about my feelings regarding giving birth again?

[JamesAndTheGiantBanana]

I really would like to know if I'm being unreasonable because I'm getting myself into a bit of a prematurely angry state thinking about having my next baby.

1. I'm terrified I won't get an epidural, and I've heard it said so often that they might say "Let's just see how you get on" that I feel quite defensive about it (I've done it drug free before, I know how I get on: I. Do. Not. Cope) I wish I could just ask for an elective so the outcome was more predictable.

2. I'm feeling real horror at the thought of giving birth in front of a crowd of people (again) in a brightly lit room with everyone gawping and telling me what to do. I'm really scared of this, and I feel angry that people would want to watch. I don't want more than my dp and a couple of midwives there, and I'd like it to be a bit dimly lit. Is this unreasonable?

1. honestly don't worry, if you want one you will get one
2. At my second birth there was only me and the midwife, dh didn't make it on time

How many weeks are you? Second births are often much different to first births

i feel the same !!!! when are you due? I am not due till August

second births are meant to be sooo fast, that you might not need an epi

also they are alot easier, so I doubt you will have the posse as before

Plus (cough) you have err stretched down there so its going to come out easier

I am dreading it too, but I 100% beelive what I have said to you

YANBU, it should be made as relaxing as possible (I know relaxing is the last thing you can do, but ykwim!). I'd suggest speaking to your midwife about it, and put together a detailed birth plan. Keep it in your notes (a copy in yours and in the hospital ones) and have a seperate copy to keep with you, in case they take your notes and miss it. That way everyone knows what is happening and you won't get worked up about it during labour.
I know what it's like to get worked up about things that could happen - it can get a bit out of control in your head and you get angry imagining all the negative things people throw at you! try not to worry too much. I think you'll feel better with a plan in place. hth

YANBU

I asked for an epidural and got it straight away with my second and I was induced so I was given it before the contractions even started properly.

At my second birth my now ex and two midwives were there, once I'd been given the epidural and been induced.

I'm due in may. I've made myself feel so sick thinking about it all, it's like a mini panic attack.

James - could you maybe sit down with a senior midwife and talk through your concerns - she should want to set your mind at rest. I'd also recommend putting your wishes about the number of people in the room, and the fact that if you ask for an epidural, you absolutely, definitely DO want one, in red at the top of your birthplan, and ask for a copy of this to be attached to the front of your notes.

You don't sound unreasonable at all, and I hope that you can get the reassurance that you need from the hospital, so that this doesn't blight the rest of your pregnancy.

The senior midwife should understand that being stressed and anxious is not the best frame of mind in which to approach labour, and should want to avoid this if at all possible.

DavidTennants, you're so reassuring, thanks. I don't know if I could get to see a senior midwife (obviously, I'll ask) it's just last time every time I tried to discuss the birth I got told it was too soon, or I was talking to the wrong person etc, then suddenly I was in the delivery suite at 4cm and it was too late for long discussion.

I don't have much faith in the hospital tbh but my choice was this one or an even bigger one that everyone says is like being on a conveyor belt.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana. I feel exactly the same as you. I was having this exact same conversation with my fiance last night.

With my first birth, the anaesitist(sp) was 'busy' and about half an hour after giving birth, he miraculously appeared. I know, I know, he was busy injecting other mums.

I do think though, that my awful birth experience was the reason why I then went on to suffer PND. I felt like I had been really unfairly treated and the Dr I had was terrible, vile in fact

The thought of all that intrusion fills me with dread and the feeling of not being listened to. I am due in July. Hope things start looking up for you

Would it help if you had a doula? I was worried about having to explain to the hospital on arrival that I need my antibiotics (for GBS) NOW as I have quick labours. you'd be worrying all the way to the hospital about your epidural, and obviously getting yourself all geared up for being assertive is the precise opposite to the mental state you want to be in for delivering a baby.

Once I had booked a doula I was much more relaxed. I knew that she would be able to explain all the GBS stuff without me getting involved. I also talked to her about making sure the lights were dimmed. And we agreed that if people were being too chatty she could say v quietly "she'd like things quiet, please". I trusted her not to piss people off - she has a lovely gentle manner - but also to make sure I had what I wanted.

My first birth was fairly traumatic (not objectively, compared to lots of people's experiences, but I felt traumatised by it).

I had a fairly classic story - overdue, induced, 13 hours labour, baby in distress - and stuck- followed by emergency CS. "Failed" to breast feed

I so did not want the same to happen again that I ummed and Aahed about asking for an elective CS.

