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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in telling my father that it is offensive when he tells me...

21 replies

Numberfour · 17/01/2010 20:09

that he wished he had met his partner 55 years ago?

Mum and Dad were married just over 50 years when she died after 10 years of an awful lingering illness. Dad nursed her through all this time.

He met a wonderful, vibrant, caring woman a short while after mum died and they have been together almost since they met. He is very happy, she is lovely and adores him and I am so pleased that they have found each other.

However, he told me on the phone tonight (we live on different continents) that he wished he'd met his partner, as I said above, 55 years ago. He has also on a number of ocassions said to me and my sister that his time with my mother now seems like a dream.

AIBU in telling him that it is offensive and hurtful for me to hear from him that he wished he'd met his partner instead of my mother?? i miss her and while he gets another partner, I had only one mum.

Mum died 2 and half years ago and Dad is mid 70s as his is partner.

Or am i being pathetic?

OP posts:

teaandcakeplease · 17/01/2010 20:12

YANBU in my opinion

Perhaps he's not thinking when he says these things but I would find it hurtful too.

cory · 17/01/2010 20:14

YANBU

You are not his marriage counsellor or friend, you are his first wife's daughter. However true these remarks may be from his pov, they are not something he should land on you.

alicet · 17/01/2010 20:14

You are not being pathetic. Effectively he is saying he wishes he had never met your mum and the net result of that is that he wouldn't have you or your sister either! I guess though that he is just incredibly happy to have found this woman and he has not really thought through what he is saying.

Rather than go in all guns blazing and tell him he is being offensive and hurtful I would gently tell him that while you are very pleased he has found love again and is happy, that you still miss your Mum and to hear him effectively saying he wishes he had met this woman instead of her is upsetting. Tell your dad that you are very happy to hear him telling you that he loves this woman but that you don't want to discuss this with him anymore if he is going to say things that dismiss your mum's memory.

Blu · 17/01/2010 20:16

Deeply tactless and insenstive as he is being, I very much doubt that he means that he didn't ant to have had you, just as you are, but he ought to be more sensitive to the fact that she was your on and only Mum and you still grieve for her.

Maybe tell him that, but without having taken the whole thing too personally.

Olifin · 17/01/2010 20:17

YANBU. Agree with alicet's advice.

It's lovely that your Dad and his partner are so happy and it sounds as though you like his partner too, which is great but he could do with being told that you found his comment upsetting.

RedCharityBonney · 17/01/2010 20:18

It's lovely that he's so happy. He wants to share it with you, and that's great too. He's gone too far though - he's been insensitive and that's a great shame (very in love people can be like that!). He does need to be a little more considerate of your feelings. Kid gloves though babes ... kid gloves!

Original poster

Numberfour · 17/01/2010 20:19

thanks for your replies! i really was worried that i was being silly about it. he even told me once that he was embarrassed by my mother when she was very ill and could not walk far. he took her out to do some do and had to hold a chair behind her for her to sit down every few steps.

yes, i think i will ask him rather not to pass on his thoughts of that nature to me. i told him tonight i was offended but we ended the conversation cordially.

he HAS tried to treat me like a counsellor when he told me that he had erectile dysfunction!!!!! I DID NOT WANT TO KNOW THAT!!! I told him he should go and see a doctor.

Anyway, thanks again!

OP posts:

jasper · 17/01/2010 20:19

YANBU , but It sounds like it is just his clumsy way of expressing how happy he is with his new partner.

A friend of mine in his 60s was devestated by the death of his wife from suicide last year.
I saw him just before Christmas and he has a new partner and is unbelievably happy and used the same expression as your Dad - that his marriage seemed like a dream and he has complelely left it behind him and moved on.

Original poster

Numberfour · 17/01/2010 20:20

kidgloves it will be!

OP posts:

Original poster

Numberfour · 17/01/2010 20:22

jasper, it is such an odd thing to say, but then i have only been married 5 years - i cannot imagine what it must be like to lose your partner you have had for decades. 50 years is a very, very long time.

