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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike it when friends come round without phoning first?

25 replies

Becky36 · 28/01/2010 14:28

I have a really good friend who I would never want to upset or offend. She lives around the corner from me and recently has started to call round to my house without ringing me or texting me to see if it's convenient. This happens maybe three or four times a week. I work full time and have a five year old and I'm a single parent so I really value evenings by myself. I know this sounds quite selfish but I really would appreciate a quick call or text to see if I want company before friends call round. It has even got to the point that if she notices my car is not outside my house I get a text along the lines of "where are you then???" from her. I really don't want to upset her but I am getting a bit fed up of pretending I have got plans every evening so she doesn't just turn up at my house.

OP posts:
PixieOnaLeaf · 28/01/2010 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

skihorse · 28/01/2010 14:36

YANBU, video intercom is your friend!

MadamDeathstare · 28/01/2010 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaTrucha · 28/01/2010 14:40

YANBU. We had a neighbour who did this for a while, always around dinner time (after we had invited him a couple of time). I ended up not sitting down and not cooking dinner. I just chatted until he felt uncomfortable and then left.

A bit weak, I know, but it did work.

It is a tricky one to handle.

LaTrucha · 28/01/2010 14:41

And I never said, 'Come in' etc. Most of the chatting was conducted in the hall!

Missus84 · 28/01/2010 14:42

I'd just say "oh sorry, now's not a great time - maybe we can get together next week?". No need to upset her or be rude, just be polite and firm.

thedollshouse · 28/01/2010 14:42

YANBU. Very intrusive.

pjmama · 28/01/2010 14:43

I hate people turning up unannounced too, but then I'm an antisocial old bag !

If you don't want to ask her outright if she'd mind calling first before she comes round, then you might have to turn her away a couple of times, saying you're heading for a bath and early night and see if she takes the hint. And if she texts you asking where you are, then just don't reply.

If I were you though, I'd be honest and talk to her. If she doesn't know that it bothers you, then she'll just carry on thinking that you're happy for her to pop round as and when she likes.

StealthPolarBear · 28/01/2010 14:44

Reply with a "not sure, where are you?"
as for popping round when you're not expecting her, although I don';t like it I can understand it if people live quite far away and are passing. If they live close by then ironically there's no excuse (unless that's the arrangement you have iyswim)

thirtysomething · 28/01/2010 14:47

i had a friend down the road who did this - always spotting my car back and knocking on my door within 5 mins of me getting home (often having worked/picked tired child up/done huge supermarket shop etc.) when clearly it wasn't convenient....eventually I resorted to not answering the door as I knew it was her and then when I got a text from her saying she'd knocked i'd reply with "ooh must have been in the garden" etc. I wouldn't say she got the message but eventually she stopped just knocking on the door as it didn't get her anywhere.....DH used to say she was stalking me!!

Nancy66 · 28/01/2010 14:49

The sort of people that do this are usually incredibly thick skinned - so you just have to spell it out that her actions are unwelcome.

Hullygully · 28/01/2010 14:52

Not if he looked like this

Wonderstuff · 28/01/2010 14:53

YANBU, I would say something - every now and again is OK, but several times a week is not on. I wouldn't dream of turning up at a friends unannounced, all my friends seem to need about 3 weeks notice to fit something in the diary.

I on the other hand arranged with a friend who was to pop over today, no sign of, no text, no email, nothing on facebook, beginning to think maybe its me?

mazzystartled · 28/01/2010 14:55

just don't let her in!

TheChicOfIt · 28/01/2010 14:59

YANBU - this kind of thing annoys me too. We have friends that do this - they are a lovely couple and we always have a lovely time, but they do turn up unannounced and stay for hours! And I mean, arrive at 2pm, go home at 10.30pm!!

Even when I say "I've got to do ds' tea/put him to bed" no hint is taken.

In my case I haven't said anything as it only happens very rarely, but I totally see your point.

Original poster
Becky36 · 28/01/2010 14:59

I suppose the real problem is that she is very easily hurt and worries like mad when she thinks that she might have upset someone. She is one of my best friends and we have known each other for twenty years and to be fair she does know that I am an anti social grumpy old sod. My last idea was to say to her that someone else (not a mutual friend but someone she knows) had just called round unexpectedly and how much it had annoyed me. I thought that this might be a bit of a hint but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears!!

OP posts:
joanne34 · 28/01/2010 14:59

I am right mis-hog week nights.... too tired for vistors actually thats most of the time.. and yes i cant stand it when people just turn up !

I dont answer the door, DP does !

Just dont answer the door ??

TheChicOfIt · 28/01/2010 15:02

Maybe you could try texting or calling her next time you are going to her house.

Something along the lines of "Hi, I was thinking of popping round - when is a good time?"

I'm sure if you do this enough times she will eventually get the hint .

Original poster
Becky36 · 28/01/2010 15:06

That's the thing though, I was brought up not to ring anyone after nine at night unless it was an emergency and never just turn up at anyone's house without checking it's ok first. I never call at friend's houses without ringing or texting. They could be doing anything!

OP posts:
TheChicOfIt · 28/01/2010 15:22

Hope I didn't come across wrongly there - I didn't mean that I thought you would just turn up - you seem like a lovely well mannered person . I just meant that perhaps if you texted or rang her to make plans then she wouldn't just turn up and then she might get the hint??

MumtoEliane · 28/01/2010 15:24

YANBU at all, all my in laws are like that and now I think they have guessed what are we doing if the car is out and door is locked!! MIL doesn't even knock on the door!

I always always check before going somewhere!

Original poster
Becky36 · 28/01/2010 15:31

I think that you are all speaking common sense. I will try not answering the door for a bit and see if that works. Or I'll just have to move house!! (only joking)

OP posts:
June2009 · 28/01/2010 15:34

How irritating, my ils do this all the time, several times a week, one il after the other.

We asked them to call beforehand and now they call me from outside the door (!!!) saying "I'm here, can I pop in".
Me saying "I'm just putting the baby to sleep" doesn't even work.
Can you turn your ell off? Sometimes I get so fed up (I work from home and look after a 7mo baby) I don't answer the door or the phone when I know it is them.
Not ideal, but it works. If they ask why I just say I was busy.

Ladyanonymous · 28/01/2010 15:40

Next time answer the door stark bollock naked and stand there talking to her unashamedley like nothing is wrong.

Original poster
Becky36 · 28/01/2010 15:42

Ha!! That is a brilliant idea - not sure that she would be keen on my stretch marks though!!

OP posts:
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