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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I know I am, but grrrrr!

44 replies

ButterPie · 23/01/2010 14:16

DP works full time and I am SAHM to DD1 (2.10yo) and DD2 (2 months old). Today is DPs day off and he has done nothing but rub me up the wrong way! I know he isn't doing it on purpose, but I need to vent so I don't snap at him.

Right, we wake up to the sound of DD1 shouting for us (well technically I was awake as i was bf DD2 in bed). DP rolls over and pulls the covers over his head. I unlatch the baby, thinking that as he works all week, he deserves a lie in, and as I am getting out of the bed he says he will be up in a minute. I said that I was just going to get DD1 and bring her back to our room while I got dressed, then we would leave him in peace. He got up and started getting dressed in a strop saying he couldn't relax with me and the kids there.

We all got dressed and came downstairs, I said that yesterday I bought bacon and eggs for us to have a special breakfast and who wanted some. DD1 shouted "me, me, me!" and DP grunted, so I started to cook breakfast for all three of us. Half way through, DP starts making fun of how I was doing the scrambled eggs (wrong pan, too much butter, I didn't heat the pan enough) and took over. He then asked why i was cooking so much food for just me and DD1.

Oh, and he was also moaning about the music I was listening to, so i changed it to music that i know he likes. i left the room for a minute for some reason and when i came back he had turned it off and was trying to find a radio show on iplayer. When he couldn't find it he just turned the computer off entirely

I asked what we should do today, he said he has to go into Newcastle (about half an hour away on public transport) to sort out his bank (which is a whole other story, but boils down to him not even noticing when £525 went missing from his account. He only earns £180 a week so that is a huge amount of money to us. Needless to say, I am now definitely taking over running all our finances) and I suggested we make a day of it, maybe take the kids to a museum, have lunch out, that kind of thing. I'm still limping from spd so find it hard to get out very much during the week. He said that sounded awful and that it would be entirely pointless and that we should spend the day in the house. I later found out that his football team are on tv today. Why couldn't he just say that he wanted to watch the game? He could have even watched it in a pub while I looked at dresses or whatever with the girls in Newcastle, then we could have all had a wander about the city.

So, his football game started on tv. I needed to get some household admin done (i try to do it in the week but for various reasons had a pile of filing of his payslips and bank statements - that he is somehow incapable of doing - waiting to be done) so I asked him if DD1 could do her colouring in the living room so he could keep an eye on her. He moaned and groaned but agreed, but twice already (she has been in there 45 minutes) I have found her in the bathroom by herself with the door shut (she is potty training, but he could easily stand and watch the game and her at the same time rather than leaving her unattended in a room where he keeps forgetting to put his shaving stuff out of her reach for a start)

I said I fancied at least going down to the local shops to get some meat and veg in. he said that he would go and i could stay in the house with the kids. When I said that I only really wanted to get out of the house and give myself and the kids some fresh air, he started grumbling and moaning and saying that we would take twice as long with me and the kids slowing things down (I wasn't aware food shopping was a race...)

And so on. Loads of little niggly things, but they take on massive significance when I have been looking forward to the weekend all week as the time when i could actually get stuff done (obviously I try in the week, but things are so much easier with another adult about, plus I actually like spending time with the man for some reason )

Sorry, I know IABU, he has been working all week and doesn't know what it is like spending 24/7 with the under 3s, but I had this idea of us looking round the kids activities at the museum, looking like something out of a catalogue, and instead I am in the kitchen feeding the baby and he is barely tolerating the toddler being in the same room while he watches football.

OP posts:
LadyintheRadiator · 23/01/2010 14:45

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amialoneinthisone · 23/01/2010 14:45

No point asking you to calm down ladyintheradiator, you're permanently prickly

LadyintheRadiator · 23/01/2010 14:49

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juneybean · 23/01/2010 14:49

But Lis, surely you work all week too?! Why should he get a lie in for goodness sake

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 23/01/2010 14:57

ButterPie - he really takes the and has no idea at all does he?

insertexpletive · 23/01/2010 14:58

Sorry ButterPie but my ?emotionally controlling? radar is going into overdrive

Being a moody git is one thing, but it sounds very much like there is a bit more to it than that?

