to want DH to cut down on his hobbies?

[MissMarjoribanks]

DH and I had very busy lives before the birth of DS (our first) 6 weeks ago. We both worked full time and did various activities in the evenings and at weekends. DS was born prematurely (nothing to do with being busy, I hasten to add) and is therefore still developmentally a newborn, so not likely to be sleeping through the night anytime soon.

DH remains at work full time and also wants to keep up with all his hobbies. This involves the following times out of the house, for three separate activities.

Monday - home from work at 17.45, (normally 18.00) leave at 18.25 back at 20.30.

Thursday - home from work at 18.00, leave at 18.45, back at 23.30.

Sunday - leave at 18.25, back at 23.15.

The Thursday commitment will get more intensive as it approaches its climax, with the addition of Sundays from 13.00 to 22.30 from March (he will drop the current Sunday activity for the duration) but after May will then be in abeyance until next September, however the current Sunday activity will resume.

Prior to DS we both did the Thursday activity and I went out to my own separate activity on a Friday evening. DH is insistent I go back to this and will take on childcare responsibilities, but don't feel able to just yet, plus I am exclusively expressing due to difficulties with establishing bfing which ties me to the house somewhat.

I'm therefore home alone for a considerable portion of the week - I don't have family nearby and my friends all still work full time. I missed out on making any friends through ante-natal classes as DS was born before I my scheduled sessions took place.

AIBU if I asked DH to cut down on his activities? I would be happy for him to go to one of them, preferably the Sunday night, as I will have seen him all weekend.

Or are the first few weeks with a new baby lonely and I will feel better for getting out of the house once the weather improves, and will have asked DH to give up something he enjoys for nothing?

I feel I should point out that DH is excellent when he is here; he pulls his weight during the night shift, cooks and (when asked) cleans.

What are his hobbies?

I ask because my dh did a lot before the arrival of our boys and we have managed to find compromises which means he is still able to do a lot of it just in different ways.

YANBU for wanting him to cut down. I think its harder for dads to make this change though when los arrive. You have 9 months of being pregnant when you often can't do things you did before to come to terms with things. You are also physically tied to your baby if you are bf 9or expressing) in a way that he isn't.

If he is otherwise helpful I would approach this as talking about how you can both compromise and help each other rather than going in and saying what you don't want him to do. And making it clear that you are not asking him to give these activities up forever just that at the moment you feel vulnerable and need his support.

It is a lonely time when you first have baby and your world has turned upside down like this. Are there any mother and baby groups nearby you can go to? It can be a bit awkward at first but once you get to know a few mums you will probably find things much easier. And things will get easier once your baby starts to sleep a bit more too as everything is easier when you are well rested - it does get better sooner than you htink!

Or rather - not it is a lonely time, but it can be a lonely time

Alicet - thanks for your advice - rifle shooting, amateur dramatics and Dungeons and Dragonsy stuff, respectively. They're all things which take place weekly at very specific times with specific people, so its all or nothing unfortunately.

I wound down during pregnancy whereas he carried on as usual, but, this is the crucial thing, I was still working, so didn't feel nearly as isolated as I do now I'm home all day as well.

I am looking into mother and baby groups - I'm not hopeful though as the area I live in is not great for this kind of thing.

YANBU. 3 rather time consuming hobbies is a lot, I think he ought to drop one/two. Your baby is still very tiny, it won't be forever, he can pick up again next season.

Do look into mother & baby groups in your area. Although I didn't enjoy them at first it gave myself and DD a reason to get dressed and wash our faces once a week! It became more enjoyable once I got to know a few people.

I think it is often a whole lot harder for fathers to make that transition to the world revolving around them and their activities (fair enough when you're young and dependentless) and the world revolving around that tiny baby. For mothers, who have had 9 months of having the baby a part of them physically, it's easier to adapt to having to become completely selfless (I realise this is a huge, sweeping generalisation).

