When exH comes round....

[turtle23]

(I really do need to know, by the way.)

I have two DS aged 21 months and 9 weeks. We split for good a few weeks before DS2 was born and he has said he will do what he can to help me.

When he comes round to see the boys and to give me a hand I make the fatal mistake of asking him to play with DS1. ExH wants tojust "be" here, usually playing on his laptop or phone which he always brings.

In my eyes I think if the boys only see their dad a couple of times a week he should devote that time to them rather than see what's happening on the web. Also, I think as he has offered to help me (as DS2 is still v tiny and I dont sleep) that when I ask him to do things (eg take a box to the loft) that I shouldn't be met with "All you do is order me around." I do ask nicely.

I know that he has the right to parent his way. It just breaks my heart that when Daddy walks in the door DS1 runs to get train track/ball/whatever and is usually ignored after mins. I want to tell him not to bother coming but it isn't my place to say that.

And before you ask...yes the two were very much wanted by both (apparently) but he changed his mind as soon as we got pg with DS2. Family life was too "dull" for him.

He either comes to fulfil his contact as in actually conversing / being with the kids, or he doesn't

the kids don't need "daddy" appearing to only ignore them - that will hurt and confuse them

so either he bucks his ideas up, or he doesn't come round - he can't appear and just sit there on his computer or whatever. It's not fair to the kids - and it is your place to say so

you sure you two are split for good?

because if you are,then its time for boundaries. he has no rights to just 'be there'.

YANBU, your exH at least owes your DC's a couple of hours attention a week, not much to ask for is it? But you can't force someone to step up and be a parent and IME the more your ex sees it bothering you the more he will carry on.

I personally wouldn't have asked exh to do anything for me(such as taking the box in the loft). I know it's early days but IME it's best to establish ground rules early on, the family home is now where you and your DC's live, not your ex and therefore he has no business poppping things in the loft/setting up his laptop etc.

Is there any reason why he can't have your DS1 outside of the family home? So that he HAS to give him attention and also as a step towards creating boundaries (as in, it's your home and he is a visitor)

YANBU. I sometimes feel the same with DH that as he works away during the week he should want to play more with DS at the weekends but he wants 'to relax' and do his own things which I think is really sad.

I think you should talk with your EX and tell him that HIS children will not be little for long and you don't want him to miss out. Maybe he needs to take them out on his own so he has to do everything. Sitting round your house allows him to sit back and have you do the work while he is technically 'seeing' them. Actually doing things with them needs him to be off on his own I think. Probs not with both yet put as least take DS1 out for a few hours for what you can phrase as 'special male bonding time'.

Why don't you ask him to take DS1 to swimming or soft play? HTH

That's not being a dad, that's being a father. Anybody can just turn up, be male and sit in a room - just like anyone with working sperm can be a father. A dad is somebody who takes a bloody interest in his children, who plays with them, who builds them up when they need it, who shows them right from wrong and many, many other things. He isn't being a dad, YANBU.

WouldKickHisSorryArseIfItWasMeYMMVTiggaxx

Yanbu - you do need to set boundaries and agreed expectations for you and the children with the ex.

Are you able to arrange it so he has DS1 at his place or take him out of your home environment for a couple of hours once a week?

As ILT asked is the relationship definitely over?

Good luck

Unless he considers his access visits to be to the house and the sofa rather than to his children then he is being completely unreasonable.

Is defo over. We are trying to sort living arrangements so I can go somewhere bigger. Every time I try to make "rules" he says it is his house (technicality) and he will do as he pleases. Is difficult as I dont want to deprive boys of their father but he is such a c*%£ that I just want to run away.
Usually I wouldn't ask him to do anything. Had actually stopped asking once DS2 was 6 weeks but then we all got hit by the plague and it's been REALLY tough. Have not slept for weeks...DS2 was in hospital, DS1 on ANOTHER course of Abs...you get the idea.

He was taking DS1 swimming, etc. He hasn't been well enough to go out for weeks.

i sympathisize totally ... my boy's dad walked out (no warning) when he was 6 weeks old ... and i live abroad with all my family still in UK! he came around and was very much at home and made out i was unreasonable when i asked that he didnt spend so much time on his phone when he was supposed to be with our boy. eventually, he started taking him for a few hours on a weekend (as much to give me a break as to bond with son) but always on his terms (when it suited him!). your eldest needs to have some daddy time so encourage him to take him to the park or ball park or library or SOMEWHERE so taht he feels NUMBER 1 for a while (to avoid feeling put out after number 2's arrival). this is so important to little ones! no matter how much i wanted to throttle ex, i tried to be calm and polite for son's benefit. now (boy is 3) he spends every other weekend with his dad. it needs to be taken slowly but MAKE HIM FACE UP TO HIS RESPONSIBILITY AS A DAD ASAP! and stick to your guns! good luck!