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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to resent the fact my dh doesn't have the same attitude to money I do?

26 replies

Pheebe · 23/01/2010 17:16

Posted this in relationships but think I need an AIBU perspective also. So AIBU to resent DH or am I reading too much into this??

I am the main breadwinner for our family. I am lucky enough to have a well paid job, I am self employed and work about 2/3 of full time. DH cannot earn a comparable salary and has looked after both ds's while they were small and is now working more as they are at school and nursery. As a family this works well, we all get lots of time together, are not short of money, have a good lifestyle etc. So what is there to complain about? Well, fundamentally I am starting to resent the fact that DH doesn't earn more and cannot take more direct financial responsibility for the family. I have taken a fair old loan out recently to cover some large bills and partly to buy a van for DH. I have no problem with that although I hate being in debt but accept its necessary at the moment. I have found it very upsetting as its put paid to any idea we might of had of having a third child - DH does not want to stay at home again (fair enough), we can't afford for me not to work for a year and with this extra loan we can't afford any alternative child care arrangements. So its been a big thing for me.

Now the problem is DHs emerging attitude to it all. its my bday soon and I was joking I wanted a DS and wanted him to get it. His immediate reaction was I'm not getting it for you and I'm not getting into debt for you either. This has hurt me very deeply as he either doesn't realise just how much pressure I feel being the sole breadwinner and bill payer for the family and how hard it is for me to give up the precious third child I thought we'd have. It's not that he refused to get the DS (I could go out and get one tomorow if I really wanted it) its his attitude.

In every other way he is great, brilliant dad, caring partner, hard working (has rennovated the house while being at home with the boys) but seems to have the attitude - while I'm paying for everything he doesn't need to think about it.

I'm starting to become really resentful and am not sure where to go from here as I suspect this could put our marriage under real strain.

OP posts:
MrsMattie · 23/01/2010 17:19

Maybe he is aware of how much financial pressure you're under and is just trying to be frugal.

If you're having to take out a loan to pay your bills a DS isn't the best idea, is it?

I also think it's unfair of you to resent your DH for earning less than you when he has been the main childcarer for several years.

Sorry - YABU

BelleDameSansMerci · 23/01/2010 17:21

When I started reading your post I thought you were being a bit U but, on reading the whole thing, I think YANBU.

His attitude seems a bit strange given that you are now in debt to get his van and for this loan, etc.

Is he planning to pay back the money for the van? If not, I think that would be a conversation I'd be wanting to have with him...

activate · 23/01/2010 17:26

I think your issue isn't money. It's a lack of care and respect from your DH.

I think feeling bad about being the main breadwinner is not allowed in your position tbh. This was your family choice. Men don't get to rail about being in this position and neither should you be able to. You are the main breadwinner and provider.

Don't understand why you don't have a joint account. Take loans out as joint loans etc. You appear to have kept your finances separate and given him an allowance - I don't understand why any married couple chooses this option as it sets up inequities. All the salary should go in a joint pot and you should share it equally as you are supposed to be sharing your lives together.

This is why you're feeling hard done to I think.

And I think to solve it you should set your family finances out differently

Georgimama · 23/01/2010 17:27

Why should he pay back the money for the van? It is presumably a joint expenditure out of family money. OP is the main breadwinner, I'd love to see the pasting a man would get for taking the OP's attitude to his former SAHM wife who now worked but due to the years taken out now earned significantly less than him. It would be a MN bloodbath.

OP I'm interested to know why you think your husband should now take "more direct financial responsibility for the family". How in practice could this work when he has presumably sacrificed several years in the job market to be a SAHP while you concentrated on your career? Why should he do this - because he's a man?

YABU in case that wasn't clear.

Georgimama · 23/01/2010 17:28

Activate is talking sense about joint accounts.

BelleDameSansMerci · 23/01/2010 17:34

I think anyone who only has a joint account is asking for trouble - particularly if there are different attitudes to money on either side.

I think a joint account where x% of the income from each party goes in (this is then fair to the lower earning party) and is then used for joint purchases/debt etc is a better idea.

The reason I asked about paying back the loan for the van is that the OP stated that part of the loan/debt was to buy a van for DH who will presumably be using it for work. He then said he wouldn't get into debt for her. I think that's a bit off considering that she is now in debt for him.

Original poster
Pheebe · 23/01/2010 17:35

THanks ladies, this is just what I needed - big challenge to my way of thinking

DH hasn't been out of the job market so to speak, he is a self employed skilled labourer and has worked throughout his time with the boys its just that he's took on 2 thirds of the childcare in their first years after which we shared the childcare and eased them into nursery.

The loan is to cover a variety of expenses and part of a tax bill, I have earnt less than expected this year but because of the way the system works you have to pay in advance based on the previous years earnings. I will get part of the money back. I got a preferential rate on the loan so made far more sense than taking a vehicle finance.

mrsmattie you're right it is unreasonable of me to resent him for not earning more. He does contribute hugely not least in adding massively to the value of the house by renovating it around our ears. I think I'm just tired of being the one to pay for everything. I'm tired, I need a break from work, I want another baby and we can't have one because DH can't earn enough to support us all. I guess thats what I mean rather than I resent him (I don't, I love him)

OP posts:
Original poster
Pheebe · 23/01/2010 17:37

I do see the van as ours and have no problem that I've taken the finance for it per se. Its necessary for him to work, just as my computer is necessary for me. Both I paid for, not a problem as whats mine is ours. its his attitude that troubles me.

