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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not inviting friend's son to DS party?

25 replies

lechatnoir · 19/01/2010 17:18

...they attend school together and they certainly tolerate each other when we meet up at soft play etc, but DS insists that not only are they NOT friends, but he's actually pretty mean to him (& playground gossip suggest this isn't exclusive to my son) and DS is adamant he doesn't want him at his party.

So, am I being unreasonable to not invite friend's son on the word of a 4 year old or, for the sake of our friendship, should I invite him anyway & just hope DS doesn't protest too loudly on the day? We (me & other mum) meet quite regularly so it's pretty awkward not saying anything as before too long she's bound to hear about it.

So, AIBU?
LCN

OP posts:

alarkaspree · 19/01/2010 17:21

Depends on the size of the party. If it's a small party for your ds's 3 closest friends, then you don't need to invite him. If you're having 20 kids then it will be very awkward if you don't invite him, and your ds won't actually care on the day anyway - not-friend boy will blend into the crowd.

Pannacotta · 19/01/2010 17:24

I would invite him, esp if its a fairly large party.
Its fine to overrule a 4 yr old IMO and will make life easier for you and your friend, she woudl probably feel quite upset if she knew her son was excluded.

MrsMattie · 19/01/2010 17:24

How good a friend is she? Personally, I invite the children of my good friends to my young DCs birthday parties because it's polite and kind to do so.

Playgroup gossip sounds pretty nasty.

If her child's behaviour is bad there are better ways to let her know that to not invite her.

MrsVidic · 19/01/2010 17:25

why not speak about the problem to your friend? I'm sure she isn't blind to their relationship?

SarahMumtoAlex · 19/01/2010 17:31

If its a large party invite him, that way you'll get to see the interaction for yourself. If you've already seen it (as opposed to hear about it through gossip) then I'd speak about it with your friend (not in the context of an invitation) but more generally. Children change so much around this age. We have a friend who's DS went through a phase of biting. It was very uncomofrtable and my DS said he didn't want to play with him. But he got through it and now is one of my DS's favourite friends. SO be careful not to break up a standing friendship over it.

Original poster

lechatnoir · 19/01/2010 17:38

she's not a best friend (we only met through school in september) but we get on well & I certainly wouldn't want to hurt her feelings or fall out which I suspect will happen if I say nothing & don't invite her son as it is a sizable party. You're all right - sod 4th year old fickle son & save friendship :grin:
LCN

eta playground gossip is a poor choice of words - more me ear wigging a group of mums

OP posts:

Chandon · 19/01/2010 17:45

I would invite him.

verytellytubby · 19/01/2010 17:48

I would definitely invite him.

Pancakeflipper · 19/01/2010 17:48

If it's a largish party I agree with the others - invite him. He'll probably play with other kids and your DS won't see him. And you'll be there to monitor most of the behaviour. Or he might even be on best behaviour.

I am not one for inviting for the sake of inviting but if his mum is a good mate of yours then you are going to have to explain why he's not invited otherwise she could think it's her you've got an issue with.

piscesmoon · 19/01/2010 17:49

I would just go with the ones that he wants to invite. It is a fact of life that your friend's DCs are not necessarily going to be the friends of your DCs. You can keep forcing trying while they are little but you have to accept it eventually and see the friend without DCs. Would you want someone you don't like at your party because she was your DCs best friend's mother? I have a very close friend with a DS only 2 weeks in age difference -they hated each other at 3 yrs and it never improved! We kept trying until they were about 6 yrs and then got together alone.

compo · 19/01/2010 17:52

Who the kids want is more important than adults being offended IMO

Morloth · 19/01/2010 18:00

I have had to tell DS to suck up having to invite the DD of a friend. He doesn't like her (I can see why, she is a PITA to be honest). She is also in his class and as there are only 9 of them I really can't see excluding her.

juicy12 · 19/01/2010 18:05

I wouldn't invite if your DS really doesn't want to. My DS gave a list of invitees for his 4th b'day and specifically said that he didn't want one boy to come. Said boy has a history of lashing out with zero input from mum or dad. I would have felt that I was giving the message to my DS that his feelings weren't as important as a potentially awkward conversation with the boy's mum, who is a friend of mine and I wouldn't feel happy with doing that.

OprahWinfrey · 19/01/2010 18:12

Interesting situation.

bubblagirl · 19/01/2010 18:23

i would invite, my ds falls out and makes up with children all the time were having large party and several children are going that will be tolerated

the only child that is going is a boy that gets really mean by pushing and hitting i dont want ds to have to put up with that on his b day

and some peoples perception of mean is different is he just bossy and boisterous or purposely mean hitting etc if not hitting he may just be one of the more boisterous children many of them in ds class and there coming to the party

bubblagirl · 19/01/2010 18:23

i meant isnt going not is

thisisyesterday · 19/01/2010 18:29

i wouldn;t invite him.

it's your sons party, not a networking event for mums

why on earth would you make him have someone there who he doesn't like and who might even be mean to him??

piscesmoon · 19/01/2010 19:00

I didn't get the impression they were falling out and making up-I thought they just never got on, which is quite different.
I have always just let DSs choose-I don't see why my friendships should come into it.

LouMacca · 19/01/2010 19:02

totally agree thisisyesterday.

Your DS is adamant that he doesn't want this boy at his party so why on earth would you invite him?

bubblagirl · 19/01/2010 19:03

then why meet up at soft play centres together if not friends they clearly cause no cause for concern when there so would probably seem quite mean not to invite him to party if taken time to meet at soft play centres

BendyBob · 19/01/2010 19:11

Hmm well I'm really thinking you have to respect his wishes if he's adamant about it. It'll only come up again and again over the years ahead.

But... as it's a big party and he'd be the only one left out - that'd be mean I suppose, so yes he'll have to come. But I do think at some point children have to address the fact that being mean to your friends has repercussions.

piscesmoon · 19/01/2010 19:11

I think that the fact they meet up at soft play is for the adults benefit. I tried with my friend because it was so convenient to have 2 DSs, 2 weeks apart and you keep hoping it is going to work. You don't need to invite to a party because it is for the DCs and nothing to do with the adults.

Original poster

lechatnoir · 19/01/2010 19:29

yes piscesmoon you're right - we have 5 DS between us so soft play is the perfect place to let the kids enjoy themselves whilst we can chat and my DS and friends DS in question don't play with each other but are quite happy doing their own thing/playing with siblings.

TBH, friend's son is nightmare and IMO she let's them get away with murder but it's always been OK when we're all together as she doesn't seem to mind me telling him off/pulling him off if he starts to get heavy handed with either of my boys. I just don't think she will even know there's a problem and I'm pretty sure she thinks the boys are friends and I don't want to be the one to tell her otherwise - I don't know her well enough and don't think it's my place

I'm totally undecided again! Might try the 'oooh X and his mummy have said they can come to your party isn't that great' approach and see what response I get.
LCN

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 19/01/2010 19:38

If it is a big party I would have him-they can avoid each other, but if it is small I wouldn't.

ProfessorPoopyPants · 19/01/2010 19:43

I agree with everyone here, you should definitely invite him. Otherwise she'll be miffed with you and you risk losing a friendship. Kids of 4 chop and change who they like/don't like all the time, it is not worth falling out with her over this. As long as it's a fairly big party, he will just blend in with all the others.

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