to invite only children his own age

[R2G]

Having a party for my DS aged 4. Have paid someone to entertain and feed 10 children.
My friend automatically assumed all 3 of her kids were invited. I explained no sorry just my DS's friend of the same age as it was a paid for in advance group thing no extras.
She accepted and said fine. She has just texted this evening to say she is having her highlights done so her boyfriend will bring their DS and he will have the other kids with him.

It is unfair on the kids as they will want to join in the games (there is only 18 months between them). It is in my house and what am I supposed to do say sit on the side and eat no food. As it is a 'package' I will just have to pay the extra £10 for each of her kids.

She's fucking pissed me off as I feel she should just not accept the invite rather than cause this fuss. She is aware of the position she has put me in.

RAAANT!

AIBU?

I should say I have invited DS's cousins plus this friend and his other friend who were his ante natal group. He is not really close to their DS or their siblings. At this stage now they are all at different pre schools, it is more the mums who have the friendships

text her back to say sorry but the invite doesn't include the younger kids and she will have to make other arrangements for them.

Erm...I think YABU. There's only 18 months between my boys, I'd expect a friend of mine to include them both or neither of them. Different if it's an invite through school/nursery.

Would he be too young to be left at yours without his dad? So his dad could just drop him off.

Chasing Squirrels I know I'm ranting on here but feel really awkward and am a bit meek and shit in real life.
I gave out the invites at our ante natal pub night. She assumed this immediately I think as her DS party is the week after and she put on it, 'all siblings and your husbands also welcome'
She said oh x, y and z will love that. My other friend automatically corrected her and siad I think it is just the children on the invites actually rather than all the siblings. I said yes and explained in detail at the time the limits on space, cost, having an entertainer, and I was sorry not to invite all the little ones but it wouldnt be fair on the lady to expect that she will entertain all these extras, and mixed ages, for free plus it would be unfair for them to have nothing to eat. It's only two hours.

I explained all this and then tonight she still sent me a shitty text about her husband bringing her other DSs as she had booked to get her highlights done. She is just out to prove a point I feel. She put 'hope that's ok'. It already wasn't, I just feel if I right no it's not you were told not and why it will cause so much more of a fuss.

I just resent paying extra to babysit her other kids while she has gone and booked her highlights

I wanted to text
'sorry DS will have to miss out. I really dont think it would be fair on the entertainer/otherkids to make them sit and watch a party they are not allowed to join in with and wouldnt understand why. Sorry I chose a different party style to you and have not been able to extend the invite to everyone. Alternatively, leave DS at teh party there is a very family friendly cafe opposite for your DH and other DS's for a couple of hours'

I know I won't though. Just wondering AIBU, or am I getting worked up about nothing?

I'm kinda on the fence.

YABU in that

18 months is nothing and if she was a friend I would feel abit odd inviting one child and not the other.

Why do the children have to be your sons age only? Did your Ds choose who he wanted there or did you just send invites to who you wanted there?

But YANBU

If your son decided who he wanted there.

Just text her back and say you've just spent a lot of money on the party, can't really afford to pay for 2 more and would she be able to split the cost with you.

YAB a bit U sometimes childcare is not easy to find and the only alternative is the dad to have them, or your friends ds misses out. Cant your friends ds be left at yours on his own, why dont you suggest that to your friend.

Ahh just read the last post.

Then No YANBU. SOunds like she is trying it on, like you said, to prove a point.

On the day it will be chaos and to a certain extent 10 children or 12 children will not have a HUGE impact on your helper or the food intake. It sounds more about your relationship with the friend. I would want to help my friend out when she was having her hair done, especially if she has three very young children, as I know how difficult it can be to make 'me' time. The fact that you resent 'free babysitting' leads me to believe that she is not a good friend to you or that you have other underlying issues with her manner.

Short term - do not waste anymore time and allow children to come; enjoy the day and remember it is only two hours. Long term consider whether you really want to maintain this 'friendship', especially as the children themselves are not close.

With the gap being 18 months, the thing is all the other children being invited also have siblings with a similar age gap.

