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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going to school friend's house

25 replies

kate77 · 28/01/2010 20:48

My 4 year old started school this year and has been to play with one of his friends a few times. The first couple of times with myself or my husband staying too, and the third time for a couple of hours on his own as we've met the parents a few times, feel we can trust them, so feel okay about leaving our child in their care. Today he went there again, picked up from school by the mother and I went to pick him up a couple of hours later. When I arrived there the mother had been working in her office, and my son and his friend were in the playroom being looked after by a young woman I had no knowledge of. I was taken aback really as didn't know there would be someone else looking after my son - asked her if she was the au pair, she said no a nanny that has been there a couple of weeks for after school help. I have been thinking about since coming home and feel pretty annoyed really that the mother didn't inform me that this would be the case as had I known I would have wanted, as I have always done, to meet someone before leaving my young child in their care. I don't want to make it a big issue with the mother, but do want to say something to indicate that I'm not happy about her making decisions, without telling me, about who looks after my child. Or should I just leave it?! Thanks. Kate77

OP posts:
Fruitysunshine · 28/01/2010 20:53

YABU Your friend was in the house. She is ultimately responsible and knows that. Unless they live in some mansion where it takes ten minutes to walk to the next room.

moffat · 28/01/2010 20:53

YANBU - I would leave it for now but if there is another invitation perhaps you could ask who will be watching the children.

staranise · 28/01/2010 20:54

YABU

TBH, I don't see what the big deal is - the mother picked your son up and she was at home all the time.

By the age of four, I would expect two children to be able to play together always needing an adult in the same room.

staranise · 28/01/2010 20:55

without always needing an adult [blush}

staranise · 28/01/2010 20:56

!!

LEMhasgonetothedogs · 28/01/2010 20:56

YANBU to be a bit miffed, but its not a big deal is it, the nanny, im assuming will be qualified and CRB checked - probably better qualified to be looking after your child than the mother

momofnearly2 · 28/01/2010 20:59

YABU. Apart from the fact that the nanny had probably been grilled and thoroughly checked by your friend before she got the job, your friend was in the same house and makes me think that you might be slightly over reacting.

It would be different if the friend had gone out shopping etc and left your child in the nanny's care without you knowing.

But ultimately it's up to you how you deal with the situation, after all it is your child your leaving there so if you feel it needs a mention then politely slip it into conversation.

staranise · 28/01/2010 21:05

You'll probably find that this sort of thing happens quite a lot with playdates so if it does bother you, make sure you find out beforehand who will be in charge of the children.

Original poster
kate77 · 28/01/2010 21:14

Hi - thanks for all your reponses. All good advice. Realising now this might happen, I'll know to ask next time.

OP posts:
madamearcati · 29/01/2010 00:46

YABU and PFBish

ChippingIn · 29/01/2010 00:47

kate77 - you don't know this woman (the childs mother), you have merely met her a couple of times. He is no safer with her than he is with the nanny. It's a false sense of security that makes you feel that way. Your Son will be left with different people in other ways (relief teachers, TA's). It will do you more good in the long run to accept this and be accepting of the fact that there are more good people than bad out there. Otherwise you are going to seriously limit your sons friendships/social interaction etc.

Vallhala · 29/01/2010 01:01

Assuming that the nanny was checked (and if the parents are the type you trust them to be she should be) I see no problem. It's not as if the mum wasn't present. Ergo if you don't trust the parents' judgement, why leave your son their in the first place?

It could just as easily have been the mum's sister or mother supervising the DC while the mum was in another room. I wouldn't worry, but this is all in hindsight... when my DC were little I've little doubt I would have felt as you do. As they and you get older, you tend to stress less... trust me!

Vallhala · 29/01/2010 01:03

Sorry, I meant "why leave your son there in the first place?".

cornsilk · 29/01/2010 05:28

You are being a bit precious. If I was the other mum and you said something about it I would think . All kinds of people who you haven't met look after your child while they are at school as well as teachers/T.A's- parent volunteers, dinner ladies etc.

evensunnierdelight · 29/01/2010 08:37

Your child was being supervised by a nanny with the mother in the house - I don't see what the problem is. If he had been left with the 15 year old from next door while the mother went out you might have a point.