OP posts:

isthatporridgeinyourhair · 17/01/2010 20:46

YANBU -Sorry to hear about your mum. My mum died 20 months ago after 40 years of a very happy marriage to my dad. My dad is now on girlfriend no.4! During that time he has said some things similiar to the comments that your dad has made to you. Like you I find them hurtful too, it makes me feel that the family life we all had together is devalued. I don't begrudge him happiness but I just wish he could be a bit more emotionally intelligent about it. I have spoken about it to him gently and it has got better. By the way he also sometimes feels it necessary to give me and my sister a bit too much information on very intimate subjects! Maybe it's a bereaved dad thing!

lucyellensmumagain · 17/01/2010 21:14

oh, what an awful thing for him to say to you and to talk about the erectile dysfunction

I don't want to worry you or anything but both of those things are so totally inappropriate things to say that it has me thinking about some form of dementia? him being 70 and all? Either that or is he is like a lovestruck teenager!!

lucyellensmumagain · 17/01/2010 21:16

but i guess, sadly, if he had never met your mum - he would never had to go through the pain of losing her? It could be that he is blocking it out.

FimbleHobbs · 17/01/2010 21:29

Yanbu

It sounds like he doth protest too much, is he trying to convince you or himself how happy he is now? Maybe his last memories of your mum are sadly full of grief and pain- so he doesn't really want to remember the past even though (I'm sure) it was full of magic and hapiness too, but he's turned the whole time into a 'dream' to make it easier to process the grief.

Original poster

Numberfour · 17/01/2010 22:57

part of me thinks, too, that the grief is too much for him to bear. i went to my mother's funeral and when i had to come back to england, i left behind a very sad, grief stricken old man. he was a mess when she died so of course him being with this other lovely lady is wonderful.

maybe saying that it was all a dream is a way of coping with the loss.

no idea but i do appreciate your input! thanks so much, everyone.

OP posts:

tethersend · 17/01/2010 23:08

Hmmm... going against the grain a bit here, but I don't think (m)any of us know what it is to meet someone you feel so strongly for at such a late stage in life, when you are acutely aware of your own (and your loved one's) mortality?

He loves this woman- of course he wishes he had met he 55 years ago; he would like many more years ahead to spend with her, and he knows he doesn't have that luxury.

I don't think he is wishing your mum away, I just think he is wishing for another 50 years with this woman; and possibly years where he is young, fit and healthy IYSWIM.

jasper · 18/01/2010 14:12

One of my close friend's dad died 5 years ago after a long happy marriage .

within a year she had a new partner and spent all her time going off round the world on cruises with him.

My friend found this very hard to come to terms with, especially as her mum seemed to no longer show an interest in her grandchildren, and she felt as though her mum had completely forgotten about her dad.

Your feelings are completely understandible.

jasper · 18/01/2010 14:15

sorry , to clarify, it was the widowed mum who found a new partner

2rebecca · 18/01/2010 14:15

No YANBU, my current husband sometimes says he wishes he had met me years ago. I then remind him we wouldn't have our wonderful (at times!) children.
Plus we may not have fancied/ liked each other when younger.
I tell my kids that I'm glad I married their dad as we had some great times together and had them.
I think he's being unintentionally hurtful and if he were my dad would pull him up on this and tell him I find his comments hurtful.

TheProvincialLady · 18/01/2010 14:19

Tell him that if he keeps up with the inappropriate and upsetting comments you will get him tested for dementia!

He is probably just in the first flush of love again and heaven knows we all go a bit gushy and think daft things at that time. My mum used to embarrass the hell out of me the way she talked about her new partner but it calmed down and I am sure your dad will too. But do tell him that you don't want to hear those things.

Original poster

Numberfour · 19/01/2010 09:39

Thanks again, everyone. I really am SO happy that he has found somone and that she is so very good to him. She dotes on him, keeps him in his place (he can be a pita) and in the old fashioned way, feeds him and dresses him well! Perhaps after caring for my mother for so long while she was dying it is great that he has someone to nurture him too.

It is interesting to read that other people have had similar experiences with parents finding new partners and have the same feelings. How very strange that is.

I like TheProvinicialLAdy's suggestion that I tell him he will be tested for dementia. Who knows.... it may well be the case!

i appreciate your input, posters. Thanks (DH and I have so much other crap going on, that even this comment DDAd made set me off!)

OP posts:

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