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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so so gutted - i know i am but doesn't stop me feeling so down.

34 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 17/01/2010 14:53

That my friend is pg when i so desperatly want to have another especially when she has said she doesn't really want another.

OP posts:
BrahmsThirdRacket · 17/01/2010 14:57

no of course YANBU

Angelcat666 · 17/01/2010 14:59

YANBU to feel the way you do but don't let it affect your friendship by telling her.

I kind of understand the way you feel because I keep feeling broody and I'm single.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 17/01/2010 15:00

I am so gutted about it because i know she doesn't really want another...i know it sounds so bloody stupid, i haven't even said congrats to her and i know i should and will have to...

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 17/01/2010 15:01

Oh i wouldn't tell her, i will be all smiles and act accordingly...

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/01/2010 15:02

come on lady, I have been where you are, but you know yabu

doesn't stop the hurt though

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 17/01/2010 15:03

AF I knew i could rely on you!!!! i do feel so gutted by it, i am jealous i guess....but as dp just said to me it will happen for us..........

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/01/2010 15:14

it is bloody awful to see people all around you getting pg at the sniff of a pair of skiddies...

when I was ttc and going through fertility Rx, I had to endure all sorts of insensitivity

"oh, my DS gets on my tits...do you want him ?..."

"just relax like I do...I only have to look at my DH and I am duffed.."

"whose fault is it then ?..."

People moaning about pg, having contraception "failures" through fecklessness, I could go on and on and be totally U

I think unless you have been there, it is difficult to grasp

good luck ttc, lady, congratulate your friend and dig deep for your inner strength x

MamaLazarou · 17/01/2010 15:17

Ah, bless you darling. It's hard, isn't it? My sister popped out 3 in the time it took me to conceive one. Good luck, and pretend to be happy for your friend.

Ronaldinhio · 17/01/2010 15:21

yanbu at all

posieparker · 17/01/2010 15:22

~Even if you find it difficult you should really congratulate your friend. My friend had a very early miscarriage when I had my dd and she didn't congratulate or get in touch for 6 weeks and then it was just a card with nothing personal written in it.... I was really gutted.

Perhaps if you could pretend to be pleased and then you may find you become happy for her. There aren't an finite number of babies and her conceiving will not make any difference to you conceiving too.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 17/01/2010 15:24

I think part of it is my birthday is coming up and i feel old!!!

DP asked me what i wanted and i felt like saying "to hide in bed all day and forget i am getting older"

I suppose i could look at it in the sense of "how much fun will the practising be!!!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/01/2010 15:24

pp, what did you do/say for your friend when she miscarried ?

just out of interest

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 17/01/2010 15:26

PP, lol no i know it won't make a difference,its just that she has always said even a few weeks ago that she hopes she doesn't fall again as she can't cope with the one she has, in fact most of the time she doesn't like him and here i am getting more and more broody by the second and not having any luck [sigh].

I will be happy for her and congratulate her etc....whilst feeling down inside.

OP posts:
posieparker · 17/01/2010 15:47

I didn't know she mc'd and so after 3 weeks of her not calling (she lived far away at the time) and then hearing she'd had an mc I didn't really feel that I could phone her as it may have caused her upset.

Not too long after her and I ceased to be friends, she'd said awful things about the school my ds went to and that there's no way she could move back to X(where I lived).

AnyFucker · 17/01/2010 15:52

ah, pp

not as black and white an issue then...

obviously other stuff going on

I just found that when I mc'd, lots of people didn't get in touch

and haven't mentioned it since

that was pretty hurtful

my DH said they were trying not to pester me and let us have our privacy, but I felt it was more about protecting themselves IYSWIM

nancydrewrocks · 17/01/2010 15:59

AF "protecting themselves". I quite agree.

nancydrewrocks · 17/01/2010 16:00

OP - you know YABU but I understand how shite it is.