If you say anything your son will probably never be invited again, tbh if I were the other mother and you objected to your son being looked after by the nanny I chose carefully while I was also in the house I would think you were far too much hassle to bother with and encourage my child to make friends with someone else (harsh I know but I'm being honest), but if you're really unhappy with the situation obviously ultimately it's up to you.

psychomum5 · 29/01/2010 08:47

I think you are being a bit OTT and PFB here. It isn;t as thos he is a teeny baby......he is 4, has been to school and presumably nursery by now and met many many people that you will never come into contact with to check out, and he was safely in someones home that you have already checked out.

and as a nursery nurse who previously worked as a nanny, I would have been very offended that someone wouldn;t have trusted my employers instinct over who to have in caring for children!

Original poster
kate77 · 29/01/2010 11:18

Thanks again for responses. It is hard to let go at each stage - going to nursery, going to school, now going to friend's houses without me, because I still feel I need to be there to make sure he's okay!! But I know I have to do it for him. Luckily he is a confident little boy and I don't think he's aware of my anxieties. Hopefully these will lessen as time goes on.

OP posts:
majafa · 29/01/2010 11:26

Belive me Kate, they will lessen after time.
Time will come, when you cant wait to get them out the door. lol
Then saying that I dont think we ever stop worring about our kids even when theyre adults..

Gubbins · 29/01/2010 13:16

You wouldn't want to send your son to my house. When either of my daughters (5 and 3) have someone over to play after school/nursery I use it as the ideal time to sit down with a cup of coffee and listen to radio 4. It's the only time I'm left in enough peace. I even get to eat biscuits with no-one to hear the rustle of the packet. The three year olds once left me alone for a full half hour with no demands or screeches from upstairs.

I can't afford a nanny to play with my children, so have playdates instead. Anything rather than play with my children myself.

crankytwanky · 29/01/2010 13:41

I think YABU actually. Your son will be "exposed" to all sorts of people at birthday parties with family attending etc. You can't expect every parent to be CRB checked, or to have the same idea of good parenting as you. It will get very difficult in the future to think of reasons not to allow PFB to certain people's houses.
(Wait until he comes home from somewhere smelling of cigarettes!)

IME, playdates work best when you just leave them to it anyway.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 29/01/2010 13:43

I admit to being a very protective and PFBish mother (and only have one child, so won't ever have this 'knocked' out of me I imagine!)

However on this issue I think YABU. The mother was there overseeing events with ultimate responsibility. It sounds to me as if they were being well looked after, having a nanny with them and a playroom no less!

I'm sure most of ds' playdates have involved no playrooms, no nannies, just 'in the background' supervision from the parent.

smee · 29/01/2010 14:13

I think yabu too - the mother was in the house all the time and if anything had happened she'd have heard/ been there like a shot. When DS has friends round they run off to his room by themselves, I don't supervise the whole time, so in some ways you could argue his mother was being extra safe by letting the nanny keep an eye on them.

Whippet · 29/01/2010 14:31

Yes - sorry, but YABU - for all the reasons already mentioned.

People do get themselves in a tizz over this sort of stuff. I once had a bit of a 'run in' with a friend of DS1's mum - I'd known the mum through school for about 6 months and we were doing a lift share twice a week.

On one occasion I was caught up in work meeting, and was late, so I asked DH to pick the kids up and drop child X home. Later I got a call from the mother who was 'outraged' (her words) that I hadn't told her this was happening
and that I had "broken her trust" .

It had never even crossed my mind that she thought the agreement was that only I could pick up - as far as we're concerned DH & I are inter-changable parents.... the kids were 9 at the time too!!

Seriously barking mad....

Laquitar · 29/01/2010 14:45

whippet!

I don't know if i would find it bloody insulting or just hillarious.

Whippet · 29/01/2010 16:32

I know! Very strange... I never really told DH the whole gist of my conversation with her - he would have been upset & insulted!

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