summer holiday

[cloelia]

My sister and I usually go on a summer holiday, with her two young sons and my dd now aged 14. This year the age gap between the boys and my dd seems especially large so I have told my dd she can invite a friend as we are going to go on a villa holiday. Am I being unreasonable to ask the friend's parents to pay for one flight? It would be about £200 max. My sister and I will split everything down the middle and we would not expect any other contribution from the other child's family ( who btw are not friends of mine - it is a school friend of my dd's).My dd has said that this girl's family are "saving for their own holiday" and might not be able to afford it. I read that as perhaps they do not want her to go on hol with perfect strangers - we met once at a parents' evening. or indeed, perhaps really cannot afford it. Should I pay? Why do I feel a bit reluctant ??

Good God. If anyone offered to take my kids on holiday with them I'd offer to pay for flights at the very least. In fact, I would positively expect to pay for them.

In your shoes, I think you are right to be sensitive to the fact that "not being able to afford it" might well be a euphamism for not wanting to go.

I find money is always a difficult thing to talk about with others outside the family, but I think if you are going to ask this girl you need to be upfront with the parents about whether you expect a contribution and how much. Then they can make up their own minds as to if they think this is a go-er or not. The absolute worst situation (IMO) would be not to be clear about money and for the other family to be too embarassed to bring it up and then everyone getting stressed about it. (At least this is what would happen to me.)

I would not be able to afford to pay for a flight for my child to go on holiday with someone else and have a family holiday too.

My parents used to take my brother's friend away with them and paid for everything.

Is a flight really £200, that is a lot of money. Then again we don't go abroad so I guess I wouldn't know.

I am scraping together every penny I can find just to be able to afford a week in a caravan in Gt. Yarmouth this summer as my DC's have never been on holiday. Whilst I would be over the moon if someone wanted my DD to go on holiday with them to keep their DD company, if I had to pay for the flight, it wouldn't be do-able for me, as I really would not be able to meet the cost of a family holiday as well. It's a bit difficult, if you don't know the family well enough to really broach the subject of paying for the flight. I am glad that you are able to go on a foreign holiday, but that isn't within everyone's means, and even if it is, it may be 'only just' within their means IYSWIM, so paying for an extra flight for their DD may mean they wouldn't be able to pay for her flight for their holiday. So it isn't necessarily an excuse for not wanting to go, it may just be the truth.

I'd feel very uncomfortable about letting someone pay for my DDs holiday and would be grateful to have the chance to do so myself. In fact, I'd insist upon paying, it's only polite.

A problem may arise if the parents genuinely can't afford it... what would you do then? Say she's welcome anyway and you will pay or accept that she can't come and say what a pity it is? Maybe you need to think ahead as to how you'd respond if this should arise. There's no right or wrong but at least if you have a response in mind you won't be caught on the hop.

Personally, as the mother of a 14 yo DD, I wouldn't be okay with my daughter going abroad with people I don't know. No offence, I'm sure you're very nice and responsible but it's a long way away if DD has a problem. (Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm just a born worrier!).

Saving for their own holiday sounds perfectly legitimate to me.

They may well be happy for their fourteen year old to have the lovely treat of an "extra" holiday, but it's exactly that - a treat.

If I were her parents I would be happy for her to have it as a 'present' from your family, but otherwise I would expect her to pay for it herself (no chance, I reckon, £200 is a lot of money).

This is in much the same way that that a computer game, a pair of party shoes, an MP3 player etc is a treat or something to be saved for by the child concerned. My kids certainly won't be getting everything they want just because it'd be lovely for them.

I certainly would not be spending £200 of the family's money randomly on one of my children so that she could have two holidays when the rest of us only have one.

In any case, while it's a lovely treat for the girl, you're not offering purely to be nice. It's for your daughter's sake and so you aren't having to put up with her moaning about being bored of the little ones.

thanks for these. It is a tricky one; i have no idea of the other family's financial circumstance except both dd and her are at fee paying school. I am offering not only to stop dd moaning (!) but also as a treat for her as she puts up with v tricky circumstances at home with scarcely a murmur and I love treating her to a holiday with her favourite aunt! will def explain money properly and will see what response I get - i will prob write as then v clear. thanks!

DS is going away with his best mate to stay with mate's brother in US.

I'm naturally paying for his flight and will also be giving him a couple of hundred dollars to hand over as housekeeping, and sep. money for all activites.

It's a total no brainer imo that the friends parents will pay for the flight as an absolute minimum.

Many people just wouldn't have the extra money to pay for their child to go on an additional holiday. £200 is still a lot of money.

I do envisage times int he future when we will take a friend on holiday for DD. However, we will not be asking that child to pay. They will be coming as our guest, and for our benefit.

Whenever we've taken dsd's friends away with us we've paid for them.

Most people don't have £200 to throw away casually, so it would mean something else being rearranged for most people (and a complete impossibility for some).
So a refusal could mean one of many things:

we don't want her to go with you at all

we can't come up with £200

or

we don't mind the holiday but we are not prepared to do the rearranging/saving/cutting normal treats for the rest of the family that it would entail

your dd has already supplied the explanation that would be the true one for many people, that they are saving for a holiday of their own

that would certainly be true of us

I wouldn't take it personally at all. There are a few possibilities:

1. They don't have a spare £200 on top of their own holoiday (as they say)
2. it might cause ructions with siblings which teh family wants to avoid
3. some parents might just not want their child to go away without them

None is a reflection on you.

since I do not know them I do not feel at all personally offended. The holiday is going to cost me £1400 without the extra £200 and I guess the problem is that I do not really know the child that well - if it was a friend's child then I might feel more generous!

Personally, if I invited a friend of Ds to come on holiday, I would pay for them. I do think you shouldn't offer unless you can pay for the guest. If the other parents offer any towards it then that's a bonus. imo. I mean, personally I would offer flights money or whatever, but I really don't think you can expect it, when it's your offer.

My children are at a fee paying school too and to be honest that is the reason why we cannot afford to go abroad or have an extra £200 for one of them. I would probably be able to send them with maybe £30-50 spending money.

Our budget for a family holiday would be between £200-£500 maximum.