Two things helped

1. Rang the Unit and spoke to a senior MW who talked me through my previous birth, so I really understood what had happened. This was 2 years on from the birth but it really helped

2. Had an individual session with a friend of a friend, an independent midwife.

felt much more "in control" 2nd time around. Upshot - very similar thing happened in that it was looking like DS2 was stuck too, but managed to be delivered by Ventouse.

Ironically, pain and recovery from birth 2 was worse, BUT the birth experience, and psychological state was much better because I felt in control.

So (sorry for going on)- Do what you need to help yourself feel more in control. You probably will anyway, because you are not completely stepping into the unknown, and nor is your partner .

Good Luck

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

Rolf I have looked into having a doula, I've even contacted a couple. One is qualified but she charges over £400 per birth and she sounds very verrry pro natural birth, into lotus births and aromatherapy etc, so I'm not sure she'd really be 100% supportive of or enthusiastic about an epidural hospital delivery. Plus she hasn't returned my email.

The other lady I've contacted charges much less as she hasn't attended a birth yet. As far as I can tell she has received some training but isn't considered a qualified doula. She has responded and sounds okay.

But at the back of my mind I think having a doula means yet another person in the room eager to see the baby as it emerges.

I thoroughly understand why some women want to do freebirthing. Being able to labour in the semi-darkness in the safety of your own home with minimal people, free to moo and move about and follow your own schedule must be bliss. Only trouble is, I want an my cake and eat it too epidural.

I felt much more able to assert myself second time round. For instance, I didn't want any medical students etc in the room, (just me and DH, me clutching his hand in a vice-like grip and not letting him go to the toilet ), whereas first time round I would have felt guilty about refusing ....

OP

i thought i didn't cope with giving birth. my first labour was long and fairly horrid. I had all the drugs going (inc epidural)

I had a homebirth for my second. my midwife was very reluctant, knowing how i hadn't coped at all well with the whole thing first time round.

but i did it. and it was lovely. so lovely that i wanted another baby straight away. so i had another one.
both born at home with no pain relief at all

i don't say this in a "i'm so smug, i had no pain relief ner ner nerrr" way. Just that, I felt exactly the same as you after I had ds1. But it turned out that using various methods (positive thinking, visualisation etc etc) and being in my own home able to do my own thing, it actually was a really NICE experience (and i never thought i'd utter those words abotu giving birth)

so you know, a second birth can be so very different from the first. i'm not trying to talk you out of having an epidural btw, just giving another perspective on it

if you do go to hpsital, and want an epidural then make sure your birth partner knows, and is willing to be vocal about it!

Please do try not to panic about this. If you are so sure you want an epidural, you WILL get one.
I felt exactly the same as you. It was the first thing I told the midwife when I went to hospital in labour with DS2. My labour then went VERY fast and by the time she called the anesthatist (which wasnt very long) I was nearly 10cm dilated and I still got my epidural mostly because my DH hadnt got there yet and we agreed I would then rest and hold off on pushing the baby out until DH got there if I had an epidural!
If you get to hospital in good time and tell them straight away, plus make sure its in your birth plan clearly then you will be fine.
Also, make a clear note that you do not want students or anyone else watching and as few pwople as necessary for the birth. They WILL listen to you. I also asked for this with DS2 and despite my mad rush to labour ward and quick birth, the midwife read through my birth plan briefly, noted my request, mentioned that she had planned a student to be with her but that she saw I wasnt comfortable with that and said no problem.
Good idea to speak to your midwife about these 2 worries specifically and ask her to reassure you as well.
Good luck

The one thing you can say about birth is that it takes you by surprise. The chances are that your next one will be utterly different from the first- I've had four and they've none of them been anything like the others.

However, what I really recommend you do is share your fears with a sympathetic midwife, and tell her exactly what you would prefer- low lighting, no excess people in the room, etc... Does your local hospital have a birthing unit? They tend to be more intimate than the standard hospital setting. Find out if it's possible to have midwife led care and for your community midwife to come into hospital to deliver the baby. Alternatively, do you feel as though you would like a home birth? You would get exactly what you want assuming everything is going well. Really though the first thing is find your friendly midwife.

Jamie, I think one of the problems is that none of the birth was explained the first time round so I'm not entirely sure who the people in the room were and whether they were essential staff, or students or what.

Perhaps a debriefing would be helpful, I just hope they won't deny things happened, or make it sound like I'm being hysterical. I'm not very good at being assertive, I'm too scared to send cold food back in a cafe, never mind to start bellowing orders at the midwives who are going to be ensuring the safety of my baby!

