:23

DS1 was a cryer. It was terrible.

DS2 was better.

DD (20 mths) goes to bed between 6.30-7pm, sleeps til 8am and has at least an hour's nap during the day.

Would so like to think it's down to me and DH...can I, please?!

FreakoidOrganisoid · 31/01/2010 12:39

If it is true then I am a truly shite parent.

DD didn't sleep through til she was 2, didn't eat solids til she was 13 months, only ate 3 meals a day from 2.5 (and still has a birdlike appetite). Showed an interest in potty training early but was a complete nightmare (still has regular accidents now). She was generally a happy baby though.

DS (2) sometimes sleeps through now but goes to bed late (and prefers to fall asleep next to me on sofa and get in be with me at some point inthe night), eats well when he wants to, has started potty training himself but only if he is naked, screamed non stop for nearly a year.

I do have a "friend" who thinks it is all my fault for doing things wrong.

domesticextremist · 31/01/2010 12:54

hmm no - your SIL is clearly a very annoying woman - just ignore.

IME the sleeping is down to individual dcs.

The food can be a bit more tricky as some are very fussy eaters and nothing you could do would make it better and others you could see could be tweaked slightly to make them better - ie they are snacked a lot during the day (and not as a Sears type method) or they have 3 full bottles of follow on milk as toddlers a day and then my friends wonder why they dont like their food.

Bunsouttheoven · 31/01/2010 23:32

My 2 are different too, dd slept through v early, ds is cosleeper, dd ate nothing but fruit & is still v fussy, ds shovels anything in practically.
Even when we only had dd i knew it was just a lottery, ds just confirmed it.
I know many smuggy mummies, they are just dellusional but let them live in their bubbles. Their next child may pop it.fingers crossed

hmc · 31/01/2010 23:34

Being loving and supportive is the be all and end all of good parenting. Too bad I don't always get that right

theladyevenstar · 01/02/2010 00:01

OHHH I so so Dislike smug mummys...my dsis is one of these,
she has 2 ds's and so do I.
Her ds1 was always cuddled to sleep but was asleep by 7.30. and was awake by 3,5, and again at 7
My DS1 was always asleep by 8 waking once at 4 and then sleeping until 8.
Her DS2 has also always been asleep by 7.30 but still wakes at 5am.
My DS2 slept through from 2 weeks (don't shoot me) 7-7, however now it is midnight and he has just crashed out. NOTHING I do gets him to sleep until he is ready. I have tried getting him up at 6, keeping him awake all day/letting him have a nap at 10am problem is when he does go to sleep at 7-8pm within 2 hours he is wide awake and bouncing until gone midnight. So i work around him....stress free for all.

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