I know IABU, but please advise if you can. V V V long.

[namechangedwithgoodreason]

I live in SE, with my 18m DD.

I have family who live over 200 miles away in NE. (Dsis, her DH and their DC)

I have been feeling rather down lately, so family have invited me to stay for a few days, which is really kind of them. I agreed it would be lovely to see them again, and due to financial worries on my side, they have insisted on paying my train fare. It is a lovely lovely kind offer, but I really really don't want to go, and this is why.

I get on very well with my Dsis, but my BIL is another story. Whether it is because he feels at a loss as to what to speak to me about, I don't know, but his entire conversation to me is personally insulting my relatives in SE, especially being particularly nasty about my mother and sister in SE, whom I see every week. I find it so uncomfortable on the phone that I just mumble 'hmm, ok, it's not that bad etc etc'.
BIL calls my mother a fat lazy waste of space, and the sooner she drops dead the better. He speaks in a whiny voice when being nasty about them, and says how he would love to punch them.

This all originated from my Sis's and I not having the best childhood,quite a shitty childhood actually and my mother and sis in SE are quite controlling and narcissistic and BIL feels angry on behalf of my Dsis in NE, which I can completely understand, but to personally attack them when I have told him I get on ok with them and see them every week is horrible. My NE DSis rarely speaks to them, and BIL hasn't spoken to them in years and years.

BIL is also quite scathing of 'southerners' describing southerners as 'yuppies' 'up our own arses' 'poncy' etc, and when I phoned my Dsis a few days ago, she wasn't in, and BIL spent 20 mins on phone bragging about his widescreen tv, his new flooring, his new cooker, how he didn't need F all off of anyone because he has his beautiful lovely wife, who incidentally has spent more of her life with him now than she ever spent with her parents, and to think my mum didn't think it would last, what a joke she is.

I said people are not always right about relationships and their predictions, and his reply is that my mother is never fucking right...blah blah blah.
I ended up hanging up on him, because after 20 minutes of the same topic of conversation, I just couldn't listen to it anymore. Thought I would say cordless ran out of charge if Dsis brought it up

It's not like he talks about that 90% of time, but 10% other things, it's all how much he hates my family in SE, and bragging.

I have been to see Dsis and her family before, and it honestly doesn't change if I am there in person, in fact it just becomes hrs and hrs of how awful my mother and sis are, and how my mother doesn't deserve to have had DC, how she has got a nerve sending birthday cards and presents for her GC up north, or my Dsis up north, and the constant mickey taking out of their accents and mine. Even my DNiece's were telling BIL he was wrong to be blatantly taking the piss out of my accent when I was speaking to him on phone other evening.

I also have problems with my DNiece's, but have probably bored you all enough , so will just say that I find them rude, (they think calling you weird, or completely ignoring you is acceptable behaviour), as well as the youngest follows me all around the house, asking 'What's DD?' because she loves DD so much, and even waits outside bathroom for me to finish on toilet. (No, I don't take DD to loo, and I don't know why DN follows me and sits outside.)

On top of all of this, there is the small headache of travelling from SE, through London to NE by train, with an 18m old.

I am going to need to 3 days worth of clothes for us both, travel cot, buggy, and while I would buy nappies etc when I got there, it is beginning to seem like a mammoth task for a few days of listening to an abusive diatribe from BIL.

It is a very very kind offer, and if I told them all of this, they would see it as I am taking sides and I dont want to get drawn into taking sides, and they would never forget.

I just want a plausible excuse that is foolproof and your opinions as to whether you would consider travelling if it were you, and AIBU to be so scathing about BIL's behaviour.

FWIW, my mother was a crap mother and our childhood was one of DV from both parents, and my mother can still be controlling and narcissistic, but what BIL is talking about happened many years ago, and I love my mother, even if I do not always like her.

Sorry it is so long.

Could you explain to your dsis that you would love to see her but you are worried that your visit will disturb BIL?

You could then tell her indirectly that you find it difficult to deal with BIL's constant criticism of your family. Explain that however shitty your upbringing was, you are feeling a bit down at the moment and when BIL keeps reminding you about how horrible they are it is not helping you to feel better.

Explain you just can't face it at the moment and suggest meeting your dsis somewhere halfway and perhaps spend a night or two in a travel lodge together with just her.

Yes, tell them to fuck off !
Seriously though, thats a shit comment from your sis about your dp helping out isnt it, is she always so negative?

I was like you op, driven by guilt, have had a major problem with boundaries, everyones walked over me from my ex h to freinds to strangers cos i couldnt say no. When i had my new baby ( plus 2 small toddlers ) house a tip ect, my next door neighbour knocked on, could i mind the kids for a while, you know, with my 4 day old baby?
Me, umm , ok,, queue 4 noisy boys barging in and i thought " wtf why cant i say no!".

Comes from upbringing i think.I grew up where i had to be "nice", it wasnt ok to ask for anything, and if i needed, wanted anything, i was being " selfish ".Dont rock the boat and all that.
My value was what i could offer to others, instead of who i was, i wasnt valuble, worthy so mustve worked out as a kid that being "nice", not asking, being overly helpfull got me much wanted aproval ect and " love ".

Sounds strange but you might be able to decipher that waffle.Anyway, after years of putting up with shit from loony family, an abusive ex and a hideous divorce ( even the dog used to bully me !) i had enough.
My favourite phrase now is " fuck off ".

