to consider putting the cash first?

[anotherdumbnamechange]

DH and I are in process of moving back to area in the UK we are familiar with. We both have friends and family there: it is an "easy" move to make. We have two young DC.

Yesterday he was offered the opportunity to work overseas. It is difficult for me to go as (although I wont be sole carer) I have made commitments to an elderly relative (part of the reason for the initial move).

He needs to make a decision quickly (day or two) and I don't know what we should do. We have good friends in the country to which he would be going as we lived there a few years ago. He would get lots of support and the job is an excellent opportunity, career wise.

But I would miss him and he would miss us.

But he will earn a lot more and I am ashamed to admit the money is swaying me

So AIBU to put the money first?

how often would you see him if he were to go and you were to stay?

Not at all. If you think you can make it work then why not? Would he be able to fly back on very regular basis? How would the children cope? You could skype and use webcam and at the end of the day, you have to take a long term view of these things. Sacrifice now to benefit in the long run, give yourselves a better standard of living.

I'd do it if I was in your shoes.

Nothing's carved in stone (as my mother always says...) If he went and you or he were miserable then he could always quit and come back, surely? Worth giving it a go on that basis.

do you mean you should all go and leave your elderly relative or do you mean just your dh should go?

We wouldn't all go - the guilt would be too much re relative but also it would mean up rooting the children for a second period when we all came back if that makes sense. So I can't see that working.

It is unlikely that we would see each other at all for the first 6 months. I reckon I could cope (we're pretty independent) but I would worry about the DC. we would be able to speak/skype most days.

I wouldn't do it, I'm afraid. The money wouldn't be enough for me to sacrifice my DCs relationship with their Dad - or mine for that matter! I've just seen my brother's marriage end in very similar circumstances. I don't imagine anyone starts out something like that unless they think they can make it work - but in reality it doesn't always work.

So I wouldn't do it. But we're all different.

I wouldn't do it if it means that your young dcs wouldn't see him for 6 months.

I think that it is the DC not seeing there dad (and him them) that is the real thorn.

Having said that they don't see him during the working week due to his work (leaves before they get up, back after they are in bed) and often works away for a week or two at a time but when he is home he is a fab dad and he adores them as do they he.

My dad worked away for 4 mths when I was 4 (similar age) and I don't remember it (although I do treasure the wood carving he brought home for me) but is that unusual?

My head is a mess

Not in a million years, I?m afraid.

Does DH want to do it? If not, it?s incredibly unfair on him. Is the money more important to you as a family than being a family?

If you know the country to which he would be moving, would it really be such a hardship for the whole family to go with him? Then you get the best of both worlds?

Mattellie

DH is keen in so far as the move represents a fantastic career opportunity.

It really would be very difficult for us to go as a family due to relative and as I have said it would mean an extra move for the DC (so three schools in just over a year rather than two) so I have to rule it out.

I know what you are saying about being a family but whilst the money isn't life changing it will set us in very good stead (pay off chunk of mortgage, enable some amazing family experiences etc)

It also raises the possibility that after a year DH could work a lot less when he comes back.

Hell I don't know!

Need to make a decision in next 48 hours.

Well if you think you can all cope do it. 6 months is not that long.

Can I ask why it would have to be 6 months?

I wouldn't do it, seen it go wrong too many times.

HF There is nothing to actually stop us going out to see him but when he first arrives he will be doing 6/7 days a week - lots to set up along with frequent travel within the region and he will of course be under pressure to prove himself.

DC and I could go but we might only get a day with him. Do able but not ideal. Thought we might save the flight costs for a fab family holiday in August.

Well then - it's what works for you as a family. I have regularly spent 6-9 months apart from dh. It is doable - and does have some plus points!

My Dad worked away from when I was 2. he was away for 3-4 months at a time, returning for 3weeks. He was in the desert in the Middle East so was completely unfeasable for us to go. We survived. It afforded us some fantastic experiences.
However, when my DH was offered a similar opportunity a few years ago, my dad strongly advised him against it, saying he deeply regretted going. But for him it was the appeal of the money. He intended to only go for a few years to pay off the mortgage, but as a family we got used to his level of income and it became a vicious circle. He only returned full time when I was 32, and only then because he had terminal cancer.
As he said to my DH, if he was to go set yourself a specific time line and stick to it.

cat64 yes the job is longer but we are thinking one year. That would give us a real head start. I think we need to put a time limit on it for all of us.

drivenmecrazy that is sad. We are quite determined that the extra money will be saved so we don't rely on it to sustain every day living - I can see how a vicious circle could ensue in those circumstance.

HF Thanks - if you don't mind which bits of it work for you and which don't?

I think you should take the opportunity as it appears you have weighed up the positives and considered your dcs needs. In the scheme of life, 12 months (if able to stick to plan) really isn't that long.

My H and I spent the first 6 years of marriage with him being away 3 months and home 3 months and this was before technology allowed you to keep in touch eg emails, webcams etc. The arrangement worked for us and allowed us to get a foothold in the housing market and have some fantastic life experiences.