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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to go out tonight?

16 replies

happymatleave · 22/01/2010 12:14

DS2 is nearly eight months old. Due to circumstances, parents ill, DP's parents not local, dp working long hours, we haven't ever had babysitters and DS2 has only ever been looked after by me. I've been with him pretty much 24/7 since he was born and he is understandably getting rather clingy.

We have got ourselves into a situation where he is so used to being with me that he crys for DP all the time and DP is scared to be left alone with him. He says he doesn't know how to comfort him and stop him from crying.

I have been invited out for a meal with some friends tonight and have accepted but now I'm having second thoughts. I know that I need to be able to leave DS, especially with his dad but I won't enjoy the meal anyway as I will be worrying and I'm not really bothered about going. DP says I should go but I know he is worried about it too.

Do I go or not?

OP posts:
Angeliz · 22/01/2010 12:16

Go, he might suprize you and be fine and you'll have a spring in your step tomorrow.
It's not like you're leaving him with a stranger, go go go

fillybuster · 22/01/2010 12:19

YANBU for wanting to go out (and probably should - isn't your 8mo mostly asleep in the evening anyway?), but you need to deal with the root cause of some of these issues.

If your dp is unconfident because of a lack of time/exposure to ds, the best thing you can do is to encourage him to spend more time with him (when possible) and try not to step in and take over the moment you think dp is doing something 'wrong'. I suspect that, even if you don't realise it, you are knocking his confidence (by sub-vocally, or vocally, criticising his parenting technique whenever it differs from yours) as much as ds is by rejecting him.

If you don't go out tonight you will be making it clear that you don't think dp can cope with your ds...that isn't going to help matters in the long term. Whats the worst that can happen? If ds cries, dp could always sit up and watch some ITNG or play, even if he should be asleep, and he'll get some quality daddy-time. Or he might cry and dp might manage to settle him. Maybe at some level you're worried dp might cope fine wuithout you?

fillybuster · 22/01/2010 12:20

PS Sorry if I sounded harsh in my last post...wasn't intended to be so critical!

Knickers0nMaHead · 22/01/2010 12:21

I would go out.

DS was like this when I got invited out, and my then dp looked after him and dd.

But I kept getting phone calls all night so it may be a good idea to turn your phone off

Original poster
happymatleave · 22/01/2010 12:23

fillybuster, I do take over when he crys, no I don't vocally criticise DP as he is a great dad but I automatically step in and take DS and then he stops crying. It is lack of time and exposure and then we have made it worse because I take over and DP openly says he wants me to.

OP posts:
Original poster
happymatleave · 22/01/2010 12:25

No he isn't asleep by then. The meal is at 7.30 and he doesn't usually go to bed until about 9ish. We also have three other children so DP will have them to put to bed as well as looking after DS2.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 22/01/2010 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Angeliz · 22/01/2010 12:31

and it's Friday, no school tomorrow

Original poster
happymatleave · 22/01/2010 12:34

Thanks, I know I should go. Just needed a bit of re-assurance.

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 22/01/2010 12:36

I think it's essential you go out, in fact I would make it a regular thing, weekly or by weekly maybe?

When dd2 was a baby dh had no choice but to be left with both dd's while I worked evenings and weekends for a while and it did us all the world of good, it readdressed the balance of household chores (I did the majority whilst on mat leave and then dd2 had come along and it was expected I still do the majority and then I had gone back to work and was still trying to do it all then I had to work more hours so dh had to learn to cope and do more housework), he also learnt to be a more confident dad and our dd's learnt that sometimes daddy is in charge.

There was a time when he would ring me asking where things were/ how to do things and I would explain over the phone, I didn't mind him asking as long as he wasn't ringing to say come home I can't manage

nappyaddict · 22/01/2010 12:58

Go!

fillybuster · 22/01/2010 14:59

OP, if your dp can manage the other 3 successfully, he'll be fine with ds2, even if he and ds2 don't know it yet Sounds like they need some extra time to get to know each other better anyway, and ds2 may even behave a bit better if you're not around and show no sign of appearing at any moment ...maybe! Go, try to enjoy yourself and try (even harder) to leave dp in charge of ds2 regularly so that this stops being a problem in the long term.

verytellytubby · 22/01/2010 15:01

Go! He's his father for gods sake. He can cope for one night.

WidowWadman · 22/01/2010 15:11

Go! It'll be alright. My husband finds settling the daughter much easier when I'm not around, as she then just simply can't demand me/

Original poster
happymatleave · 22/01/2010 16:34

I'm going to go. Just had a stressful afternoon, stuck in traffic for two hours and late picking kids up from school. I phoned to let them know and the receptionist was really off with me, it's never happened before and I was only ten minutes late.

Ready for a glass of wine and a night off. Thanks for all the replies.

OP posts:
Angeliz · 22/01/2010 20:13

Have a lovely time

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