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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that mabe GF and routine lead parenting has a point?

16 replies

poshsinglemum · 31/01/2010 02:12

I have been doing attachment parenting but I can see some faults.
I went out tonight for my mate's birthday but I couldn't stay out and go clubbing with them as dd needed breastfeeding to sleep according to my parents. DD at 18 months still wants booboo. It's getting tiresome now. They all have young kids but obviously have a routine.
TBh I am not prepared to be martyr anymore. DD is 18 months old. I need my sex life back and thus dd is going to have to get into a routine. Am I selfish? Absolutely.

Also dd might actually not seem so sleepy in the day. She needs to know that bed time is bed time and notv pissing around time.

OP posts:

nooka · 31/01/2010 02:19

Well you are talking about one end of the range of parenting all the way to the other there. Most people choose routes in between, that are neither attachment nor GF - plenty of space there! Well done for breastfeeding to 18mths, that's a great achievement. I have to admit my clubbing days were finished long before I had children, but when ds was a year old we left him with my parents for a week to go on a much needed holiday. Obviously not possible if he had needed me to go to sleep

Mumcentreplus · 31/01/2010 02:34

well i think 18mths is more than enough booboo imo!..No need for guilt if you want to stop then do it every parent is different,you are not selfish, I fed mine till 12mths then I wanted my breasts back before I could use them as a neck warmer!..lol..or you could express I did with DD2 and it worked a treat..put loads of bottles in the freezer..do you think she needs breast or she needs you to sleep?

BosomsByTheSea · 31/01/2010 03:17

Mine areb't in a GF routine at all, but they don't feed to sleep. Unless they're poorly or unhappy for some reason. We do have a bedtime 'routine' though (if bath, boob, story, bed counts)

Mishy1234 · 31/01/2010 07:30

I agree with nooka that a lot of people tend to take the middle road between a routine (GF or otherwise) and attachment parenting. Things just kind of work out in a way that's best for your family. Routine type books gave me a bit of confidence in the early days as to what to expect, but I never stuck to them and in the end have been parenting to a more attachment type of style, purely through accident more than anything.

I agree that if you're finding bf hard work after 18 months then that's fair enough and you've done a really great job so shouldn't feel bad about stopping. I'm sure you're already thinking about it, but please do try and do it as gradually/sensitively as possible. At 18 months your DD will be attached to it and using it a source of comfort. I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty, but I know it's one of the most challenging aspects to longer term bf and one which can be a bit tricky.

Putting in place a bedtime routine imo is a good thing, so good luck!

taffetacat · 31/01/2010 07:36

I always worked on the premise happy mummy = happy baby. If you were happy with attachment for 18 months, thats good, if you want to move towards routines more now, thats also good.

msmiggins · 31/01/2010 07:38

I practice attatchment parenting, and that includes early bedtimes- for all of us.
I breastfed without a break for 7 years, I'm not one for clubbing, but have enjoyed a healthy sex life throughout that time.

Bumperlicious · 31/01/2010 08:51

I think the common problem with both a routine and AP is they don't necessarily allow for flexibility. We have veered between child led and semi-routines over DD's 2 years with various ups and downs, but my biggest concern has always been that DD can be flexible. She isn't always, obviously it is not as easy as that, but I think you can be flexible without compromising your beliefs.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 31/01/2010 08:55

I didn't do either. I did co sleeping and picking up when he cried and stuff but also a bit of a routine. Thankfully my ds seems to respond well to a routine so i've been lucky. I think at 18mo you are well justified in teaching her to go to bed without you. You realise that might involve some tears though? Ime it's very hard to get a bedtime routine without some tears. Some parents can't stomach that.

diddl · 31/01/2010 08:56

It´s not necessarily a routine but that they aren´t still breastfeeding?

ElenorRigby · 31/01/2010 08:57

Agree with nooka and Bumperlicious. I do not have a parenting doctrine and get confused as to why people are rigidly one or the other.
I do think routine is important particularly bed time routines. Having said that I am flexible too ie they arent rigidly followed to the minute and can be altered as circumstances arise.

spybear · 31/01/2010 08:59

Are you usually happy with your style of parenting? Or have you got a touch of the green eyed monster with all of your other friends apparently being carefree? If it has been getting you down for a while then it probably is time for a change. Taking it softly softly is probably the best way. Maybe just trying other ways to get child to sleep like a cuddle and warm drink, may be then having a breastfeed in bed in the morning as a compromise?

RumourOfAHurricane · 31/01/2010 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

harecare · 31/01/2010 09:14

I fed/feed my dds to sleep. DD1 stopped at about 18 months, it surprised me how easily she just went to bed without me feeding her one night. She just wasn't bothered even though she'd been fed to sleep all her little life. Good luck, it might be easier than you think.

hophophippidtyhop · 31/01/2010 09:22

If you want to stop feeding her,it would be a good opportunity to replace it with something anyone can do. I did (and still do) a cup of milk with a story and a cuddle. DD (2.5) went through a phase of only wanting dp to do the bedtime stuff, but now either of us do it. There's no either/or about bedtime routines though, until this week, most nights dd ended up in our bed,it's only changed now because we thought at 2 1/2 we better put her in our own room! I miss the cuddles, but not the legs across my face!

wukter · 31/01/2010 09:24

I'm the most boring poster on these boards with my constant mantra of "balance". No matter what the topic.
So, not a rigid routine, but probably a flexible pattern is the way for you.
I really don't get the rigid anti-routine viewpoints on here. Don't babies have circadian rythyms too?

ChairmumMiaow · 31/01/2010 09:30

Its going to be harder for you being a single mum, and I can understand why you want to be able to go out sometimes - but I don't think that is necessarily a reason to stop BF unless you really really want to.

DS still feeds to sleep at 2, although he doesn't have to. Around your DD's age, DH started settling him after his feed and he would go to sleep with cuddles instead. He'll now do that for me too, which was a real help when I limited feeds (and feed length) in early pregnancy due to nipple soreness.

I understand that your parents might find it hard as it certainly takes us longer to get DS to sleep without his milk, but if your DD could be moved when she is asleep can you not just get them to push her around the block until she drops off then put her into bed?

Alternatively if she's still in a cot, move her into a bed (DS moved into his toddler bed at around 14mo which made this sort of thing possible!) so someone can cuddle her as she goes to sleep.

It seems that most BF toddlers are able (unless they're upset about something else) to fall asleep without their milk as long as their mum is not around. They might grumble a bit but it would be easier on her than weaning her.

Just my experience but hope it helps.

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