I think it is completely reasonable that you should want your DH to be more physically present. He needs to quit an activity. You need his support and company, and that has to be more important than Am Drams or whatever. It doesn't have to be forever - it might be more palatable if you sell it as being for six months and then a rethink.

My husband loves his am dram. I have two kids (aged 4 and 20months). Because he loves it, we've agreed that two shows a year is enough(usually involves 3-4 months of rehearsal, plus a full week during the play). I did say, however, that there should be no am dram in the first 3 months following the birth of each child which he respected. I've met loads of friends through his am dram (although I've no interest in doing it myself).

You have to get out and about yourself and meet other first time mums. Ask your health visitor for details - we had an excellent post natal group organised by ours and I still go out once a month with them for a meal and a chat.

Having said that, I would be surprised if your husband can keep up that pace with a newborn in the house ...!

YANBU at this point in time your DH should be offering as much practical support as he can and whilst he should certainly be able to keep up at least one of them, all three is a bit much at this point in time. Agree with hassled that it isn't forever, once your DS is a bit older then he can pick things up again.

Are there any NCT groups you can join, Baby massage classes or speak to your doctors surgery to see if any get togethers. It is nice to have company during the day as it gives you something to look forward to.

First of all, congratulations on the safe arrival of your baby.

Secondly, well done on keeping going with pumping - hope it is going well for you. You might want to ask an expert (from somewhere like the Association of Breastfeeding Mothers) on advice for re-establishing breastfeeding (if that is what you want - in some ways it might make it easier, less pumping, sterilising pump & bottles, and then spending more time actually feeding your baby). That said, expressing and leaving bottles of EBM does make it more likely that you will be able to leave your DH at home for an evening and resume some of your pre-baby hobbies (if you have the energy!).

It sounds like you are in the process of adjusting to motherhood, and a little frustrated perhaps by the fact that parenthood does not seem to have impacted as much on the life and routine of your DH, who is out of the house more or less all the time bar weekends and 3 evenings a week. Whilst much of this is for his work, which supports the whole family, it must be hard to be left alone on other evenings now that you are spending large chunks of your time alone at home with the baby.

You are not alone in finding this period difficult, it takes quite a while to adjust to becoming a mum, but it does get easier. Gradually I think you learn to accept that the pace of life is slower with little people in tow, and also your child(ren) become more interesting as they get older (not that new babies are not fascinating and engaging themselves - but they don't communicate that much just yet).

That said, I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask your other half to put some of his hobbies on hold during these early months/years, to see if there is something you could do at home together - even if it is just wii / films / scrabble.

Also, even if there are no baby groups in your locality, there will be other mums. Is there a local park you can walk to, where you could strike up a conversation with other mums of young children/babies? Libraries often run nursery rhyme sessions - no one will question you turning up with a baby who clearly cannot rhyme - most people are there to get out of the house and meet other mums anyway! Could you do a MN meet up? Is there a Sure Start centre nearby that runs groups? Some cinemas hold screenings during the day for mums and babies. Supermarket cafes are often full of mums with prams having a coffee - bin your embarrassment and ask if you can share a table and chat for a bit. Eventually you will build up a network of mums in the same situation as you, and some of these will become good friends as time goes by.

Boyraiser - I would like to re-establish bfing, but a bit nervous about trying - the day I gave DS a bottle of EBM was a huge relief as he just guzzled it down after weeks of struggling and it also meant we waved goodbye to SCBU. I've had problems with thrush since, and keep saying I will try again when it clears up, but never quite sure it has....

All - the advice on finding groups is great as well - I'm not really the sort of person who could just approach someone (despite my own am-dram experience!) but I know I am going to have to, even if it is at an organised group, I will have to say hello otherwise there is no point going. I was planning on a trip to the park tomorrow anyway, and the library is also not far away.

Yes can see that it would be tricky to do those hobbies as anything other than an all or nothing! Agree with others on thread that your dh needs to wind it down for a few months to support you though.

