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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have put my biggest pair of judgey pants on, and to actually feel incredibly sad?

42 replies

geordieminx · 26/01/2010 13:52

Ikea this morning.

Finished shopping, pops ds into the car and begins to unload the shopping. Family in the car next to me, playing loud music so I am drawn to them.

Guy in his 60's, smoking a rollie, window open less than an inch, behind him, a little girl no more than 18 months, eating her ice cream. Then I realise that "Granny" is sitting in the passenger seat, also smoking, again windown open about 1/2 inch. On the way back from putting trolley back, see that "mum" is in the back, next to the little girl, also smoking, and at this point, "Grsandad" throws his cig out of the window and lights another one.

I felt sick to the bottom of my stomach, that this wee girls ' family care so little for her health that they would think that it was ok to sit in a car chain-smoking.

Totally disgusting really, and as I drove home, thinking if they dont care that they are subjecting her to such dangerous amounts of toxins whilst smoking, I wonder what other aspects of the little girls life are the same.

Judgey? Probably, but honestly, its a long time since I have seen something so shocking. Maybe I've just led a shelter life.

Poor poor girl.

OP posts:
tialys · 26/01/2010 13:53

YANBU - I'd have felt exactly the same

Bonsoir · 26/01/2010 13:54

but I always see families that seem to lead very errant lives on the rare excursions I make to Ikea. Ikea attracts all sorts - hence you see the sort of people you don't cross in your daily life when you go there.

kitkatsforbreakfast · 26/01/2010 13:54

WEll, if you consider yourself to by judgey, then I must own up. I'd have been judgey too.

trice · 26/01/2010 13:58

Lots of people still smoke. the secondary smoking risk is vanishingly small in reality. I personally wouldn't a) smoke or b)smoke near a child though.

CheeryCherry · 26/01/2010 13:59

I would have thought the same. Yet when I was a child my dad smoked in the house, in the car, wherever. I bet plenty of parents did. Yes I know we all are more aware of the dangers of passive smoking, so its easier to be judgey...yet passive smoking will be the least of many childrens lives...
YANBU but worse happens.

smokinaces · 26/01/2010 14:00

YANBU to feel sad for the child being in a smokey environment.

However, YABU to think that there could be worse than that, because they subject their daughter to their smoke. I know several parents who smoke who are wonderful parents in every other way. They just seem blinkered when it comes to smoking, and smoking in cars especially (for instance one set of friends wont smoke in the house because of the kids, but will smoke in the car?!!)

BUT, saying that I would be Miss Judgey pants too

KERALA1 · 26/01/2010 14:00

I would have judged too so depressing. How much information do these morons need that smoking in a confined space with a child is not a good thing? But then I saw a fistfight in the car park of the Brent Cross Ikea between two enormous fat ladies and I got told to f* off by a member of staff so am abit jaded about that particular shop.

Sassybeast · 26/01/2010 14:03

That's why smoking should be banned full stop. When it was bandied about that smoking should be banned in cars etc, the smokers took umbrage at the idea that they would be so selfish as to subject their kids to smoke and it was their 'right' to smoke. Smoking in a confined space with a child is abuse IMO.

sheepgomeep · 26/01/2010 14:03

How do you know that this was the grandparents, and mum sitting in the car with the little girl?

And to suggest or hint at other aspects of the girls life might be terrible is unreasonable.

Yes it is wrong for the little girl to be subjected to all that smoke, I secretly judge my friends for smoking in the house with thier young children but its totally unreasonable for you to make other judgements about this little girls life. You have just seen a snapshot thats all.

And no it wasn'tme in the car

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 26/01/2010 14:04

Lots of people still smoke. the secondary smoking risk is vanishingly small in reality.

Erm, the risk of the child being admitted to hospital with, for example, bronchiolitis, or developing asthma is significantly higher than it otherwise would be.

Op yadnbu. I think that in the race to appear liberal and non judgemental many people have lost the ability to call a spade a spade. That family do not care about their child imo. At least not to the degree they should.

Original poster
geordieminx · 26/01/2010 14:04

I should at this point, mention that both dh and I are occasional smokers - but only ever do so outside.

I think if it had just been the grandparents with the girl I would have thought "they probably dont know any better", but a girl, no more than 25, who was presumably her mother should know better.