MrsVidic · 23/01/2010 15:00

OP fwiw my dp does shifts and even when he's not on a day off he'll get up early with dd sometimes and give me a lie in.

I feel you have 2 issues:

  1. his mood today- is he tired (co-sleeping etc') having a hard time at work, worried about that money? If he is ofetn moody I'd talk to him about it.
  2. His attitude towards your role/ spending time with dc's. Has he looked after themboth alone yet? Is he a confident father? Do you talk to him about what its like for you on a day to day basis and how you cherish his days off? Men sometimes need things explaining really simply.

hth

tootiredtothink · 23/01/2010 15:01

Please don't wait for him to be nice just when you go in a bit of a mood - it doesn't work in the long run!

Talk to him - tell him what an arsehole twat tosser moody guy he can be all the time on occasion, and how much you look forward to spending time with him and the dcs at the weekend.

I'm a sahm but dh and I take it in turns each weekend to have a lie in. Tis only fair.

tootiredtothink · 23/01/2010 15:02

and dh is upstairs as we speak changing the beds. We all have to muck in here

sb6699 · 23/01/2010 15:04

Think you're being a bit hard on yourself ButterPie - and too easy on him.

Just because he works doesnt mean that he shouldnt contribute to the household - cleaning, getting up with dc's etc.

Sounds like he's just in a bad mood and taking it out on you.

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 23/01/2010 15:08

Dh works full time. I am a full time sahm. I obviously do more housework in the week but dh does whatever needs doing when he is here before work, after work and at the weekend. We both get up together at the weekend but if one of us wants a lie in we have it.

Fauzi · 23/01/2010 15:31

Hey dont worry ur not the only one with such a partner know totally how you feel

ButterPie · 23/01/2010 15:35

It all just blew up. I heard him talking to DD1 about putting her coat on, so I asked where they were going. "to get the shopping so you can have a break". I said I would really like for us all to at least have the walk to the local shops together today. He said that i might as well go on my own. I said I struggle to get much shopping done with the kids in tow (I tend to make a day of it in the week) but both of us could do it easily. He stormed out of the room (leaving little DD1 looking bewildered) and slammed the door hard. I followed him and said that if he was going to get aggressive he would have to go out. He said he had only shut the door behind him. And so on.

Eventually he calmed down and he got his way and has taken DD1 with him, leaving me and the baby here. I think he thinks that doing that is really brilliant, new man behaviour.

I know i only talk about him when he is an arse, but he honestly is normally lovely. i just don't think he sees how his actions affect others. I need to get it through to him that he needs to act like an adult.

OP posts:
Jux · 23/01/2010 15:46

Normally he's lovely. Today he's a tosser.

Make sure he knows that no one on MN is going to give him a medal either.

Alambil · 23/01/2010 16:20

acting like an adult may occur when you go out for 2/3 hours ENTIRELY on your own when they return... take the newborn if they can't wait for food, otherwise he can learn the hard way that parenting is not a pick and choose activity

ButterPie · 23/01/2010 16:27

Lewisfan- I was just considering exactly that. I could express milk and then go swanning off somewhere. That's if he hasn't spent all my money (he took my card to do the shopping due to previously mentioned problems with his account)

OP posts:
LadyintheRadiator · 23/01/2010 17:18

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Chulita · 23/01/2010 17:59

YANBU, parenting is a full-time job and it's his day off from paid work, not from parenting. Often sahm's don't get a 'day off' because the partner's too tired from paid work to help with lo's. He's got a right attitude on him and I really hope you can sort it out soon.
Btw, Saturday is my 'day off' in that I don't cook the evening meal, DH is rustling up Toad-in-the-hole as I type

MadamDeathstare · 24/01/2010 14:35

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