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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To question why we have not been invited?

42 replies

PrammyMammy · 22/01/2010 19:25

Dp and i have been together 5 years, have 2 children and are engaged to be married.
I don't know whether i am BU or not.

Last year dp's uncle passed away, it will be one year to the day on Sunday. Dp and i have lived together 3 years. We attended the funeral, (our ds didn't and i was pg with dd). We attended the wake. We attended his aunts house for christmas dinner.

So Dp is just off the phone to his mum, and they are having a dinner in memory of his uncle. Dp has been invited through. Not me. Now if it is the kids that are a problem, they know i can get baby sitters pretty easily, but there will be other kids at the dinner on Sunday, one who is only 6 months older than my ds, so it isn't his age either.
When dp told me, i asked him. " Are we not all invited?" To which he replied, " it isn't like they wrote out invites, but she only asked me"

AIBU to wonder wtf? Or is this pretty normal? I my dp and dcs are always invited to family things from my side.

OP posts:

Original poster

PrammyMammy · 22/01/2010 19:58

So wouldn't you mind imsonottelling? Good to hear another pov. If it was your dp and future IL family would you not bother?

OP posts:

lou031205 · 22/01/2010 20:28

I would be hurt. Why can't your dp phone & ask if he could bring his family?

Original poster

PrammyMammy · 22/01/2010 20:46

Now dp is in a huff saying he won't go anywhere on Sunday because he is getting hassle.
He won't phone and ask. I don't know why. He says he isn't invited from his aunt, just from his mum.

OP posts:

2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 22/01/2010 20:48

He is most likely in a huff because he has realized it is a bit "off" to show up unvited by the host to a dinner, which is why he now says he is not going anywhere on sunday. He is saving himself embarassment, but he is laying the blame on you. Let it be. For now.

ruddynorah · 22/01/2010 20:54

you ring his mum. say to her 'hi, just been talking to dp about sunday, now what time are WE to be there, he forgot to ask!' or something along those lines.

2rebecca · 22/01/2010 21:10

If you don't like haggis though and everyone else does do you really want them doing a dinner especially for you? Especially when it sounds like your partner wasn't really on the guest list and was just dragged along by his mother. Unless the kids like haggis and there will be other kids there I think you having a strop and wanting to go to an adult function with a meal you don't even like is a bit odd.
If your partner wasn't going to be spending the day with you anyway i think you're being a bit unreasonable, mind you I think his mum was unreasonable and thoughtless.
From the bereaved aunt's point of view I can imagine having to entertain you and kids if you don't like the meal would just be a pain though.

Original poster

PrammyMammy · 22/01/2010 21:17

I don't eat any kind of mean. My ds does.
But this didn't stop them inviting me at christmas. Turkey. And using the bereaved aunt as an excuse. Saying it will be her 1st christmas alone and we should be there.
There will be other children there too.
Yeah they obviously do think it will be a pain. Shame that.
I held a dinner thing for my sons birthday, and even although i don't eat meat of any sort, i had duck for others.
But if this is how things work, and i have missed something, and every dinner/party i hold go out of my way to please others. It will be stopped, and i will save a hell of a lot of money.

OP posts:

MadamDeathstare · 22/01/2010 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca · 22/01/2010 21:20

It sounds as though your partner wasn't invited either though so I think your looking for something to be offended at a bit. The mum is just being thoughtless inviting her son to his aunties because she still thinks of him as her ickle boy. That's all. It's not really about you by the sounds of things, more mummy not treating him like a (nearly) married man with a family.

callmeovercautious · 22/01/2010 21:21

I would ring MIL and say you didn't realise there was a meal and if she would like you all there to support her/the Aunt then you would be more than happy to make the trip.

If she makes a fuss and says "oh no need to bother" then you can back out with no one being embarrassed.

Perhaps she just thought you were busy with the DC?

Still annoying though!

MadamDeathstare · 22/01/2010 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

heQet · 22/01/2010 21:26

I think he probably wasn't invited either! But when he mentioned to your mum that he was going to be in the area, she invited him along.

Because he said he will be in the area! It's now his choice to go to the dinner instead of seeing his friend. But he wouldn't have been asked along at all if he hadn't mentioned being around.

Now if you were all going to be in the area, and she only invited him to this meal, that would be different.

However, I think it will be bloody awkward if his mum has just tagged him on. It's not her place to invite people, is it?

Now, if, say, your brother has a sibling and them and their family have been invited but you haven't, that's also different. - is that the case?

Original poster

PrammyMammy · 22/01/2010 21:31

Dp's sister is going, but she doesn't have a family. But his cousins and their families will be there.
It is all okay now anyway, ill give dp flowers to hand in. His mum has offered to pick him up and have him stay at her house, so i will make sure she sees the flowers are from me.

OP posts:

heQet · 22/01/2010 21:34

His cousins are the children of the deceased?

If they are, then that is to be expected. Immediate family.

There has to be a cut-off point. Or you'd end up with your forth cousin six times removed sitting there!

I think the flowers are a kind thought.

muminthemiddle · 22/01/2010 22:03

I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

If your dp was going somewhere without you anyway then you wouldn't be spending the day together anyhow.
I agree with Rebecca- sounds like his mum just thought of adding her son on as if were,because he would be in the area that day.
Tbh I feel sorry for his aunt. It is her husband who has died (ok I know he was a brother and uncle too) I personally wouldn't want to stress her out with inviting myself.

I do understand your annoyance (more at his mother). Some families and people in general are more considerate of other's feelings than perhaps your dps mother is.

ravenAK · 22/01/2010 22:12

It does sound like dp is MIL's add-on, resulting from him mentioning to her that he'll be in the vicinity anyway.

So not as if there's a planned guest list, & dp is included but his dw & dc not!

I would not stress over it; send nice flowers with love from you & the dc & don't worry about it.

ImSoNotTelling · 22/01/2010 23:47

Juat got in.

No I don;t think this would bother me. I suppose we all get on quite well in both families and are fairly relaxed. It simply sounds as if DPs mum has realised he will be nearby and said oh come along.

I honestly wouldn't worry about being snubbed or anyhting in that situation.

It does all depend on teh relationships. If you generally get on with them well and are invited etc then I really wouldn't dwell on this.

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