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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that Jasmina Anema's birth parents should have tried to help her?

21 replies

StrictlyKatty · 29/01/2010 10:59

I was really saddened today to here that a little 6 year old girl called Jasdmina Anema dies of cancer in America.

She was black and only 8% of the bone marrow donor list is made up of black people which really hurt her chances of a match but mainly it was becuase she was adopted so didn't have the chance of a parential or sibling match which is where most transplants come from in these cases.

AIBU to think that even though she had been adopted her birth parents had a moral responsibility to come forward are be tested? I can't imagine that anyone could know that their own flesh and blood were facing almost certain death and do nothing.

I've been reading everything I can find about it but can see no mention of them being tested but would love to know, if anyone has any info, if they did come forward but weren't a match or didn't come forward at all? Lots of articles say they couldn't find any extended birth family which makes me think the parents didn't come forward and let them know.

I just feel if one of my relatives had a child adopted that later needed a transplant I would certainly be tested. Legally they have been adopted yes, but they are still your flesh and blood and I would want to help.

OP posts:

kreecherlivesupstairs · 29/01/2010 11:05

I imagine it would be quite difficult to publicise this sort of thing, although I am sure that it would generate a huge amount of interest.
What would be a good idea is if birth parents were encouraged to leave a list of any genetic disorders or famiy histories for the children.
If the parents didn't help or be tested YANBU, OTOH the birth parents own families may not know about the little girl. Whatever way it is very sad

Original poster

StrictlyKatty · 29/01/2010 11:10

I think that is the scary and heartbreaking thing about adoption. You can have a condition where your only chance of help might well be your birth parents but if they didn't leave contact information or come forward then what do you do?

The birth parents must have been aware, surely. Her case was so widely known that I can't imagine the adoption agent or her adoptive parents wouldn't have tried to contact them. They must have not left enough details or not come forward.

Unless of course they weren't a match, but there is no mention of them ever being tried.

OP posts:

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 29/01/2010 11:10

Perhaps they weren't tested because they already knew their blood type, and it didn't match.

nappyaddict · 29/01/2010 11:10

Perhaps they didn't know?

Original poster

StrictlyKatty · 29/01/2010 11:15

Maybe they didn't. I just can't imagine that if you gave up a baby girl born on the same day as Jasmina of the same race who then was on all the TV channels in America needing a donor you wouldn't put 2 and 2 together and think maybe this is my child I'd better get tested just in case...

And surely one of the parents must have been the same blood type, you have to be the same as one parent don't you?

OP posts:

CMOTdibbler · 29/01/2010 11:17

I don't think you can judge anyone on this. They may not know that they were her parents, or be suitable to donate, or be a match.

Hope you are on the bone marrow register - you don't even need to go anywhere or give blood to donate, the Anthony Nolan trust will send you a saliva kit in the post to donate, and you can send off for it online

SingingBear · 29/01/2010 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 29/01/2010 11:19

YABU

Her birth parents might not have known she was ill.
Her birth father might not have known she even existed.
Her birth parents might be dead.

YABU on so many levels.

Poledra · 29/01/2010 11:20

As far as I am aware, parents are not always a match - it's not just about blood type, it's about other antibodies and factors in the blood too.

Also happy to be corrected if I am wrong (and am on the bone marrow register, as is DH and he's been called twice but never been a complete match).

Nancy66 · 29/01/2010 11:21

She was adopted from Africa.

So it's possible she was abandoned at an orphanage and her parents are unknown or dead.

Original poster

StrictlyKatty · 29/01/2010 11:22

DH is on the register. I can't be at the moment as I have had a condition in the past which they have said means I'm not suitable right now but I'm hoping I will be in a few years.

It's not the big operation people think anymore and you can easily be the 1 in a million perfect mactch that it takes to save someones life.

I just think it's heartbreaking that she didn't have all the extended family options most people have

OP posts:

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 29/01/2010 11:25

When I mentioned blood type, it was to explain why the adoptive parents might not have been tested.