I know op.Does your heart pound at the prospect of having this conversation with them?
Sounds naughty, but could your dp have a relative who nearly snuffing it, seriously ill, in intensive care ect?

They havent gone to any trouble so far op, theyve only suggested you visit.And so what if they fall out with you? You deserve better, although i know its hard when its your family.

dignified I can relate to all of that.

I was brought up the same, and as well as all you have said, if I was proud of anything I had done, I was being bigheaded too. I was supposed to be nice, and that meant putting everyone else's desires and needs and wants before my own.

My value was also the same, was what I could offer, rather than who I was. You have got it so spot on.

I am getting abit better, but every so often, I have a wave of anxiety come over me at the thought of saying no, and it seems to happen with certain people.

I even spent 3 days worrying last week about nipping to my neighbours to tell her that I didn't in fact want to buy her second hand furniture, because it wasn't suitable. I was all ready to hand over the money rather than disappoint her, but I did politely say No in the end, which I am proud of myself for.

What was the final straw for you? And what do you tell yourself when you get the collywobbles now?

If I said a member of DP's family were ill, Dsis would say 'That's ok, DP isn't invited, he can go look after them'

Maybe I am stuck with the PITA of travelling on the train, 2 change overs and all the stuff I need as well as DD is too much.

Maybe when DS can afford the time, I can drive up and bring DS as company on the drive, be so much easier for me. I could drive during evening when DD would sleep and just put everything in boot and go door to door?

Say the truth, they can deal with it or not, you need to be honest to yourself. Tbh I can totally understand why your bil doesn't like your mother, from what you've said re:dv; it must be hard for him and he's trying to protect his wife which is admirable in that respect.

Honestly though, it might help to get everything out in the open as it's clearly still a problem for your sister as well as her husband and quite possibly their children too. Abuse and dv goes very deep and to skirt the issues by averting it onto her husband seems unfair.

Final straw was my fat abusive ex abusing me again one night..I snapped and kicked the shit out of him and threw him out.Then spent a good year wallowing and feeling shit and angry about all the crap id put up with, angry at me really for putting up with it.Also used to put myself down a lot and make jokes at my own expense.

The kids used to bully me too and yell at me and i would actually end up in tears at stuff a 9 year old was saying , i was that meek!
Anyway, got it all sorted, stopped listening to negative crap, got on top of the kids ( and the dog , how sad is that when even the dog bullys you !)

I still wobble, years of being a pushover doesnt change overnight, but it helps to picture one of the dcs in whatever situation im in, and what i would say if it was happening to them.If its not ok for them, its not ok for me, thats my standard to measure for okayness.

Also, dont know if you do this, but i would be harsh on myself, ie im such a pushover, im absoluteley crap, didnt help, viscous cycle and all that, whereas actually, it wasnt my fault, i hadnt been taught about boundaries, anyone couldve correctly predicted that this would be the outcome.Its not my fault and it isnt yours either.Time to change that though!

The other thing op, your probably really nice and find it hard to accept that people who are meant to love you can be so unkind.Sureley they didnt mean it, theyre tired, cant help it, ( insert range of excuses )

Try this op, imagine yur daughter when shes older, really imagine her.Aunt rings up and invites her to stay, she doesnt want to go but is worried about saying no . Bil will persistantly take the piss out of her, tell her how useless her partner is and genuineley upset her while Aunt does nothing to support her.
Whatever you would say on her behalf OP, say it for you.
Ps, well done on the furniture !

Dignified "Whatever you would say on her behalf OP, say it for you." That is bloody brilliant advice!

namechangedwithgoodreason "BIL calls my mother a fat lazy waste of space, and the sooner she drops dead the better."

Anyone speaking about my mother like that would at the very least never be given the opportunity to do it again.

Tell your sister you can't visit her because her husband is a stupid dick and you can't have anything further to do with him.

Your DSis sounds just as bad as your BIL actually. She's being poisonous about your DH at every opportunity for totally ridiculous reasons.

She sounds jealous or brainwashed. How can you think helping out in the house is controlling? Not being happy for your DS going to university is also horrible.

Don't let her grind you down to her level.

For goodness sake just tell your sis the truth. Say that you find it very hard when BIL slags your family off and that, coupled with the fact that they exclude your DP and the additional hassle that causes you to have to do such a long journey alone means that on this occasion you can't make it, but that you'd like to come up at some point in the future when DP IS invited too, but that your BIL will need to lay off the family slagging while you're there.

They AREN'T doing this to be kind and give you a change of scene, don't you see that? Your sister has escaped one controlling bullying environment and married straight into another. Your BIL is trying to bully you too, and divide your family further (even dividing you and your DP) This is NOT an act of kindness. It's more abuse. It just looks different from the abuse you grew up with, but it's abuse all the same.

OP, I think you could really benefit from some counselling or some assertiveness training. You are desperate to please and keep everyone happy. You have valid needs and opinions too, and you need to get to a place where you feel entitled to voice them.

You entitled your thread "I know IABU".....well how exactly are YOU being unreasonable here? You very reasonably don't want the hassle of a long trip up north to spend time with a wanker. How is that Unreasonable, exactly?

Sounds to me as if you are in some unhealthy habits, I do hope you can find a way to value yourself and assert yourself. No one can do that for you.