motherhood resulting in friendship culling

[cjn27b]

Just over a year ago I became a parent for the first time - in my rather late 30s. Many of my friends up until this point were other people who didn't have kids, simply because they too had empty nights / weekends to fill and hence we were all out and about together.

Since I had a baby, more than one of my old friends who don't have children has distanced themselves. The friends who have done this want kids but are finding it difficult (we all hitting 40 now) and some are following the assisted conception route or reconciling themselves with the fact it might not happen. I now find myself pregnant again it seems to have got worse (and one has clearly 'culled' me as a friend).

Is it unreasonable to feel very hurt by this. Some of these friends go back to childhood and I thought we could talk about anything. Or, am I just showing a deep lack of understanding at quite how emotionally difficult IVF or not having kids due to fertility issues can be.

The whole thing has left me feeling lonely, and I'm not sure what to do or whether these are friends I've lost forever.

It's not unreasonable to feel hurt but it is understandable how it happens, it's very hard for people to see pregnancy and babies when you're having difficulty conceiving.

The good news is, you will probably soon have a million more friends through your baby, so I would focus on this - have you been able to meet any nice people this way yet?

i think that if you are having trouble TTC it must be utterly painful to be around people who have children/are pregnant

it may be their feelings are fragile and when they are feeling better, they may be back in touch

but i think as we go through life we lose some friends and make new ones

when i had DS i met a whole new group of people, some of whom i am extremely close with

it is not unreasonable to be sad when friendships end

Are you sure that they are deliberately culling, or is it that your paths and interests just don't seem to intersect any more?

I had great difficulty keeping most of my pre-children friendhsips going, partly because I was available during the day - they weren't, they were at work of course - whereas they were free during the evenings - I wasn't, I was doing the supper-bed-bath-shattered routine. Several of those friendships flowered again once the friend had children. And it happened in both directions, with friends who had had children before me, as well. I genuinely wasn't aware of how the loss of those friendships might have felt to the friend - I thought that the friend had drifted away because of having children, not that we had both drifted appart.

But, yes, I imagine it must feel gutting to be struggling TTC, and seeign others succeeding. A friend MCd just a couple of weeks before we announced my second pgcy - and she didn't mention her MC, but was joyful for us. I didn't learn about the MC for some years. I didn't know just how tough that must have been, how amazingly generous it was to behave like that, until I myself had had MC.

It's a horrible situation. Last time my sister wouldn't have anything to do with me as she was going through IVF. This time my best friend has cut ties with me. And I'm only 24.

Those I used to be friends with to go for lunch, nights out, girly chats, etc, don't bother with me anymore as they don't understand I can't go at the drop of a hat as I have a DS (and I'm pregnant).

People are very selfish and probably wern't ever realy friends in the first place.

YANBU at all.

YANBU - I found the same when I got pregnant.

The bonus though is that I met so many new people it was actually the best thing for my social life as I have now made new friends who are on the same page as me.

I have really noticed this has happened to me. Especially since having 2nd child.

I have one friend in particular who wanted to see the baby then completely mucked me around with timings and stuff, and I haven't heard from her again (DS now 8 weeks old). I wasn't particularly difficult about it, but had plans on a day she wanted to visit.

I have noticed the gap between our lives widen enormously though. I would never say this in RL but she's in a ridiculous on/off passionate relationship with a guy who won't give her what she wants. I'm very tired of the hand holding during the dramatic break ups. Even before I was married I never behaved like this so I find it really hard to be aound her anyway. She can be quite unplesant and bitchy so I don't think it's much of a loss. I do think you can grow out of friendships though. I don't think that either of our needs are being met anymore, so it's a natural progression.

Either that or she finds me really dull now

What I didn't mention was that we had TTC (and had to go down the intervention route but not full IVF). The first time I did get pregnant I MC'd (but tried to look on the bright side - at least I could get pregnant).

During this time, seeing others get pregnant was painful, and one friend reminded me of my reaction when she told me - I burst into tears and said whilst I was really happy for her I was also jealous. It was hard, but no friends were lost.

I've not been through IVF, and realise that must be an emotional rollercoaster - then they add loads of hormones just to make it even harder. Also I never gave up hope and got there in the end so not had to reconcile myself with never having kids.

I guess the key is trying to leave a door open and hope that in the future the two old childhood chums might put in an appearance.

Meanwhile, it's probably time to make more of an effort and try to find more baby activities locally where there may be other mums and new friends to be made.

My best friend was trying to conceive as I fell pregnant with my first. She found it incredibly hard seeing me and speaking to me. I was incredibly hurt that she didn't want to share my experience.

However, years later we have talked about this in depth. I had no idea of the depths of my friends despair whilst she struggled to conceive. She had no idea how hurt I was by her distancing herself. Our situation was reconciled when she had her first baby and was able to understand what I must have gone through.

I think struggling to get pregnant is one of the hardest things a woman can experience.

I think we all reshuffle friendships when we have kids - especially if you have them out of sync with your other friends. Its just what happens - think of it like when you go to college/first job and sometimes you loose your school friends and make new ones. Its another stage in life. Try not to take it to heart - they will probably pop back into your life at a later point.

This happened to me too.

One friend told me in an email that I'd changed since having a baby (I would hope I had!) and that she didn't really want me or DH at her wedding as a result.

This was the friend who said she was so very hurt because she'd thought we were best friends and she was not the first person I told when I was pg. I'd only told the grandparents-to-be fgs!

I'm afraid it's like that - each person changes and either they move on or your friends do. It's hurtful but there's not an awful lot you can do about it unless you want to stall your life and let others move on without you?

Oh this has happened to me too .Leave them all behind, onwards and upwards new mates come along. A past lifelong "friend" took me to hell and back over her issues, when I should have been expending my energy on my little family. Made my life a misery over she would love to get a man and have a child blah blah blah but very bitter towards me. Then dropped me like a hotcake after a move to London .Adios Amigo.