Angelcat666 · 17/01/2010 16:10

Not having mc'd or had fertility problems I wouldn't dream of saying I know what it feels like because I don't. I hope my previous post didn't come across as insensitive, it wasn't meant to be.

It is hard to know what to say or do when something happens. People are scared of doing/saying the wrong thing so don't do/say anything at all.

TheLadyEvenstar I hope you get your wish very soon.

piratecat · 17/01/2010 16:16

A friend of mine got pg again, and i was really pleased for her, but also felt so so sad. Our dd's are the same age, coming up for 8. my dh is now an ex dh and i felt robbed of the chance of having another, as am still lone parent.

Feelings are strong aren't they, esp, ESP broody ones.

hope you get your wish too.

megapixels · 17/01/2010 16:22

YANBU to feel gutted. I don't think you feel gutted that she got pregnant, just that you haven't.

Do try and congratulate her though, it's very uncomfortable from the other side too, to be pregnant when someone dear to you is trying and not able to.

Sometime back I got in touch with a girl I went to school with. We were friends but she migrated when we were quite young. We emailed each other often, she'd reply to me almost as soon as I'd hit Send. Anyway, she told me that she'd been TTC for 11 years and that she feels that most other women seem to be blessed with the ability to have children without any effort when not even IVF works for her. Well when she told me that I'd just got pregnant with my second. Of course I couldn't not say anything (and just inform her 8 months later that I'd given birth) when we'd been sharing so much, so I let her know. I didn't mention it in a OMG I'm Pregnant!!!! sort of way but mentioned it (I was moving to the UK at the time so slipped it in with relation to the move, like now I've discovered I'm pregnant too) somehow. Well, she never wrote to me again . Later when the baby was born I sent her the link to a webpage I'd made for my friends and family with pics of dd but she didn't reply to me or sign the guestbook or anything. I was really upset, not for myself but for hurting her and not knowing how I could have shown some sensitivity to her situation.

Anyway, the story has a happy ending. She had a baby 6 months ago, I was so incredibly happy when I saw those pictures .

AnyFucker · 17/01/2010 16:31

you did the right thing at the time mega

it was her choice not to contact you back then, and good that you respected that

megapixels · 17/01/2010 17:13

Thank you AnyF. I wasn't sure at the time if I should have been trying to contact her. I didn't, but only because I wasn't sure what to say!

nancydrewrocks · 17/01/2010 17:26

megapixels don't beat yourself up, you did what you thought was right at the time. FWIW though I would cope less well with someone "slipping" news like that into conversation.

I have been on both sides of the fence. I conceived DS2 very quickly when a dear friend of mine had been ttc for a long time, telling her I was pregnant was one of the hardest conversations I have had.

About ten weeks after DS2 was stillborn a friend dropped into conversation that a mutual friend was pregnant. I felt like my guts had been ripped out and stamped on. The news would have been hard to hear however it was presented but I wish my friend had acknowledged that it might have been painful for me to hear.

Different for different people though I guess.

Buda · 17/01/2010 17:30

I know just how you feel LadyE. I have one DS who was IVF and we tried again and it didn't work. Am now 45 and I go through stages of being pretty ok with it but now for some reason I am all broody again.

My sis had 3 'accidents' and was toddling along quite happily I thought. Then she go broody and decided to go for one more and had twins!!!!! Life seems so unfair sometimes.

HappySeven · 17/01/2010 17:38

I had a MMC which I didn't tell many people about and until I became pregnant again really struggled hearing about other women becoming pregnant. It seemed so unfair. A good friend once asked me if I immediately thought "bitch" when I heard and I had to confess I did and she pointed out it was a natural reaction and not to berate myself for it. She has a disabled child and thinks the same everytime someone has a healthy baby but wouldn't want it to happen to anyone else in a million years. So in a roundabout way I think YANBU. It's a natural reaction but try and be pleased for your friend and I'm sure your time will come. TBH if she really didn't want another and feels she struggles with one she may be in need of your support.