to have not gone to my sisters whole hen weekend?

[Undercovamutha]

My Dsis and BIL got married this summer. My DSis is a very outgoing, friendly person who is usually takes the lead in arranging family gatherings, surprises etc. When I got married my DSis (who was single and in her early 20s) was my bridesmaid. She organised the hen do, and helped a lot with the wedding. She was super enthusiastic and keen.

When my Dsis got married, my DS was only 4mo. He was only 3mo at the time of my DSis's hen weekend. My Dsis had my DD as her only bridesmaid.

In true DSis style, the hen weekend was an epic affair, involving a theatre trip and a whole weekend of spa treatments.

The show was in a city about 50 miles away. I arranged to pick a few (older) members of the family up on the way, and meet my DM so that DSis wouldn't have to worry about entertaining them. When I finally met up with DSis she virtually ignored me, said I might as well walk with the older women over to the theatre (from the bar) and meet her later! Anyway we had a good night and I dropped all the older ones off home whilst my DSis went partying.

In order to spend this 6 hours away from DS I had had to express a load of bm and feel like Pamela Anderson for most of the show!

I didn't go on the spa weekend as there was no way I could have left DS (bf obviously) for 2 days/overnight. And even if I had expressed, I wasn't exactly going to have fun at a spa with my boobs leaking everywhere.

Anyway, I thought DSis and BIL were fine about this. However, recently BIL made a snide comment about how I hadn't been bothered to go to my DSis's hen weekend. I was shocked at their lack of understanding. They haven't got DCs but still! What made it worse was that DSis said nothing to defend me and looked like she was in agreement.

I have been stewing on this for ages now. I can't believe that my DSis and BIL have been slagging me off when I had a tiny bf baby to look after. It sticks in the back of my mind whenever I see BIL and I just can't let it go. I would have been furious if DH had made a comment like that to my family.

AIBU to be upset, or is BIL right in thinking that I am not a very good sister?

Sorry its long!

YANBU. Clearly they don't have children.

I left DS1 when he was 10 weeks to go to a good friend's hen do. He was formula fed though, so no issues with DH having him by himself overnight.

I missed a lot of the do, arrived the Saturday afternoon, went out Saturday night, got back to where we were staying at about 4am, then because I was missing DS1 so much I got up again at 6am and drove home!

YANBU.

YANBU, I even had a friend who had bf her dd not understand why I didn't think i could go out for the day wihtout my dd when i was bf'ing.

YANBU - just wait until she has a baby that she is breastfeeding....

I think you went over and above the call of duty as it was.

You're definitely nbu. It's very sad that they feel this way.
Just wait until they have children, they will then understand how unreasonable they are being

YANBU. She has no idea of the complications involved. If you can, just sit back and wait benignly.

I've still never quite managed to forgive my sister for having banned children from the meal at her wedding, at my mother's house, in France, when most of the guests and come from the UK, and leaving me (with 3 children aged 8, 6 and 4) and our cousins (two children aged 4 and 2) high and dry for childcare whilst allowing her husband's kids to be there. I just can't see why just because I've done things first that I should be more mature about them. She was being a total bitch. But actually I have ended up being mature about it because the only people who suffer are the children otherwise.

YANBU but you need to speak to you sister and explain. I expect she just has no idea.

YANBU

she clearly doesn't understand properly or take it it in at the time when she was foccusing on her wedding

but can you ring / see/ write to her and tell her you are "stewing" over bils remark nicely without it descending into a slanging match and explain your reasons( show her this thread??).

bil doesn't and probably won't ever understand until he see your sis go through the same.

Some folk don't get the bf/ leaving baby with babysitter thing. Had to explain nicely to a friend recently that I'd have to turn down her offer for her mil ( I have never met her) to baby sit both our LO's whilst we went out for a meal.

My sil wouldn't even come to my hen weekend (quiet meal one night - option to go out next night on the town) without any explanation or apology. She was a bridesmaid and told chief bridesmaid organiser "she'd see" I just shrugged it off but was a little hurt so YANBU.

