to get sterilised without my partners support

[addictedtolatte]

i had my ds 20 months ago and had a traumatic birth with numerous infections afterwards. i ended up with PND and post traumatic stress disorder. 20 months on and i thought i got over it but i had to attend the hospital were it all happened today for other gyno reasons. it all come flooding back and i have only just managed to stop shaking. i have spoke to my partner tonight about my wish to be sterilised as i want to put everything behind me now and get on with my life. i dont want anymore visits to gyno hospitals. my partner is against the idea as he wants more children. would i be considered selfish if i went ahead anyway without his support

How old are you OP? Is there any chance you might change your mind when you get older doyou think?

There are other very reliable long-term contraceptives available (for example the Mirena coil or contraceptive implants) which would be less drastic.

Also, how set on more children is your DP? I think you should definitely sort out that issue before you think about irreversible contraception, especially if you're young.

Have you had any kind of therapeutic support after the birth of your ds?

Sterilization is a very big (and very permanent) step without having first dealt with the issue that is the cause of your reason to want to sterilize IYSWIM

YABU

I am sorry you have had an awful time but you cannot do that

I know 'tis your body and all that but to just go ahead regardless is wrong, and tbh, may be the end of your relationship...are you prepared for that ?

if you really are prepared for that, then do what you will

20 months is not very long to get over someting like that, and your P may only want you to wait longer to really be sure this is what you want

this is what you want now of that you are sure

who knows what the future holds

can you not just leave it a couple of years and use very reliable contraception in the meantime

if you feel the same then...go for it

yes, actually, i think to ameka kife changing decision such as no more children ever ( biologically) when your life partner is totally against it, is selfish

regardless of whether you ultimately do get sterilised, you need to sort out what happened in the birth and work through the trauma
i think that is more valuable in terms of moving on, than something as radical as sterilisation

which will involve seeing a gynae and being on a gynae ward.

I think you need help to come to terms with the trauma. Sterilisation is not the answer to your problems it seems.

Some good suggestions for reliable birth control have already been made.

You could speak to the birth aftercare service in the hospital where you gave birth and go to your GP for counselling. You may have (some symptoms of) PTSD.

how badly worded is that - I mean sterilisation looks like the solution to all your problems but it is not

*make a life changing decision

awful typos there, apologies

you could start by contacting teh birth trauma association, shelia kitzinger;s birth crisis and the hospital where you delivered for a debrief and to go thorugh your notes

fwiw, i am not unsympathetic, i had a traumatic first birth, with my ds, and have a year gap between DCs as i had horrific PND triggered by the birth, but i did get through it and move forward and have a 2nd child

YABU but your reasons aren't.

You have to talk to him. How would you feel if you wanted more kids and had the snip without your support?

I am sorry you have had a tough time but you really can't do such a huge thing without talking it over with your partner first.

I had an awful first birthing experience and then suffered with life shattering PND. I never ever thought I would have children again.

My dd is now 8 and I would love to have another.

You don't sound like an unreasonable person but you may be acting unreasonably.

Good luck.

there is five years between my children

for a very good reason

but I am extremely glad I didn't go with my first instincts and make sure I could never have a second one

ive read all your posts and realise IABU. am 38 and have pcos so cant wait too long if i do agree to have more. i cant take pill it makes me have mood swings. i will speak to my partner another day when am feeling a bit calmer. i am probably just feeling scared after being in the hospital today. i have had therapy but was discharged 2 months ago as i felt i was feeling well enough.

I really sympathise with your reasons for wanting to get sterilized, having had a traumatic first birth, PND and symptoms of PTSD too. And no-one should underestimate how strongly you want to avoid ever having to go through all that again.

However, I do think that sterilization at this time is a drastic thing to do and will not deal with the underlying issues you have. You will probably feel terrible if you have to go to a hospital for anything at all, even to visit someone, for months or years yet, amongst other issues.

But there is help; my hospital midwives run a service to talk through what happened at a traumatic birth as much as you need and walk you round the unit if you want to. I had feelings of panic when I first went back and cried and cried, but after a couple of visits felt a bit better.

I did go on to have another child, was s**t scared, but the specialist midwives supported me fantastically to a very different birth.

So I would just say, take it easy and don't do anything too major just yet.

[hug]

an appt at the same place is bound to send you into a tailspin, love

give it a few days and speak to P

be kind to yourself, you don't have to do anything you don't want to

but sterilization is too final

for now, anyway

could you just give the therapist a ring for a chat ?

