AIBU to expect ex h to treat dd's the same?

[cahu]

My ex h lives with his girlfriend and her daughter nearby and my 2 dd's spend every other weekend with them.

While they were there last week, dd1 who is 12 rang me and asked if she could go to his girlfriends daughters 10th b'day party this weekend when they are with me. I said yes if dd2 who is 8, was going also.

When I saw them the next day, dd1 said they weren't going. When i questioned why, she said the daughter didn't want dd2 to go!

A few days later, I read a text of dd1 who was at a school friends party. Ex h had asked where she was and when she told him, he said " is dd2 there with you" obviously making a point to my so called unreasonable stance.

He then texted dd1 just before the party and begged her to come although she said nothing to me.

DD2 has suffered enough during a lengthy divorce etc to be made to feel left out now. What do you think?

I think it is pretty shitty and out of order of your ex to treat his daughters so differently. Thbis is completely different to one of them being invited to a school friends party and the other not. What a knob.

So sorry for your DDs being caught up in it, not sure what you can do but stand your ground, you are right.

Thank you mummy, I thought I was right. They also used to send dd2 to bed when the x factor was on, whilst they watched it downstairs. They put a tv in her room and she watched it alone until I complained about it!!!!!!!!!!

Is DD2 your ex's child?
He is still a twat for treating her differently even if she is not his. Just wonder WTF is going on.

She is his child, kinnies, but is not as 'golden' in his eyes as dd1. He was able to brainwash dd1 during divorce and almost turned her against me, although we now have a great relationship, since we left him.

Is the new GF's daughter a similar age to your DD1, with DD2 being a fair bit younger? Perhaps that's why. Although I still think it's a bit mean on their part.

Oops, sorry. Just seen that she's 10. No excuse then!

And actually, I would have concerns about what else is going on that excludes your DD2 as well. Why would they condone GF's DD inviting one of yours but not the other? And making snide comments about it to your elder DD by text?
Nasty.

I don't know, clam. DD2 is a lovely child, (obviously i'm biased) but she struggles to compete with dd1 who is traditionally pretty, very popular, etc. DD2 has just started wearing glasses, is head and shoulders above her classmates and is slightly tubby. All of which make life just a bit more difficult for a little girl anyway. Especially as she is very sensitive.

I dress her to suit her shape in monsoon floaty tops and laggings as she has really long legs and she looks great. I feel they show her no respect by dressing her in crap which does not suit her and dd1 has to intervene or they take her out looking a mess. Money is not the problem for them, btw.

You are CERTAINLY not being unreasonable. If you offer something to one daughter, you offer it to the other. The fact that the other girl didn't want to have your DD2 there is irrelevant. I'm going to have to assume they see a fair bit of each other, in which case the fact that your younger DD is the daughter of this girl's mum's boyfriend means she gets an invite no matter what.

If your ex is repeatedly treating her badly it's definitely something to get sorted. If he keeps maltreating her compared to the other daughter, maybe threaten to not send them over - I wouldn't send a child of mine somewhere she will be bullied, particularly not in front of her older sister. Your ex needs to learn how to be a father by the sounds of it. Shame on him for not trying to patch up the situation with his girlfriend's daughter so that his own children are both happy, and even more shame that this isn't a one off occurence.

I would cut all contact for both DDs with x.
I know he will demand access but you cant allow him to be so abusive to your Dc. He is abusing both Dds not just the one he likes less.
Go to your gp and tell the whole story also go to the school.
Tell anyone and everyone about it and ask for counciling for your Dc.
I fecking hate this man and have never met him

Pixie, do you think I should take it that far? It does make my heart bleed. If I text any comment, all I get back is "sad old woman" or "bitter saddo". You get the picture? Although she was allowed to watch x factor with them after i sent a text.

Problem is, he can twist anyone around his little finger, and I would be unable to stop contact as dd1 would just go anyway and that would leave dd2 feeling different again.

I do have a great solicitor who handled the divorce who I still have contact with. What could he do apart from stop contact, do you think?

I do think the treatment of your younger daughter is awful, and I would be upset in your position.

I suspect the reason DD1 was invited is because she is 12, and the 10 year old would look up to a secondary school age child, and think it was exciting to have an older girl there. A lot of hero worship can go on with slightly older siblings/step siblings.

The mother of the 10 year is probably thinking about her own daughter's interests, and sees the 12 year old fitting it with that but not the 8 year old.

I know I am just speculating, but I do think it might be not entirely malicious on the other mother's part. I have an 11 year old and an 8 year old, and my 8 year old gets left out when staying with cousins, so I can see it is upsetting.

I could not begin to tell you what he put them through during the divorce but was half shacked up with this woman and still living in the family home. All the while trying to turn girls against me, telling them Mummy wants a divorce and OW was just a friend who was helping him as mummy had been so nasty!!!!!!! Could always tell who he had been standing next to in school yard if he ever picked them up by negative reaction to me next time they saw me!

This is small compared to whats gone on in the past........

Kinnies and Tot, not allowing contact would backfire and give him ammunition against me with the children.

Am sure he has narcisstic personality disorder. Can charm the birds from the trees but underneath he only loves himself and whatever situ is most convenient for him at time.

You can stop a 12yr old going somwhere if you want to.
Yabu if you let this continue.

Sorry didnt mean that to sound harsh.
Get to the gp and get some help for your DDs asap.
You dont want them to see what their father does as normal.

Kinnies, I feel that would inflame the situation and leave me looking like the unfair one in the childrens eyes.

They are slightly brainwashed by him and his family and I dont think they are allowed to mention me when they are at their house in case they upset them.

He is a 'fun' person if they keep on his right side and they make sure they do. Whereas I had to be bad cop and do the proper parenting.

Millie, I agree with you but when the actual parent of the left out child is involved in the choice of inclusion to a party, surely that is not the same as cousins giving status to the older child?

Well if your not going to stop contact, then your only option is to speak to him.
You will not be the bad cop forever. sooner or later they will realise what a nob he is.

I hope so, kinnies, I really do. He is a powerful character to a child and seeing him almost turn dd1 against me a couple of years ago broke my heart. I know what he is capable of and dd2 still wants to go there.... Will speak to GP re councilling though.

Please don't think badly of me. I would like nothing more than to give him a bit of a shock re contact but we are not dealing with a 'normal' dad. He is the ultimate manipulator............

Oh goodness I dont think badly of you at all!

I'm just sorry that you and your Dc are in this mess caused by a total prick.

I know what its like to be treated badly as a child, so it hits a nerver with me. Emotional abuse hurts more and for longer than physical IME.

Maybe you could get some advise from NSPCC and womans aid. I know womans aid deal with the effects of people like your x alot so they will prob give you some great advise.

I know its hard to pick up the phone and tell somone whats been going on, but I really think it will help you.

kinnies, thank you so much for the advice. I certainly will seek help.

Just seeing this in print has upset me and the tears are flowing......

All we want for our dc is happiness and when it is out of our control, it is hard to deal with. Thanks again. X

Oh gawd dont thank me I've just told you to ring a few numbers!

I know what you mean about getting it all out. It makes you realise how fu#ked up things are IME.

You sound like a grat Mum who puts her Dcs feelings before her own. Thats great and the way things should be, but dont forget yourself. You have had a shit time and being with an arse like your x has probably put your self esteme under alot of strain.
It does not mean youre weak. Just human.
Be kind to yourself.

So unfair to treat them differently - kids are smart and will pick up on this.
I hope you can get your ex to see this too.
I think many parents are a bit guilty of a touch of favouritism, but you really do have to be seen to be fair and equable.
Good luck! Have your word with him when you're good and calm.