The children I have invited are my family children plus all of his ante natal group. If I added on all the ante natal group's siblings this would double the party plus turn the party from 8 four year olds and two older ones doing a baking party and party games. Into that plus the same number in 14 months to 2 1/2 year olds who couldn't join in.

It's at my home, it is a fairly large number and his first proper party with kids his own age. He didnt choose the friends but did choose the activity as it is a class he does. It isn't suitable for little ones really but of course they would want to join in.

If I invited her other kids, I would have to invite all the other ante natal's siblings. I didn't want the hassle.

I know the dad will have no idea of all this and think it is perfectly fine to sit them up to eat all the baking and get them joining in. It isn't- even if it was with me it isn't with the child's entertainer. I will just look like an arse either way. Feel really bad being put in this position.

I don't think it is acceptable for someone to bring extra children when you are paying per child.

YANBU

Thanks for your input everyone one of those silly things you lose sleep over.
Marriedtoagoodun-
think you've hit the nail on the head.
I do have a problem with her manner anyway (more towards others than just me)

Also, we are not massively close and the children less so. Used to meet with the kids all the time but with everyone at nursery etc they dont so I barely know her younger ones and the two DS's have closer friends at nursery now etc

For example, she didnt invite us to her husbands 40th, invited half of the ante natal she is closer to. Absolutely no problem with that, but I dont feel any massive inclination to help her out on this occasion (babysat for her many times no problem with helping her or others just not at his first party) or include her whole family. I do want to maintain the whole ante natal friendship thing but with the mums as a group, next year I will be inviting his nursery friends and my family plus a couple of the kids he plays with regularly from the group.

As you say short term just leave them to come and make a nuisance of themselves and put me out of pocket.

Ok ABU I know!
I do want to maintain the

YANBU to feel that the friend is taking the **ss. However, all the other people are not bringing their other children so deal with what is on your plate.

Yep you could explain in more detail why it is not fair to bring other children or you can text and say please do not come. Having dealt with people like this before you will come out of any conversation feeling rubbish and it is already impacting on your potential enjoyment of the day. So YABU to keep brooding... It is your son's special day and you must enjoy it (or at least grit your teeth and get through it...) If it makes you feel any better I had a triple birthday party for my DD and 2 foster daughters in Augsut when they turned 4,5 and 6. Over 70 children and spanned the age range - It was WONDERFUL - although did have a lot of help and hired a large hall.

Sorry that was meant to say at the end I do want to maintain the friendship with all the ante natal mums as a group but feel the children have different lives and have moved on. Next year I will invite just the children he actually sees plus his nursery mates and cousins and just not feel so guilty and het up about it.

Thank you everyone.

PS Married to a good un... WOW!!!

yep and did not get drunk until 7.27 p.m. - never again though

next year let HIM chose who he wants to come Give him a number limit and go with who he wants. I've doen that since ds1 was 4.
Oh - but next year he will be at school.....whole new can of worms

Oh God. See you here this time next year then!

I asked ds2 - who is 4 next week - who he wanted to come to his party, seeing as he insists he is having one.
ds2: umm, you, ummmmm, ds1, ummmmmmmmmmm - grandma & grandad?
So family tea and cake it is!

YANBU

Just had to add my two penneth worth.

I think your "friend" is being a cow actually! You clearly said sorry no siblings and she is trying to just bully you into it. I understand perfectly about how everyone's siblings add up, it's obvious. Sometimes it's ok and sometimes you have to keep the numbers tight.

She is being rude and selfish. She chose when to get her hair done. She can't go round railroading people like that.

Please please text back, just saying simply, I'm sorry but I don't have room for the siblings and they won't be able to come. No explanations, no excuses, no offering to pay half. Just clear and concise and ASSERTIVE and reasonable behaviour on your part. IMO.

If her DS has to lose out it's hardly the end of the world but hopefully if you stand up to her she will sort something out her end. You paying another £20 for kids your son doesn't want is not funny.

I always ask if it's ok if siblings come and if it's not then fine, we sort it out.

Could you reply that the invite is just for DS and that if she insists on sending the other two she will need to pay the extra money?