Are most relationship problems caused by one or both people trying to control the other?

[AgentZigzag]

I had one or two mostly longterm boyfriends before I married DH ten years ago. One thing I noticed about these unsucessful relationships, and others I see around me, is that most friction is caused by one or both people trying to change and control the others 'core' personality.

My DH drinks a fair amount of beer and does the bare minimum around the house which in the past would have annoyed the fk out of me, but because I've learned to accept these things as a part of him, we actually get on and like as well as love each other.

I'm not saying that it's possible for everyone to gel with their OH all the time, or talking about problems like DV, but if you don't accept how the other person is surely it's going to cause shit whenever you're together?

Is it just something that comes with age in that you just can't be arsed with all the small shit hassles anymore? Or do you just 'fit together' with some people better than others?

I think you're right that when you get older you realise that there's no point trying to change someone's core personality. Also, perhaps as we get older we understand our own tolerance levels better and so can rein ourselves in?

I agree. DH and I used to fight like cat and dog for the first 5 years but eventually just rubbed the sharp corners of each other and get along nicely now most of the time, even though we both have faults (well, he does! ) that others might find v irritating, eg he doesn't have to lift a finger around the house but I only work 18 hours a week and ds is nearly grown up so what might otherwise have been grounds for divorce is totally fine now.

No no no. All of the problems in my relationship are caused by DH not doing as he is told.

LOL!

OK, huge generalisations coming up, and I do agree with you OP to some extent, BUT - IME men are very keen to believe that being a lazy slob constitutes their 'core personality'!! I also firmly believe that 'don't nag me' is a euphemism for 'please allow me to behave like a lazy slob'.