Just tell her you're sorry if she was disappointed that you couldn't make the whole thing, but when she has a baby of her own she will understand.

Problem is pjmama, its not so simple as saying sorry now. I did say 'sorry I won't be able to come to the whole thing cos of the baby' at the time.

What I can't get over now is the fact that BIL was rude enough to make such a snide remark, and that obviously DSis and him think I am a real bitch. There are loads of things that both my DSis and BIL have done that I could have made a snide remark about (they can both be very self-centred) but I never would for the sake of family harmony.

YANBU to be upset. She'll never understand until she has her own children - I'd let it go if I were you.

YANBU at all. How rude of your BIL. When they have kids they will suddenly understand and I bet they'll feel very bad about what they've said - though you probably won't get an apology, in my experience sisters never really own up to doing things wrong.

I had a similar-ish experience where I was asked to organise a hen do for a friend (who's not really a very close friend) and she insisted on having it in another city, for a whole weekend. The last thing I wanted to do was fork out the £££, leave my dd (for the first time ever when she was 5 months) and spend it with a bunch of people I didn't know. Others called off because they had small kids, but it was made clear that that option wasn't open to me. Anyway, after a loooong and drunken night I found myself in tears the next morning at every baby I saw out and about. She looked at me like I was mad, and ruining her weekend, and yes it was hormonal but people just don't get it when they don't have kids

YANBU to feel the way you do but in my opinion weddings and newborns are both emotive times and rational thinking tends to go a little out of the window!

A good friend of mine turned down an invitation to my wedding because it meant a weekend away without her breastfed baby and at the time (27-year-old, no kids and no experience of babies either!) I thought it was strange and unreasonable!

Having now had children and breastfed them both (including taking a four-week-old to a friend's wedding and missing most of the things that made it a wedding rather than a party because of feeding etc) I now know how unreasonable and unthinking I had been.

Similarly I remember thinking 'I can't be expected to do that... I've got a newborn' when DS1 came along and yet DS2 was touted all over the place in the first few months of his life!

Your sister will come round when she's a breastfeeding new mum herself but if you can't wait til then, could you seek your mum's advice and see what she makes of the situation?

My mum thinks they are out of order (but then she thinks big weddings are a waste of money and pointless, and has no concept of why people make such a fuss of hen do's anyway). However she wouldn't say anything to my sister I don't think, although she has been a bit pissed off with my BILs 'straight talking' in the past!

YANBU at all! My friend is having a hen do roughly a month after my baby is due. No definite plans have actually been made so far so I haven't had to face it head on yet. But I just can't imagine what life will be like a month after a new baby and really don't want to committ to anything. Trouble is, she's coming back from the States especially for it (that's where they now live and where the wedding will be - which we're NOT going to) so I feel I should go along to at least some part of it. But with a BFing baby??? Who knows???

You should bide your time and, as and when they have a baby, make a joke of the whole thing and remind them of this.

Did you say anything when your BIL made that comment? None of his bloody business if you ask me - she's your sister! If it's getting to you (and god knows, these things can play over and over in your mind, I know) why not ask your sister about it?

YANBU. Things change completely once you have children. I felt really guilty when bil/sil got married as they were planning on having a spa day for the bride and activity day for the men followed by a joint evening do at a flash restaurant in London. The whole day would have set us back hundreds of pounds that we didn't have and we didn't have anyone to leave ds with. Dh said that he would go as bil is his brother but they were very upset as they wanted both of us to be there. Eventually it was cancelled as the majority of their friends had children and either couldn't afford to go or had childcare issues.

thedollshouse, I must say I think it's rather selfish when people have such expensive celebrations! Why should friends and family be expected to pay quite so much to spend time with the bride- or groom-to-be?

Mind you no one has ever invited me to a whole-weekend thing, I think most of my friends got married before such things had been invented...

Two4One - hope the hen-do goes okay for you. I guess the lesson is to apologise for having had a baby and therefore ruining everything for everyone else .