Also, just because you are sterilized does not mean you will never have to see a gyno or go to that hospital again. You will still need pap smears and things.

op - i also had a terrible birth on ds, pfb
i almost died during the birth & had a major fear of getting pregnant again afterwards , but when ds started school i started to get broody for another child , my pregnancy on dd was so much better , & i had a planned c section , 20 months is not very long at all to recover from what happened to you , it took me six years to feel up to having another child . plus it was my experience on my second pregnancy that i was really looked after by the doctors as they knew all about what had happened during ds's birth . i think you should give yourself more time before you get sterilised as you might change your mind in a few years time .

Addicted I don't think you are being selfish I think you are extremely traumatised and scared and having been there myself I completely understand. I have two beautiful DCs but if I had the second one first there would be no DS2. However, you must express your fears properly to your dh, perhaps he needs to attend counselling with you. If you do want children but are scared of the birth then talk to your dr about elective cesareans, not perfect but maybe the solution if you both want a bigger family.

I hope you feel stronger soon.

Will you have to have any more visits to the gynae hospital for this other matter? Or was today 'it'?

If this were me I would set a date for myself before which I would make no major decisions. Make it as long away as you can bear - 6 months, a year, 5 years, whatever. And then sit down with your partner and discuss how it feels then.

I am the mother of a single child by the way so I'm not at all an advocate for 'you must have another'....but I think this is not you making a free choice about the size of your family but about dealing with mental health issues, which is what post traumatic stress is.....certainly I would make no moves personally until I'd had counselling - have you had this? There is good counselling out there for post traumatic stress....

you have clearly been through alot so I don't blame you feeling the way you are. Hope you're enjoying your boy, anyway

YABU if you haven't at least considered the copper coil.

Wouldn't recommend a Mirena coil if you've had issues with the pill before.

YANBU - it's your life, your body. You don't owe anyone anything, particularly not putting yourself through another traumatic birth.

BUT you need not do so. I had a traumatic birth with my first child. I nearly died, was in agony and wanted to die, and caught an infection in the delivery room to boot. My second was born by elective caesarian section, as pain-free, controlled and calm an experience as anyone could possibly wish for and one that I'd recommend to anyone.

It's just my opinion as I feel that a woman's choice to be sterilised should be entirely her own but I also know that there is an alternative to a horrific birth.
Whichever you choose, good luck.

cirrhosis i have to have follow up appointments at the hospital but i am going to speak to gp about changing hospitals. she did suggest this in the first place but i thought i could cope going back to the original one. i am on the waiting list for cognative analytic therarpy to help me cope with the PTSD. thanks for your good advice and i am going to wait a while before i make any decisions.

tabouleh what is a coil? stupid question for a 38 year old to ask but i genuinly dont know about contraceptives other than the pill.

vallhala thankyou for your kind post i wish my partner was as understanding. sorry you had to go through what you did and glad your second was a better experience.

I think YABU.

If your DH did the same, can you imagine how you would have felt before the birth?

Go to your GP, and see if there is anyone you can speak to about the PTSD. TBH, I don't think your GP would refer you to a sterilisation anyway.

Addicted, the birth of my second child was, as I said, a breeze. Mother Nature got her revenge upon me though... whereas my first was a textbook perfect baby my second child is an absolute bloody nightmare, despite her smooth entry into the world!

After my first was born, I never thought I would ever want to go through pregnancy, and birth again. His birth was horrendous, and very traumatic. My husband said afterwords he thought he was in a slasher movie directed by Quentin Tarrantino.
My second son was born when my first son was 3 years and 3 months old. The second birth was so quick and easy, I did not even have painrelief! Howver, I had pretty bad spd, and pnd, and was quite happy to conclude that our family was complete. No more pregnancies, no more births.

However, now, when ds1 is 7 and ds2 is 4, I find myself wondering about nr 3.

You are still young, the traumatic birth is still very fresh on your mind. Rather than having major surgery, which may NOT be the solution you are hoping for, you need to work through your emotion. Have you seen a therapist? If not, see if you can get some councelling, but whatever you do, TALK about your birth experience as much and often as you like. Share it, write it down. Post about it here. And rather than surgery, go get yourself a coil, or find another method of birth control which is not so permanent.

Good luck addicted - hope the counselling is useful. My SIL had PTSD counselling after the birth of her dd and found it useful. She did go on to have another