to be upset by my mother's comments about my weight?!

[Bodenbabe]

I am quite overweight - not horrendously so, but by about 3 or 4 stone. In recent weeks my mother has told me:

(a) I should consider plastic surgery

(b) I ought to shop at Evans because I'll never find anything to fit me in 'normal shops' (which is plain wrong, as I can - I'm a size 20, it's not that bad!)

(c) The strapless dress I have bought "really needs something to cover up the tops of your arms".

....and several other things like that.

If it were the other way around I could NEVER say the same things to her, she'd never speak to me again! I'm not very upset by it, just a bit pissed off. I mean, she's right in that I do look quite gross at the moment, and I know she has my best interests at heart and doesn't want to see me looking like this - but AIBU to expect that she shouldn't say these things?

I think you should say, 'Mum, stop talking about me being fat because it upsets me.'

YANBU. She is being insensitive in the extreme.

She is being very rude

She is tactless but perhaps worried about your health or if its making you miserable.

Next time she says you're fat say "yes and you are old and ugly but I can diet"

YANBU. My mother always makes comments about my weight - nothing really nasty, but enough to make me feel self conscious, and recommends where I should shop (Evan, arghhh). But she would be offended beyond belief if I made any comments about how she looked.

Tell her to butt out!

My Nan has done this, although she really didn't mean it. I was going ti a part and we were talking about which dress I would wear, and she said "wear the one that hides you better

I'm five foot eleven and a size sixteen- need to lose a few stone, but I'm hardly her off Eastenders!

YANBU.

kimi, LOL!!

I wish I could say to her about it but she would be SO upset and offended and it would cause way too much drama. If it was something that really bothered me I would say it but it's not really worth it for the aggro. What annoys me more is that if I said the same to her she would think I was being really hurtful but she obviously thinks that she is just being honest!

If your mother can't say it who can? How offensive to even imagine calling her old and ugly. She's probably concerned, and as we all know motherhood is hardly a popularity contest. If you have reasons for thinking she doesn't love you then you might have a point. But no doubt she does love you and no doubt she's worried.

But as she feels she can say that to you, then you should say, "Mum, stop making comments about me being fat, it's really hurtful and it really upsets me". She should certainly be able to take that if she can dish it.

Poor you, what is it with Mothers and undermining their daughters. Honestly, I think jealousy is sometimes at the heart of these comments and agree with the above posts, please do say something becuase if you don't one day you are just going to explode and have an almighty row with her so see it as a pressure relieving meansure, deal with it whilst it is relatively a small thing and do not let it go on any more. She is being mean so do not take her shit.

YANBU to be upset about the comments - perfectly understandable - however this may spur you into losing some weight .

I am currently 3 stone overweight and some comments made by my DH really upset me but have spurned me into losing the weight.

She may be tactless but perhaps she has a point - I know that for a long time I was in denial about my weight and when someone you love says something that upsets you , it brings you back to reality.

The next time she says anything, I honestly think you should say something equally insulting (but don?t get too carried away!) that you know will really hit a nerve with her.

If she goes apeshit at you, tell her outright that her constant remarks about your weight make you feel exactly the way she does right at that moment. If she does the old ?I didn?t mean to upset you?, let her know it doesn?t really matter whether she meant it or not ? it still hurts.

She needs to feel that sting the same way as you do because otherwise, she?ll carry on for as long as you let her.

Harsh but fair.

Rise above a slanging match with your mother - lose the weight and show her how fantastic you look !

Sometimes the truth hurts - am going through it myself .

Whether meant kindly or just thoughtless, it is upsetting you, so I think you should say something, but gently.

If you take the view you can't be bothered with all the drama it would cause, then your mother's got you over a barrel, hasn't she? She will never get pulled up on anything.

I have a good relationship with my mother but it has been improved yet further by deciding never to be put off by her tears/little hurt face/not speaking drama whenever I pull her up about something. Equally, I don't have a go at her, I just try to deal with things calmly (or get my dad to do it!)

Try it, because the resentment will not do your relationship with your mother any good otherwise.

Going to take a slightly different approach here... I think this may be a generation thing. My mum (who is only 62) has often made comments like "Those trousers aren't terribly flattering" (btw, I'm a size 12) which is quite crushing but I finally realised that it's because her views of looking nice/smart are very different from mine.

I think these days we generally (and I am generalising) tend to have a more relaxed view of what looks good and are a lot more forgiving than older generations.

I have some very close friends who are probably either size 20 or bigger. They both look fantastic whenever I see them but they make much more effort than I do (and have better assets to start with),

So, to get to the point, maybe it's just that her generation sees things in different ways?

Having said all that, if you're unhappy with how you look, and she's picking up on that, she may be trying to encourage you to lose weight but going about it in a tactless way.

Either way, I imagine she'd be horrified to think that she'd really hurt your feelings (assuming you have a healthy relationship, of course). I do think you should ask her to support you with gentle encouragement rather than criticism if you can.

This is the thing ? a lot will of course depend on what sort of relationship you have with your Mum but no matter how you do it, I think it needs tackling one way or another.

Fortunately, I can be brutally honest with my Mum when she is that way out and let her know what I think; only it doesn?t ever escalate into a shouting match. It stops almost as soon as it started and from that point on, we start afresh.

I just think that someone who is that way inclined (i.e. continually remarking about things they know can only be hurtful) will carry it over from one thing to another. If it?s not about the weight it will be about something else, then something else.

YANBU. Tartyhighheels is right. The next time she says it, reply that if she goes on being so hurtful to you, you will stop going to see her.

Some mum/daughter things are weird, especially when mums get older. I'm size 12 and 5'7" yet every time I visited my mum her opening words were "gosh, haven't you put on weight". According to my sister it was a combination of envy about age and also that at 36 I was wearing fashionable clothes that she never had the chance to wear. And in some ways I sympathise. She had to cope with war rationing and they had hardly anything.

Anyway she wouldn't stop doing it so I just had to ignore it.

You can't change your mum for someone else so you have the choice of losing weight, avoiding her or ignoring her. And if you're happy as you are, that's your business, not hers.

Upandrunning, re. calling her old and ugly - obviously that was a joke on kimi's part and I was LOLing accoridngly. Of course would never think or say it.

I do get on really well with her,it's just this one niggling issue. I do thnk that you are right, CaptainUnderpants, about rising above it. I have tried making little jokes about it eg. "oh charming, thanks for that!" said in a laughing manner, so I will see how it goes soon. I've also lost half a stone in weeks so am on the right track