to not reply to DSs best mates mum?

[KittyNotVengefulAnymore]

DS (5) made a best mate at Nursery and they were inseparable.

They now go to different schools and for a while the mates mum and I carried on contact for the boys' sake.

Thing is, I can't stand this kid. I have done a thread on him before (under a diff name) as he is a completely undisciplined child and to a degree is a bad influence on my DS. The problems come when the mate will do something that DS is not allowed to do and will not get reprimanded for it and then of course DS will if he does it. It was confusing for him on top of the mate encouraging him to be unruly.

And I am not being unreasonable on the bad behaviour incidents, I have checked that previously on here!

So took them out for DSs bday and mate and DS played up. Both got told off for that and for safety reasons. Mate hated it, and me, mother was not pleased when I told her, as she has never once told him off herself! Have not heard from them since (October).

(OK, the kid physically hurts his little sis, leaves rubbish, food, half eaten yoghurt pots on carpet and when told to tidy them up kicks them everywhere, prevented my DS from eating by poking, tickling and getting in his face - she said - 'oh I can't tell him off when you are going in a min, throws tantrums and gets what he wants.... etc)

So she has emailed me asking for a meet. AIBU to ignore the email and allow DS too gradually forget this mate?? Or am I being to precious?

I just don;t want DS to end up a little shit like that boy (sorry of that sounds harsh, but it is the truth, and other mothers that know him have expressed the same opinion)

And yah, Friday night alcohol affects my wording, but I do want actual, honest opinions please.

Just tell her you are busy. Then when she asks again tell her you are busy again. Don't leave her message unanswered though, this is a bit mean.

yes, busy, busy, busy.. Don't ignore.

Am so with you on this!

You're not being precious, you're being a good mum! I wouldn't repeat meets with a lad like that, his mum is doing him no favours at all. Poor thing though, it's not his fault, he's clearly not been taught how to behave.

Say you are busy, we had a bit similar, lovely mum, unruly child,never told off.

For us what tipped the balance was finding DS curled on the floor receiving kicks on the head from the other child.

They love each other, I'm ensuring the don't... to death

YANBU.

OTOH, I know of children who were buggers pre-school but just a few months of structure have made all the difference! However, if her stance remains the same (she wont guide and discipline her child nor allow you to when he is playing with your DC's) I'd still say the situation's fairly untenable because ishoos will still crop up.

if it was me i would probably tell her why i didn't want to meet up again, i think she needs to know that the way she is bringing up her son is not doing him any favours!

YANBU

YANBU.

However you could be honest with her and see if she takes it on board. Although chances are she'll just get defensive and fall out with you anyway!

YANBU to not want your son to associate with the boy. I would reply to her message though, that you are busy.

YANBU but don't ignore, just be busy on all the dates she suggests until she gets the message.

Would you like to see her? You could suggest that the two of you go out one evening for some grown-up conversation. If the issue of the boys comes up just say, 'I'm sure we both agree that they egg each other on, I think they could do with a breather for a while.' Keep it lighthearted and imply that you think they are both really good but seem to bring out the worst in each other.

littledawley has a good idea. Find a way of telling her that you don't think the boys are good together without directly complaining about her ds which, lets face it, is never going to end well

If you are not bothered about her friendship and only got on because of the boys then do as others suggest and be very busy

They have been apart for a while now and have started school (reception year?). It may be that with the discipline of school he has calmed right down - which is exactly what happened in a similar situation i was in with a friend.

I would give it one last go - maybe at their house so yours isn't wrecked and if that is just as awful then you know you have tried your best and can be "busy" for all the other suggested meet ups - also you will be guilt free!

Ignore! Just say that sorry you are busy at the moment. This mum sounds like a nightmare and i totally agree with you. At that age friendships are fickle anyway, best friend one day not the other. Your ds is going to have plenty of other friends at school and though life dont worry about it. UANBU at all

Yes i go agree poor other ds it is not his fault at all that his mum cant discipline him. I would reply and say your busy and sorry dont ignore let it naturally fizzle out.

I like littledawley's idea, or as helpyouiwill suggests you could meet at their house if you did think it was worth a last try - perhaps ask your DS if he wants to meet him again?

But I do think it would be rude to ignore her text and a bit wimpy too, though I tend to avoid confrontation too....

oh i was in a similar situation with one of DDs friends from playschool - whenever we went to their house it was bedlam - food being thrown, general chaos - even DD found it a bit much. Throw a younger brother into the mix who was into everything (i know, toddlers are) but the mother just didnt notice, i would be there heart in mouth, jumping to stop him from grabbing saucepans - she would let him stand on a bench and watch the cooking - i kid you not - well within grabbing range. I would be fraught when we left there.

TBH i didnt even wait til they went to different schools to cool that particular friendship down, i just coudlnt COPE.

We all parent differently, some people are embarrased about disciplining their children in front of other people, but you just have to question whether you are compatible as friends anyway.

I have a friend whos DD went to a different school, but we have formed a friendship secondary to the girls so we keep up with the friendship.

Just tell her you are busy?

I have no interest in meeting up with the mother - we have rather differing views on a lot and she appears to be Rhino skinned when it comes to dropping hints and subtly saying things. I have tried to talk about he boys and discipline before and it really is like water off a ducks back.

DS hasn't mentioned the friend much, but when he does, he still refers to him as his best friend, but yes, he has made plenty of other very good friends at school now, thankfully!

I think I will do what many of you suggested, so as not to be rude, and reply but always be busy.

Thank you all for your replies!

YANBU.

You have to do what you think is best for your DS and now they are at different schools you have a good chance to cut the ties.

I agree with other posters that you shouldn't just ignore the other Mum's emails. Personally I would just say that you have other things on.

My DD still goes on about a little boy who she went to playschool with - similar situation, me and the mum had not much in common so no lasting friendship struck. Anyway, went to a local after school club and this boy was there - both of us mums said, ooh look theres X going and say hello -lol, they didnt even recognise or acknowledge each other - she has been twice now, both ignored each other, yet DD still talks about him and says she wants him at her bday party - lol children are odd

Thats good Kitty, yes just keep saying you are busy and have other things on and mabey she will get the hint, if your ds isent that bothered and does not ask to see him than just let it go, sounds like he is doing fine friends wise.