Where do you live? If its near me you're welcome to come out with us if you can stomach the bedlam that 2 preschool boys brings and the broken conversation! Suspect you don't as there are lots of mother and baby things nearby but you never know!

Have you told him how you are feeling? I certainly don't think it would be unreasonable for him to cut back abit.

Do you have an NCT group near you? There are good for socialising. Also, homestart - which can be a bit hit and miss, i went to a lovely homestart playgroup actually and found that most of the other mums were mums that were new to the area so had obviously sent there by their HVs

I DO think you should try and get back into your activity though - i know the BF and expressing is such hard work though isn't it. I was BF and expressing to start and it felt like i was constantly being milked in one shape or another. There is some great advice re bfeeding on here.

Do you get yourself out each day (i know its pants this weather) Do force yourself to do this.

Men do just seem to carry on as normal and its like HELLOOOOOOO we have a baby now!!! I remember one night, i can't remember what triggered it, shoutywhispering to DP "look, look in that cot - we have a baby now" lol

i found it really hard being home alone with DD, so i went to every sodding M&T group going - some were fantastic, some were rubbish, its just a case of finding something that suits you.

I think that you will be surprised about how many groups there are - lots of churches have M&T groups. Your HV should have a list of local ones.

Do speak to your partner though - unless you tell him, he wont know, he is after all, only a man!

If you have had thrush, then good to make sure that has cleared before BFing again. Not sure how you would conclusively know if it had cleared - check out www.kellymom.com and the ABM website for more info. I would imagine that if you have had treatment for the thrush and no longer experience the symptoms, then you probably are clear. It is true that if you have nipple thrush, then often the baby has it orally (although it can be asymptomatic in infants) and usually the mother and baby are treated simultaneously with antibiotic (cream) and mouth drops. To prevent further bouts of thrush use disposable breast pads and change them frequently, airdrying your nipple after pumping/feeding if poss. Make sure too that you clean & sterilise your pump between feeds. Nipple thrush is hell, but it does clear and doesn't always recur (from experience).

With regard to re-commencing BFing, I would think that it will probably be more likely to be successful the sooner you can do this, as your baby might otherwise get a strong preference for the bottle teat, and get frustrated by the less regular let-down of a breast. I would strongly advise you to get hold of a local breastfeeding counsellor. If you could do a bit of BFing and EBFing, that might allow you to experience that very close bond that you get from feeding your baby (as opposed to pumping away in front of the telly!) as well as cut down on the sterilising and pumping time. However, giving bottles of EBM really will free you up to go out and do things in the evenings, and also means that your DH can participate in the feeding of your LO - something that might help him start noticing you have a new person about the house .

Hope you have had a good day, and maybe met some other mum(s). It will get easier. Like LucyEllen's mum I also went to one M&T/library/park/coffee morning every day after I had DS1. Getting out of the house is key to retaining your sanity and helping you add some much needed structure into your day, and gradually you will build up a network of friends with whom to celebrate/commiserate the highs and lows of motherhood. In a few months you will definitely have a social life going during the days, and that will help with the isolation.

But in the meantime you are not unreasonable to expect your DH to support you emotionally and if that means putting his hobbies on hold, then so be it.

Hi,
YANBU to want a bit more support from your DH at this time.

Respect to you for expressing as well. I expressed for my prem baby for 3 months and it was a very difficult time - i seemed to be attached to that bloody pump all day!
Whether or not you establish breast feeding you have given your baby the very best start by expressing.

May have been suggested already but do look into Surestart centres - they were my lifeline at the time and I still use them now DS is over 2.

I would have thought he could most easily cut down/out the am-dram for a while. Shooting he probably has to do fairly regularly to keep his standard (and hence his enjoyment level) up, while stopping the role-playing stuff ?something I know nothing about ? might well be letting a number of friends/colleagues down.

I certainly think it?s reasonable to discuss it with him.