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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to have hoped he would put a cold aside in this instance

10 replies

wastedweekend · 30/01/2010 14:16

My, partner (now ex, as it has been the final straw) and I were together just over a year. Things were getting progressively worse, mainly because he didnt seem to want to sleep with me and if we did it had to be a certain way, no condom (I know, I know) and he often wouldnt have an orgasm, blaming drink, needing a wee, hurting willy- I heard them all. But, he was nice in other ways, nice to my kids, helped around the house, bought me flowers...

On thurs, I am going to hospital to have a breast lump looked at. I am really upset and keep thinking what would happen to my 2 kids (5 and 3). I asked him if he would come over this weekend (just need a hug and a cup of tea made for me) and, what a surprise, he has a cold. Eventually he said he'd come but not to expect anything of him. He made it so bloody difficult that I ended the relationship. Just don't have the energy to be rejected anymore. Not the first time he's had a 'cold' when I have been unwell either. He said, when I found the breast lump, he'd be there no matter what. He fell at the first hurdle. He only had to sit on a train fgs. We could have looked after each other.

OP posts:
NonVinaigretteRien · 30/01/2010 14:24

you know you're not being unreasonable.

Sorry you're having such a crap time. He sounds like an arse and you're best off without him.

Breast lumps can be all kinds of different things, not the one you're worrying about.

WhatNoLunchBreak · 30/01/2010 14:36

Hi ww

He sounds awful - and you deserve a lot better right now.

If this helps at all, the breast specialist that I went to a couple of times had a sign on her wall saying "9 out of 10 lumps are completely harmless". If you can keep that at the back of your mind when you go to the hospital it might help. There's absolutely no point in worrying unless you have to.

wastedweekend · 30/01/2010 14:50

Thanks, it has been a long week, waiting for this appointment. I really loved him, my son did too, he was always telling him so. My ex would tell him he wished he was his son. I feel selfish that I have taken that away from my kid, and obviously because the problems were based on intimacy, my son didn't know anything was wrong.

But at least I dont have to feel unfanciable on a regular basis anymore. He told me when we had sex he couldnt feel me because I was too big! I mean i only had one natural delivery and can hold tampons no problem. The more I think about it the more awful I realise it was. I have changed my name because of the cringe factor rating of this post btw.

OP posts:
duckyfuzz · 30/01/2010 14:52

he sounds awful ww, you really are better off on your own! Hope it goes ok on thurs x

Missy8c · 30/01/2010 15:02

Definitely better off without him...any bedroom problems were definitely his issues and nothing to do with you IMO. Hope all goes well for you at the hospital

babyicebean · 30/01/2010 15:06

Well t sounds like there is one lump your are better off with!

Fingers crosssed for the other

victoriascrumptious · 30/01/2010 19:52

He sounds like a closet gay tbh

Vallhala · 30/01/2010 20:09

He does sound like a twat but its just possible that the threat of illness has scared him off. My (male) close friend was like this - brilliant after I'd had major surgery for serious illness, taking me away for the weekend, spoiling me rotten, but when I was first diagnosed and going through it all he hid, head in the sand. It wasn't that he didn't care, he just didn't know what to say, how to cope.

Take time out to reach out to other friends, and don't stress please... the vast majority of lumps ARE nothing to worry about.

Take care.

BiologicalPowder · 30/01/2010 20:16

WW - poor you. Fingers crossed for your appointment - as others say, the odds are well in your favour.

The thing about illness and other trauma is that there is a social convention that leads us to expect people will be extra caring. The sad truth is these difficult times often generate the exact reverse, and it is these times when people run the fastest.

When DD was born I remember being overwhelmed by how kind and thoughtful everyone was, and comparing it to my BF dying some years earlier - when such love and care would have been so welcome.... but wasn't forthcoming at all.

You take care, and be kind to yourself. Chocolate. Wine. Sounds like you deserve someone better.

hobbgoblin · 30/01/2010 20:21

Oh God he sounds like he has the potential to become a right nob end to be honest. I don't just say that because I feel sorry and sad for you, I mean...'too big for his willy??' fgs!

Sounds like control freakery with the shagging and inadequacy issues on his part which he was already beginning to blame on you. You so don't need to become his counsellor or for the dotin gon your son to have become another way of boosting his ego by being loved back by your child.

Sad, but you are fortunate I think.

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