WIBU to have children?

[petitmaman]

This is more a was i being unreasonable than an am I.
This is a thread (sort of) about the 60 year old IVF woman. A lot of people are asying she should not have a baby as she may die before child is an adult (which I actually agree with but then I am being a hypocrite).
I have a terminal illness that I have always had that mean I could well die within the next 10 years. I have two young children. The first one was a lovely accident (never intended to have children due to the illness but always wanted one). Had baby as no way could I have a termination. Checked with my (young and wonderful) parents that they would help dh when/if anything happened to me. I went on to have a 2nd child as
a. I wanted one.
b. If anything does happen to me I like the thought that they will be together rather than poor dc 1 going through it by themself.
I could stay well for the next 20 years though realistically this is not going to happen. I could be ill enough to need a heart and lung tranplant within the next 2 years. When I do need one the chances of me getting and recovering from one ( as with everyone) are roughly 50%. So there is probably a less than 50% chance of me seeing them to adulthood.
Before I get totally flamed obviously when I think about this it is unbearable and I do everything I can to make sure this won't happen. But the choice I had in reality was DC1 possibly loses me early on or she is not born at all. But in reality I am not that different to the IVF woman . and genuinely wonder what you all think. (gently please) Hope this makes sense.

I will be astonished if anyone flames you for this, petitmaman. I wish you and your family all the love in the world.

My mum had two knowing she would die young. She died when I was 17 and my sister was 14, We coped with her dying BUT her illness meant she struggled to cope and we ended up having to help alot with care etc as she couldnt go out, cook, clean basic things. I think the quality of life you have is more important than the length of it.If you can and will be able to in the future care for children then YANBU if you cant then I personally wouldnt have any more children.

thank you Lio. we are ok and i am better now than ever. (motivation of children) I am not looking for sympathy but genuinely wonder what the difference is if there is one? Is it just that my dcs were concieved naturally? or ( in all honesty on an anonomous board) do people think that I sould not have had them?

I don't think you've been unreasonable or selfish. You've said yourself that your first was a happy accident and having a second actually does make more sense than just having one given your circumstnaces. I think, actually, you've been very brave.

Let's be really honest about this - any one of us could be killed tomorrow and leave our DCs without a parent. I had a bad car accident (fine apart from cracked ribs) on Friday. I'm not going to stop driving because of what could have happened.

You sound lovely. I bet you're a wonderful mum. Surely that's the important thing?

There is a pragmatic difference that your DH is (presumably) quite young and your own parents are still quite young and active.

I think YANBU.

am not having anymore btw. Am not mad!

None of us can guarantee we'll be there tomorrow - and life has dealt you a very rough hand already - it would be someone very mean who thought it was u for you to miss out on the very best thing that can happen to you in life. Good luck.

Actually I think your situation is very different to that of the 60yr old woman having ivf for many reasons.

I'm so sorry you have this hanging over you. I hope you stay well for many years yet.

I too think your situation is very different to that of the 60 year old woman.

None of us know what's in store for us, any one of us could die tomorrow and leave behind our beautiful children, doesn't mean for one second we shouldn't have had them.

Enjoy your time with your DC's, making memories for them that will last their lifetimes. Hope you stay well for many years to come.

I think you've done the best you could under tough circumstances.

Hope you continue to enjoy good health

I also think it's a different scenario - for you to get pregnant as a young fertile woman and choose not to have a termination is just plain different from a woman who is past "normal" childbearing age deliberately having medical treatment to get something she wants.

petitma no one would ever in a million years think this.Hope you are well.

I think the difference is that the 60 yr old needed strong medical intervention to conceive because she was past the natural age of childbearing.

Whilst you may become ill and unable to care for the children there is another parent who will be there for the children. Your children are coming into a loving and stable family who are lucky enough to have strong familial support around.

The woman in the news story was in a completely different position.

Is it CF by the way? My cousin has CF, the transplant scenario is such an uncertain one. I really do wish there was a way of getting more donors on the register.

Wishing you and your family peace and a happy future. x x

Who would flame you for living life to the full? And who of us knows when our time is up. My Dads Mum died when he was a teenager, like most people my Dad and his sister have been through tough times, they have been such a support to one another that I cannot imagine them getting through some of those times without one another.
Good luck. Hope you keep well.

Your situation is so far from a woman having help to conceive a baby at 60. You have young parents and a young dh,.

I wish you a long, happy and healthy future.xxx

Good luck to you and your family. None of us know what is round the corner.

thanks for the lovely replies. itsmeolord yes it is CF. I thought I might have made that a bit obvious

one of my friends and her DH are going through IVF - he has CF and although is well at the moment, it is very uncertain. I think "good luck to them" and you x

YANB at all U. I think that people saying the 60 yr old woman is BU due to not being able to see her children to adulthood is probably actually people's (perfectly understandable) attempt to justify to themselves why they feel it is wrong for her to have children. I think the real reason we think it's wrong (for her) is because it seems unnatural - but that doesn't seem like a very strong or fair reason to criticise her, so then we start to try and think of sensible, logical reasons to explain our own antipathy towards her. If that makes any sense.

Anyway, you are not being unreasonable, and I also wish you many more happy years with them.

Petitmaman, I'm so glad for you that you've had the chance to have children. It would have been totally bonkers to terminate your happy accident and I think it was wiser to have two than one as they can support each other should the worst happen in the far-off future. And besides it is great to have siblings anyway, isn't it?
I lost a very dear friend to CF 20 years ago when she was only 22. She would have loved to have children and I wish she'd had the chance. I can totally imagine her saying "Go for it" to you, which was her motto in life generally!
And these days, the outlook for CF is so very different to what it once was. If you are well enough to conceive, bear two children and cope, you must be in great shape. I wish you and your children all the very best.