You may surprise yourself. I told off the Obstetrician (who was a snooty cow) for the way she spoke to the MW (who was lovely).

Recommend a debrief....

re anaesthetists not being available- I and the baby developed an infection shortly before my last birth that could have turned very nasty and required me having IV antibiotics to hopefully avoid the baby having to have them at birth (didn't work out that way but hey). Junior doctor tried for nearly an hour to get a line into my hand for the IV and had to give in to defeat after 6 punctures and no success. Even in a dire emergency it took the anaesthetist nearly an hour to emerge from theatre to come and insert a flipping cannula in my hand to give me the ABs that I desperately needed. So am not sure what's going on with anaesthetists. I think they are working at capacity in theatre.

I'm afraid I can't have a homebirth, waterbirth, birth centre birth etc because of my high bmi, my only option is the delivery suite in the hospital. As I said I did it drug free last time, so at least I can say I did that, I tried it, and the pain holds no appeal.

I really hope you're right and it's as simple as asking for what you want. Sorry I have to run off and do dinner now, but thanks for all your thoughts, and for not saying IABU.

you are being totally reasonable

can you start with speaking to your community midwife? mine was a gem last time and opened the doors for me to see senior consultant/consultant midwife/anaesthetist

an epidural, dimmed lighting and the time and space to labour are far from unreasonable expectations

in the mean time write a birth plan, and brief your dh

all the best

I wasn't allowed an epidural- I passed out from pain between contractions. Who knew that was possible? No anaesthetist after 5pm due to cost cuts.

I'm going into this one with the same feelings as you, deeply hidden underneath 'it will be fine, I'll cope'. Worried these feelings will come and bite me on the arse when the contractions start. But I'm trying to be positive.

YANBU and you have the right to speak to midwives about your previous delivery and concerns.

Your requests for your second delivery aren't unreasonable at all, and neither are your fears. I ended up having counselling during my second pregnancy because I was so terrified after my first delivery. I was having nightmares.

I was lucky to have a sympathetic midwife, who completely understood. I also went through everything with a very sensible senior midwife at the hospital, who went through my notes, listened to me, and completely approved of my birth plan (thus giving it some weight).

I would recommend putting your main requests really obviously on your notes, as everyone else recommends, I would also make sure that your DH is really really well briefed about what you want to happen. It was only when he heard me going through potential sitations with the senior midwife that DH realised how little he really knew about the process (and he'd been to all the antenatal classes with me). We then put together a plan of what he would insist on, and when. We had caveats for things like the baby being in distress, of course, but it gave him the power to talk for me. So I wasn't scared that I would be in too much pain to talk - DH could do all that for me.

I also had a dread of people looking on, and found that I couldn't really labour properly with an audience. Luckily I was able to go to the midwife unit. I've know several women who have been able to have really good (second) births in regular delivery wards though - because they were informed enough to stand up for themselves and make their wishes known, which you will be.

I wish it was as simple as 'you WILL get an epidural if you want one'.

I needed one as dd was in deep transverse arrest and they wouldn't do the em cs without one! I had to wait 2hrs as the anaesthetist was busy with a 'proper' emergency (and rightly so). Had I been having a straightforward delivery, in the 2hrs it took to free up an anaesthetist dd would have been born. I was 6hrs into my second stage at that point.

Birth trauma is in the eye of the beholder btw. If you are traumatised, it was traumatic, there's not a set list of what you have to go through before you're allowed to describe it as traumatic.

Birth trauma is indeed in the eye of the beholder. My mother is still angry about the crowd of students marched into the room during the birth of one of my siblings. I on the other hand had two sections and expected quite a crowd (ironically during the second there were hardly any - paed seemed to emerge from nowhere as baby born etc).

As someone has said, you have the right to an epidural and a room that is as calm as possible. Unfortunately there are no guarantees but I think talking it through in advance, marking it in big bold letters on the plan and being assertive when you arrive give you the best possible chances.

I had a 3 hour 40min labour..... drug free.... me, dp, midwife then another one for delivery......10lb 11oz baby boy..... tore but stitched up just fine...... SECOND TIME ROUND WAS SOOOOO DIFFERENT AND SO LOVELY!!! I had to have my waters broken as was 2 weeks overdue but got myself going without gels or drips! I think knowing what MIGHT go on prepared me.... dare i say that I thoroughly enjoyed the whole thing......even though it was BLOODY PAINFUL!!