Original poster

StrictlyKatty · 29/01/2010 11:29

Oh I see. I'm pretty sure the adoptive parents weren't black which means their chances of a match would have been very very low.

I know I'm BU, I'm just so heartbroken that my baby would have all these relatives desperate to help and this little girl didn't have all those chances

I do hope it will have encouraged more black people and more people generally on the register.

OP posts:

nappyaddict · 29/01/2010 14:18

Well I didn't know anything about her until today. I did not know anything about the Haiti earthquake until 2 days ago. It's possible they really didn't know despite it being all over the news.

Peachy · 29/01/2010 14:22

Filwasanbandoned at 2,he has always found it hard that he hasno medical history and certainly as he has aged, with the onset of heart issues andno ideaif they are genetic or not (I'd guess not by his diet but it is very close to an obsession with him,understandably)

I can accept they didn't know but there should be some way of leaving a history.It may not have helped FIL- he was abandonedafter all,does think he found his family but they chose to refuse tests and conatct as is their right- but would some

chegirlsgotheartburn · 29/01/2010 16:03

YABU in that you havent really got a grasp on the realalities of adoption or bone marrow.

You are not unreasonable for being upset about the death of this little girl though and its understandable to have this sort of instinctive reaction.

I cannot see how the parents would have known this was going on. The USA is huge and there are thousands of different tv networks and newspapers that dont cover the whole country. The chances of her birth parents seeing the story and making the connection must have been tiny.

The birth parents were unlikely to be a match and the chances of any FULL siblings being a match are only 1 in 4 (if I remember rightly).

So for the parents to have come forward they would have to have known, to have had further children together and for those children to have been a match.

What the real shame her is that there are not enough donors full stop. My little girl only had a 1 in 100,000 chance of a match as opposed to a 1 in 5 chance if she had of been white/uk. So she didnt get a match and she died before BMT.

Even if you have a BMT the procedure is incredibly risky and not at all guarenteed to work. Thats why we dont go straight to BMT after diagnosis.

I also have an adopted child. Although we know some info about his birth mother's side (because she is related to OH) we know nothing about his birth father. I have just had to go through a checklist for a general anesthetic for him and could only say 'I dont know' to most of the questions.

I am so sorry for the little girl and her family

chegirlsgotheartburn · 29/01/2010 16:05

From the other side I would like to add.

I know damn well if I asked DS's birth mother for information about DS's family medical history she wouldnt give it. It would be far to much fun for her to use it as a power trip over us.

CarmenSanDiego · 29/01/2010 16:07

This is the first I've heard of it and I'm in the US and usually have the tv on in the background.

AMumInScotland · 29/01/2010 16:18

If she was adopted from Africa at birth, then there wouldn't be much probability of her birth family knowing anything about this. Even if the adoption agency had the parents details at the time of the adoption, they would not necessarily be able to trace them. And there might not even have been any details if she had been abandoned at the orphanage.

It's desperately sad of course, but the fact remains that many children die no matter how much their family try to help.

At least the publicity for this particular case seems to have increased donor register rates, which may help others.

Original poster

StrictlyKatty · 29/01/2010 16:22

chegirl that is frankly horrific that his birth mother would withold that information.

I'm really sad to hear about you daughter. I must be distressing beyond belief to be looking fot that one elusive perfect match and not be able to find it.

More people need to sign up, espeically minorities. I hope Jasmina's death will at least get more people to sign up in America but we do need more efforts here too sadly

OP posts:

SilkyBreeks · 29/01/2010 19:04

I don't know anything about this particular case, but in most US states adoption records are sealed and the adoptee is NEVER allowed to find out who their biological parents are (which is a disgusting disgusting violation of civil rights but that's a whole other topic, as they say on Jerry Springer). Therefore I would imagine that the biological parents would not be allowed to make contact, and the adoptive family would not be able to try and contact them, even in circumstances like this.

Very few people who are not directly affected have any idea whatsoever about the reality of adoption.

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