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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or just over sensetive. This turn of phrase really upsets me

40 replies

mamazon · 18/01/2010 14:08

A neighbours daughter is 17 and what we could call a slag wild child.

someone posted on her status that she was a slag. she then commented on it saying "xx you wanker i got raped"

I was obviously worried for her and posted that iot was not a good idea to pos about oit on facebook. she really needs to go to the police and that if she wanted to talk i was there, but posting on FB about it could hinder any court case.

A friend of hers posted " HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
which i thought was just horrid.

she has just messaged me to say " no not raped, facebook raped"

I am so angry.

I have no idea what it actually means but i am so angry that something as devastating as rape can be used to describe some kind of pissing about on facebook.

but now i am questioning myself about whether i am over reacting because of my own history. maybe i have just got old.

art of me wants to report it to facebook as offensive but i dont want her to get into trouble simply because im an old fuddy duddy.

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 18/01/2010 16:12

Another one here more offended by use of 'slag'.

babybarrister · 18/01/2010 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 18/01/2010 16:26

YANBU
my brother uses this. It's when someone hacks their page and changes stuff. YANBU at all but what the fuck can we do?

DandyLioness · 18/01/2010 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bluesheep · 18/01/2010 16:48

I've heard people say the word 'rape' in other phrases as well - 'yawn rape' is apparently someone putting their finger in your mouth while you are yawning.

Having also had some indirect experience of rape (member of immediate family) I hate the term and have no problem telling my friends that using the term is appalling and offensive to me.

jeminthecellar · 18/01/2010 16:52

Mamazon- I know exactly how you feel, I have had really similar issues with a couple of 17/18 year olds on FB.

I sort off accept their 'yoofspeak' for what it is now...but initially it really disturbed me...again probably because ,like you, due to my own personal experiences.

I do hate the way things are treated as fun or a joke too, such as rape and abuse.

It's really hard- I would just block her!

Original poster

mamazon · 18/01/2010 17:16

to clarify.
this girl sent half an hour detailing her friday night to me a little while ago. she had 3 male friends over to her grans house and they all got drunk. they then took turns to have sex with her, at her request. they then trashed her grans house and left.

they arent assumptions about her sex life they are her own confessions.

I have spent quite some time worrying about her safety as she does have a reputation and some of the boys she mixes with really are quite nasty pieces of work who wouldnt think twice about carrying on despite her saying no.

Its a fear that she will find herself in a situation she cannot get out of. and before anyone starts with the " she should be able to behave how she likes it doesnt give someone the right to assault her" yes of course that is true but it doesnt stop me being concerned for her.
Her behaviour does leave her more vulnerable than most.

so yes when i saw on her status that she had been raped to me it was my fears being realised. It just didnt occure to me that it would have been some "in joke"

OP posts:

DorotheaPlenticlew · 18/01/2010 19:58

Mamazon, it does sound like your concerns for this girl are legitimate; I don't think anyone would blame you for worrying about her. I guess it's just that "slag" is an emotive term for a lot of people ... though I accept probably not as emotive as "rape".

And referring to girls that way does, of course, make it all the harder for them to get any sort of fair treatment if indeed they are assaulted -- so it's not just a case of us being overly PC, it's more that nobody wants to support the "she had it coming" culture in any way.

If you feel you do still want to stay FB friends with her (for whatever reason -- even if just because you are worried for her), I guess it's going to be necessary to build up a bit of a thick skin about the yoofspeak in order to avoid further upset and/or alienating her.

junglist1 · 18/01/2010 20:01

YANBU at all it's belittling the experiences of women who've been there. Yet another way in which rape isn't taken seriously

MillyR · 18/01/2010 20:07

'It was highly likely in my mind that she had found herself in a position where a boy wouldnt accept no for an answer given her reputation.'

That is an appalling thing to say. Your archaic views that a woman's sexual history has a bearing on her likelihood of being raped is far more damaging to the seriousness with which rape is treated than someone using the word 'rape' in a non-sexual context.

What kind of woman calls another woman a slag?

chandellina · 18/01/2010 20:08

YANBU but lots of unpleasant things get assimilated into language.

Jay McInerney, a respected American author, has an infamous character in one of his books who would continually say, along with her mates, "you can't rape the willing."

It didn't even offend me at the time, as I was a teenager and that's the way my friends spoke too.

Original poster

mamazon · 18/01/2010 20:15

do you know what. whatever.

I used the word Slag in the post crossed out because that is exactly what she is known as around here and its worrying.

MillyR if you have read further you will see that i am concerned for her. not because her sexual history means she deserves to be raped but because it makes her more vulnerable to it. you can be as feminist as you like but in the real world girls who have a reputation for being easy and that get drunk in a house full of randy men are a lot more at risk than most other girls.

I mentioned her sexual activity because it is relevant to my concerns for her.

I was certainly no virgin in my younger years but she gets herself in to such dangerous situations.
so yes when i saw the word Rape on her page i did think my fears had come true.

OP posts:

DorotheaPlenticlew · 18/01/2010 20:22

Mamazon, it's just that people are reacting strongly to a term you thought was ok to use (although crossed out) under the circumstances ... tbh, it's not a million miles away from what happened to you when you saw the word "rape" in a different context. You can understand that, surely? In a way it just underlines the point you tried to make to begin with: that people often casually use language in a way that others find really troubling or upsetting.

Not sure you can really expect people to think it is ok for you to be upset by the word rape, but then say "whatever" when others are upset by the word slag.

Original poster

mamazon · 18/01/2010 20:31

because i didnt use the word slag in a way that was me calling her a slag.
I was stating that we (and a greatt number of people would) call her one but because i also do not like that word i crossed it out.

thinking now it would have been better to use the word promiscuous but at that moment i wasnt thinking, just typing.

OP posts:

mayorquimby · 19/01/2010 10:24

I think yabu as you are trying to apply your values and connotations of a word onto another social group when clearly the word does not hold the same relevance to them and it's quite clear that she is not actively mocking or making light of a sexual attack, she is using the word in the way her peers do which has taken on a different meaning for them.

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