OP posts:
jamaisjedors · 23/01/2010 17:42

Do you know a lot of families where the wife is a SAHM and is solely "supported" by her DH?

Is this why it's getting to you?

Intergalactic · 23/01/2010 17:42

How soon do you need to have another baby? Is your age a factor? You say you are quite well off at the moment - can you cut back on some treats, groceries, anything else and make some savings over the next year or two (or three)? Then work out some sort of arrangement where you drop your hours but return to work gradually after a few months, and you and your DH balance the childcare/work between you in a way that works?

jamaisjedors · 23/01/2010 17:42

Can't you have a 3rd child and go back to work anyway?

Georgimama · 23/01/2010 17:43

Open and frank discussion about money, including proportion of income contributed to household expenses and recognition of the immense pressure you are under is needed in that case.

Tax system for the self employed is a complete bugger - total sympathy on that score.

Third child sounds like a really big part of your dissatisfaction and I can't blame you - can you sell the beautifully inhanced house and relocate to a cheaper part of the area? Start planning now to save as much as possible and be as frugal as possible over next three or five years in order to have longed for child?

BelleDameSansMerci · 23/01/2010 17:44

It sounds, really, as if you just need him to show that he appreciates you and perhaps treat you to something nice for your birthday?

It is hard when you're the breadwinner and all the responsibility falls to you. I have a totally different attitude to the lot of many men now that I am the breadwinner and completely responsible for the household. It is hard and tiring.

Original poster
Pheebe · 23/01/2010 17:45

jamais no not really, I've always been financially independent and love my job. I don't know, maybe I'm just feeling a bit hard done by and pathetic

intergalactic I suppose that might be possible but the nature of my work means that I need to be working constantly otherwise the contracts move elsewhere

OP posts:
Original poster
Pheebe · 23/01/2010 17:48

belle I think thats it exactly, I haven't don't and would never ask for the world from him, I have no need of it. Everyone likes to be recognised and appreciated though don't they

georgi what you say may also be possible although I love our house, its our home, the only the boys have known. Not sure it would be fair to them. Arrgg so many strands to this! The baby thing is a much bigger part of it than I realised I think.

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 23/01/2010 17:56

Ah, Pheebe, I do feel for you. I hope does get something to surprise you. Just a thought, but is there any chance he's already bought you something and so wants to dispel the DS idea?

Georgimama · 23/01/2010 17:58

Having moved a lot as a child I think children aren't as attached to their actual house as parents often think - as long as they've got their stuff and their parents, home is a moveable feast. Within two days of moving house the interior of each house looked exactly like the interior of the house we had left - my mum was ace at this!

StrictlyKatty · 23/01/2010 18:27

I hope the house is important as we move all the time with the army and DS has had 3 rooms already at just turned 2!

You sound like you really want a 3rd child. What you don't do in life it what you regret I believe. If you really do want another child you'll find a way. Move somewhere cheaper, make some serious cutbacks. It seems like this would be a big strain to your marriage to give up your 3rd child dream when it's just about money.

StrictlyKatty · 23/01/2010 18:29

isn't important oops

diddl · 23/01/2010 18:34

Well, if you are paying off debts then I think he is right about the DS tbh.

How are your attitudes differing?

Also, you´re not the sole breadwinner are you?

cory · 23/01/2010 19:05

I am glad my dh didn't feel like this about his presents when I was a SAHM and he was the sole breadwinner.

Original poster
Pheebe · 23/01/2010 19:09

No not sole, but main for sure. Although as his work increases that will change I'm sure.

As for the debt, its short term and we (I) can definitely service it.

We've just had a blazing row and he's said some really nasty things to me and has now gone off with ds1 to buy my bday cake!!!!

I need to go an digest this all as it seems to be spiralling out of control

OP posts:
Original poster
Pheebe · 23/01/2010 19:13

cory it really isn't the present, the DS thing was a joke initially, he gave me some lovely stuff at christmas that cost him next to nothing but means the world to me. Its about his attitude. He isn't and has never been a full SAHD, we've always shared care, its just he's done 3/4 days a week whereas I've covered 1 or 2.

He's now claiming I belittle him - I have always been very careful NOT too, but suspect that the very fact I can earn more money than him is an issue for him. I can't do anything to change that, I see it as lucky for us as a family and have always had the view whats mine is ours. Not sure I know him any more

OP posts:
FairyCakeBump · 23/01/2010 19:54

Pheebe - Sorry, I haven't read all the thread but wanted to let you know you can reduce your payments on account if your income has been less than the previous tax year.

It can be done over the phone - just ring your tax office and ask them. The only downside is if you reduce them and it turns out you owe more than what you've said, they will charge interest on the balance so you have to be spot on with knowing what your current year income is.

GrendelsMum · 23/01/2010 20:13

Practically - Have you been able to claim the cost of the van back from his tax?

Emotionally - I wonder whether your feelings about him failing to provide sufficiently for you to have a 3rd child do come across quite clearly, even though you try to hide them? I think that would be a very difficult thing to hide, and might well come across to him as implying that he has in some way failed.