to STILL cry every time I see a birth on tv?

[ButterPie]

I have a 2.10 yo and a 2.5 mo. DD1 had a traumatic birth (undiagnosed breech, back to back and breech labour to 10cms and refused everything apart from gas and air, told I wasn't even in labour yet, emergency section with complications, baby prem and ill, me having blood transfusions) but DD2 was a lovely calm planned section so I really should have got over it.

However, even the most ridiculously unrealistic telly birth still has me crying and hugging my kids and thanking my lucky stars that I don't have to do it again (whilst secretly wishing that I could, iyswim)

This is normal hormonal motherhood, surely?

(I was completely mental for 2 years after having DD1 so nothing to compare it to)

I think the pain and trauma many women suffer in childbirth is underestimated and the after effects are not catered for.

You are not being unreasonable, IMO.

I always cry watching births on tv, even more so now i'm pregnant and know I have to go through it all again.

I cry too. I had four home births with no drugs. Two of them easy, two of them tough. A piece of cake compared to what you went through by the sound of it.

It might be an idea though to have a look at the birth trauma website. You probably could do with letting it out a bit. We just have to get on with things after birth and because we have our hands full there's no time to process what has happened.

Have you considered writing out your birth story. It would probably be painful along the way, but I reckon you might find you release some of that pain.

Of course some would say that's utterly bonkers but it works for me.

Weirdly, I kind of prefer the ones where it all goes wrong. I think I'm reassuring myself that I wasn't scared of nothing.

Spidermama - I think I'm too scared to. I really was seriously mentally ill after having DD1 (hearing voices, hospital, huge amounts of psychiatric drugs, REALLY mental) and touch wood I am fine this time, so my instinct is to not rock the boat, if that makes sense. But then stuff like this worries me.

Hmmm. My feeling is that if this stuff is inside us, these feelings and concerns, they ought to be expressed otherwise they niggle away and come out in other, less controlled ways. I can't help thinking that they don't go away otherwise, rather like sweeping dust under a carpet. You say you had psychiatric drugs after the birth but did you get any counselling?

I can understand though why you'd be worried. It sounds like you had a reall, really bad time.

I have a full blown panic attack when I see birth on tv. I'm still struggling following the birth and dd is 2.8. I have ptsd.

Also can't read birth stories on here. You're not alone.

YANBU at all, I well up a lot too, even at babies, not just births.

I couldn't write my birth story if I tried. It would be really short as so much of it is a blank.

Ended up with a section too, nothing as traumatic but was in labour for 24H plus and had 2 attempts to get epidural in when I was put on a drip to speed things up.

Can't really remember the first few weeks at home with my wee S that well either

Am trying to get my finger out and contact the hospital to see my notes, I have heard this has been helpful for some people.

He is 4 months old, forgot to add that.

I had cbt, which apparently isn't about the past, it's about the future Tbh, i also had someone visit regularly but it seemed mainly to befriend me (which was useful, but only so things didn't get worse) and if I went in hospital, all I did was get doped up and sleep (which again was pretty much all I was good for at that point)

I suddenly got better when I got pregnant again. No idea why.

Hmm, I have an appointment tomorrow morning, might mention my concerns then if it isn't entirely normal. The team are lovely, but don't seem to know much about having babies, and the people who know about having babies (the hv etc) don't seem to know about mental illness. Now I'm better, I possibly should look into somehow stopping it happening again.

I think that sounds like a very positive idea.

I don't know where you are, but my indie midwives were brilliant. If you are in London and you have a few grand to spare I would heartily recommend these amazing women.

One of them was there at all four of my births and I will never forget her. They also look after you properly after birth for a few weeks.

I still go to their parties and have met many women who went to the midwives because their previous births were so traumatic.

All the very best. You deserve a good birth!

butterpie - my friend had an episode of Bipolar which led to her being sectioned for a time. She has regular counselling, and says, without it, she would be much more likely to have another episode. She says it helps her identify the signs for herself, moderate her life to prevent problems and so she stays well.

Spidermama - thanks for the tip, but I'm not in London, don't have any spare money and also have no intention of ever giving birth again

(even if I could- too risky due to complications. Even another pregnancy would be risky)

eggontoast - that is how I think my cbt/care manager (or whatever she calls herself- nice woman who comes round for a chat) has helped. I know (I hope) if I am getting a bit dodgy again and know how to stop it getting bad and staying in the area of just feeling a bit weepy or whatever. I'm just starting to think maybe I do need to get a babysitter to take the kids, lock all the doors and get some kind of trained person to help me properly confront it all head on. But then that could make me ill again, and, since I am perfectly fine, it seems daft to risk it.

Butterpie - you dont have to talk about the past if you dont want to. You can talk about how you feel now, what steps you can take to reduce the risk of being ill again etc.

Do you think that posting on here may be a clue that you feel like you may go out of control again if you dont do something to stop??

I think I got scared the other night. We watched a particularly horrible birth scene (the one in series one of survivors) which was then followed by another person getting mentally ill, and I have been shook up ever since. Not sure which part of the tv programme (the birth or the mental health bit) upset me, but i have been feeling slightly dodgy ever since. Only very slightly though, as in I can forget about it most of the day, so I don't think it is too much of a problem. I'm just a bit worried that I might spend the rest of my life having trouble with birth/mental health scenes. Hence why I was wondering whether everyone gets this or if it is somehow related to my previous problems.

I cry too! the births on tv are so different from any of mine so far I dont know why it upsets me but it really does. It doesnt upset me thinking about doing it again this time but watching other people give birth makes me cry for some reason.

ds1 got got stuck during birth (shoulder dystocia). He nearly died and he was left with erbs palsy. I haemoraged.

It took me 3 years before I was able to talk about it without physically shaking.

I still can't watch births, and still get a lump if I talk about it. It can still make me cry.

Ds is 11 this year.

So no, you are not being unreasonable.

My mistake was to not get any counselling. With my history I was afraid they would take him away from me.