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiLand · 26/01/2010 14:05

Anna if you see all sorts at Ikea I suggest you don't venture to a Asda supercentre when next in the UK.

Yes, I would have judged, however I grew up in a smoking household and prob inhaled several packets of John Playes Specials by the time I was a few weeks old. It is grim you are right.

There are unfortunately worse things though. Which is sad indeed.

sheepgomeep · 26/01/2010 14:11

'presumably' her mother

Could ave been an auntie.

My friends should know better being in thier early 20's but they both come from a family where smoking is the norm round children.

I don't know, I've seen worse tbh, I'd rather a child come from a loving happy home and be subjected to smoke in a car than see a child punched in the face and told to f*ck of by his mum as I saw in town the other week

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 26/01/2010 14:13

I am an occasional social smoker too, but I wouldn't dream of smoking in a confined space where children were present, whether they were mine or not.

I judge this more harshly than smoking in pregnancy, tbh, as I know how difficult it can be to give up. It is not that hard, otoh, to wait 5 bloody minutes til you're outside, or go out in the garden for one.

Selfish, and fairly appalling parenting, actually.

Original poster
geordieminx · 26/01/2010 14:13

I dont know that these figures where infact relations, which is why I put them in "".

My comments re other aspects of her life were just general thought process type thoughts. Maybe they are model parents in every other way, on the other hand, if they dont care about subjecting her to serious passive smoking, do they care enough to clean her teeth twice a day? Or feed her reasonably nutritious food? I'm not saying that these are the worst things in the world - far from it, it just got me thinking, thats all.

OP posts:
Hulababy · 26/01/2010 14:14

I would have felt judgy too.

SoupDragon · 26/01/2010 14:15

Could ave been an auntie.

Yes and it could have been a complete stranger who'd actually abducted the child WTF does it matter who it was? Smoking in an enclosed space like a car with a young child is utterly disgraceful.

and at least the child who was punched and sworn at has an outside chance of being taken away to safety and the mother prosecuted. AFAIK it is not illegal to poison the air your child breathes.

ChippingIn · 26/01/2010 14:18

By trice Tue 26-Jan-10 13:58:01
Lots of people still smoke. the secondary smoking risk is vanishingly small in reality.

Trice WTF? Where exactly are you getting this mis-information from??

My friend has just had some severe chest complaints, when seeing the specialist he wanted to know how many years she had been a serious smoker - NIL, NONE, NADA is the answer, but her parents smoked in the house and in the car her whole life - her lungs are now fucked. There is a whole raft of research out there if you bother to read it.

Geordieminx - yes, it's really sad - but unfortunately common, when you go to Ikea - that place seems to draw in scrapings of the barrel (as well as some discerning shoppers of course!! )

PoppityPing · 26/01/2010 14:27

What I don't understand is how with all the 'infohelp' we have been subjected to regarding health/smoking etc, people still manage t be ignorant of the long term dangers.

I have come to the conclusion that they refuse to hear or are not able to process long term ideas- it doesn't make their children immediately ill, so they can't see the problem.

Bonsoir is right, many of us do not come into contact with families/people like this in our everyday lives. In my job I often go to children with asthma where family members will be smoking in the room whilst the child is having an acute attack.
Actually, I shouldn't even start on this subject, I could rant all day.

So, YANBU OP

peppapighastakenovermylife · 26/01/2010 14:29

I would have judged too. Even avoiding health risk arguments then it must be pretty awful to be trapped in a car with three people chain smoking

dixiechick1975 · 26/01/2010 14:29

A few years ago a colleague was dealing with an RTA claim where the family had been crashed into and injured on the way home from hospital with their new baby......then they asked if they could claim for the cigarette burn to the car seat as they had dropped their cig in the collision!

ruhavingalarf · 26/01/2010 14:30

sheepgomeep - that is awful

Whippoorwhill · 26/01/2010 14:33

I'd have been judgey too. Hell I'm judgey about my son's girlfriend's parents who smoke heavily in the house, despite the fact that their 15 year old daughter suffers very badly from asthma.

FimBOW · 26/01/2010 14:41

I saw a man tickling twin boys outside a shop with a fag dangling out of his mouth, he was crouched down at face level with the boys. The smoke was right in their faces, but they were chuckling with delight at being tickled.

FimBOW · 26/01/2010 14:42

Sorry should have added they were in a double buggy.