to open DPs bank letters?

[ButterPie]

DP now owes me a total of £180 (in theory, we share money, but this is from things like him needing money off me to pay the rent and bus fares (he gets paid easily enough to cover these, god knows where the money goes, in the pub I suspect) which I try to keep a tally of as I think it unfair that I should be scrimping and saving all the time and he seems to not care if the bills are unpaid (I'm not talking optional stuff here like holidays, cars, savings and so on, I mean food, rent, electricity and so on).

Anyway, he is waiting for a new card to come from the bank and so this week has been repeatedly coming to me for money. His bus fare is 3.80 a day, he has had at least £70 off me. I just was about to let DD1 have some pop in a cafe as a treat, checked my account and he has taken out £10 more last night then he told me (which was already too much - who needs £20 to get to work for one day?). He knows full well I get paid tomorrow so would be skint today, and he also knows that DD1 had her dancing lesson today that I would need money for, and also that me and him have an evening class tonight (my ONLY leisure pursuit apart from coming on here) and he has left me with nothing.

I know IANBU to be mightily pissed off, but he has two letters that have come today, they look like bank letters. I think I am going to open them and see if there is any clue as to where his money goes. Also, AIBU if one is his new card, to see if I can get a tenner or so off it?

DD1 now thinks I am evil mummy for promising her cafe juice and then going back on my word.

I am in the process of setting up my bank account to be joint so that he can get his wage paid in and I can at least try to make sure the rent gets paid.

FFS. He is a grown man.

Don't use his card, that can't possibly be legal.

How long have youn lived together. Sounds like you need to sit down and talk through your finances together to be honest. work out who pays for what.

FFS the LAST thing you want is a joint account with this man. He will bleed you white.
Change your pin number, stop giving him money - and tell him that he has to come clean about where his money is going as you can't afford a parasite in the house.

Yep he is. And you are a grown woman - stop subsidising him you numpty

Just stop. Right now. And get your money back.

LOL solidgoldbrass doesn't mince her words

YABU to open and read his private mail whether he owes you money or not.

Why not wait until he has opened it and THEN sit down and have a discussion about the money situation?

YANBU
but SGB is right - don't get a joint account - he will have access to every penny you have. Work out how much you have coming in jointly, how much rent/bills/child expenses are, then divide what's left between the two of you. Take his proportion from his account by SO on his payday and you manage the finances. My DH is a financial ostrich also but I don't let him take money from me (he doesn't dare ask as he knows I administer the bills) and since I do internet banking for both of us I do instant transfers from his bank to mine. He doesn't mind this.

If his costs are a lot more than yours then that should be taken into account but My DH could also get through £10 a day without blinking - so when he works somewhere he has to get the bus I buy a weekly saver online - saves money and means he doesn't need to carry cash!

What SGB says.

I think you need to have a big talk to him about how grown ups act and make some firm decisions about budgeting/money.

He has been umming and ahhing about a so, saying he is worried that if he doesn't get paid enough one week he will get in trouble and so on (I don't know how this would happen tbh, he gets paid about £200 a week and rent is £525 a month - easy. My entire income is tax credits and suchlike and I manage to pay all the other expenses.)

My idea is to use the joint account, but tell him he is only to use the card for emergencies. I will buy us both bus passes online monthly and he gets his bus pass and half of the leftovers in the account after bills, food, rent and the kids expenses. If he chooses to spend that on fags, beer and Wow, then that is his lookout. He has no NEED to actually buy anything, so I think he should get the same "spends" as me. I'm sick of saving up my spends (about £20 a week) aiming to treat myself, and then it all going on the rent anyway.

Instead of a joint account, I would recommend setting up one, separate from yours, where all the money for rent/mortgage, bills, expenses goes in, and then you have access to it to pay for all these things. At least you know then that they can and will be paid.

Why is he able to access your accounts, particularly if he's so feckless? I'm sure he won't just use the joint account for emergencies, may be cynical, but it's true

Oh, and I am also sick of the admission charges for DD1s playgroup and so on counting as one of my "luxuries". Yes, I am there, and no I don't NEED to take her, but I take her for her good. If I had my choice and didn't care about her welfare, I would be dragging her round art galleries or plonking her in front of cbeebies all day, but I don't. However, sitting in a room full of noisy children being ignored by the other mums who all went to school together isn't my idea of a luxury.

Don't give him half of what is left set up a savings account - you should not be spending all you earn every month!

And you know that if you give him a card it will be used whenever hge wants because he has feck all respect for what you say about anything to do with finances.

The reason I want to use my account as the joint one is that I already have it set up with two accounts inside it, where it automatically keeps back what I need for bills and just puts my money for cash on my card account (to use for food, nappies, bus fares and so on). It would be easier to just add one income (his wage) and one outgoing (the rent) rather than move all the little bills and incomes from my account to another, if that makes sense.

I let him take my card as otherwise I would be having to walk about a mile to the only cash machine open at the time when he decides he needs money for the next morning. IMO he should do that, although it does always mean him "stopping off" at the pub.

I am so angry, he is doing an early shift at work and finishing about now, he is going to get an earful when he gets in. I may confiscate his bankcard entirely.

He also won't transfer the money he owes me into my account (or even some of it) electronically because that is too complicated. Even though to pay money into my account I have to go to the city centre, a bus and a metro ride away and to transfer money he just has to ring his bank.

He can transfer the money he is just being a wanker and this way he gets to be the child with no responsibility and you get to the the mummy with all the worry about finances.

You are letting him behave like a wanker and making excuses for him.

Give him an allowance for bus fare etc at the beginning of the week and if he wants to piss it up the wall he can walk to work - if he wants to behave like a child in other words treat him like one.

Too complicated? It takes moments and the money is straight in. He's being pathetic. Put your foot down. Internet banking is essential in this day and age!

I agree with Madame - it sounds like he's acting like a child, and you're letting him.

Why should you give him your bank card, so he can get money for himself? Surely if he needs money for the next day, he should be intelligent/responsible/forward planning enough to get his own money out before coming home.

I wouldnt give him any more he is taking advantage of you!. I wouldnt open his letters but i would probably have a good "chat" about it.

This man is leeching off you. Is he really that good in bed to make it worth putting up with? Is he your DC's father? Because he sounds like a classic cocklodger to me (blokes who target single mums who they think are desperate for A Man and will therefore put up with just about anything to keep one).