Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take down photos of DS's dad?

16 replies

MsSpentYoof · 17/01/2010 13:50

Background is XP was mentally and physically abusive, and I had to finally kick him out when he ended up hurting DS, it was then I realised he had no boundries left and so kicked him out and pressed charges on him. But because the really bad things were over 6 months before I reported him and there was lack of physical evidence (even though I had scars) he only got put on probation and forced to attend an IDAP course.

We have now been referred to the St. John ambulance because they will be able to do supervised access, until now I have been supervising access, not because I think I owe him anything but because I think it is important for DS to get to know his dad so he doesn't put him on a pedestal while at the smae time protecting him from getting hurt. He still continues to control me and still abuses me within the boundries that his probation will allow (mentally) which is why we are getting supervised access.

It has been 16 months now since he has gone and me and DS have just found out we have been offered a council home (we couldn't afford to move privately and the house I was living in was an awful state with a crap landlord) and my friend has turned around to me and said that I should make sure I don't put up pics of DS's dad, and whilst before I have said that I would never "block him out" by taking him pictures down, I am inclined to agree with her because he has caused nothing but hurt and sometimes just seeing him on the wall can upset DS because he misses him.

Also XP won't ever be entering this house or even knowing where it is, so it's not like he would ever find that he wasn't on the walls any more...

So would IBU to not put any pics of XP up in the new house and make a new fresh start without anything around to remind us of him?

OP posts:
differentID · 17/01/2010 13:53

I wouldn't say unreasonable at all. you will still have the photos, even if tucked away in a drawer so if ds asks you can show him, but you don't need to keep photos up you think may upset either of you just for teh sake of them being up.

congrats on th enew house btw.

bronze · 17/01/2010 13:53

Could you do an album that you leave in your dss room that he could look at when he feels the urge.

piratecat · 17/01/2010 13:55

You don't need to put up pics in your lounge/kitchen, but I would probably put up a picture or have one out in ds's room. If he gets upset, then put it away. I know what it's like always trying to do the best, and being fair but your ex isn't.

mt dd got so hurt by her dad that one day she said she didn't want hi picture up, so i hid it away.

She knows what he looks like from memory. (albeit a long one now!)

Original poster
MsSpentYoof · 17/01/2010 14:01

Thanks DiffID Am really excited about finally moving out of this crummy house. Even if it means moving to somewhere with no bus connection, lol. (just hope I don't lose the car)

Broze That is a good idea but I would be slightly worried he would dwell on it. He is 2 atm and has been very confused about his dad. And plus he might rip the photos then wish he still had them when he was older...

OP posts:
Littlepurpleprincess · 17/01/2010 14:05

My parents are seperated and we never had photos of dad up at home. There are no Big Issues, like violence or abuse either. It's mums house and she's not with him so why would she have pictures? I would find it wierd if she did. Your son can always put up pictures in his own room, if wants to, when he old enough.

Vallhala · 17/01/2010 14:06

The last things I'd have are pictures of my own abusive ex-husband. Regardless that he's your son's father, he physically hurt you and has hurt your son. Why on earth would you want to be reminded of that/him?

That said, tbh, I wouldn't and didn't permit a violent man access to my small children or myself, so my reaction is probably extreme to most.

Perhaps a reasonable compromise is to make a memory book for your son, with photos of lots of family members within, his father included?

Movingon2010 · 17/01/2010 15:46

I Like Bronze's idea though instead of using the original photos how about scanning them and turning them into a picture book and wait for your ds to ask for the book - if he rips, draws over the book you will have the originals for your ds at a later date?

victoriascrumptious · 17/01/2010 19:32

I think it would be perfectly reasonable for you to take down the photos of your ex. In fact to keep them up would be really unhealthy for you. Like other posters have mentioned why not do a photobook/album for your LO's-to keep in thier room that sounds sensible.

Just a note on IDAP-I am a Magistrate and time and time I see perpetrators who have been given IDAP coming back to Court after not attending IDAP and asking to spend a time in prison instead. It would appear that many find prison easier as then they can avoid facing up to what they have done. I've seen videotapes of IDAP sessions being run and the people that run these course absolutely hammer these men. They really don't get away with anything.

I understand though how you would feel that being given a 2 year community sentence as opposed to a few months in prison might be seen as a soft option but after a few months in prison the man who comes out is exactly the same man who went it...except generally more vengeful.

victoriascrumptious · 17/01/2010 19:33

And if he's continuing to abuse you emotionally then you need to have a word with his Probation Officer-what they don't know about they can't deal with

JeremyVile · 17/01/2010 19:37

No need to ahve his picture up on the wall or in frames - just have a little album with family pictures, including exh, for ds to look at if he wants.

norksinmywaistband · 17/01/2010 19:47

YANBU,
My DC have a picture each of them with their dad on the wall in their bedrooms ( at their request) all others are stored away.
However my ex was controlling but not abusive and continues to have a good relationship with the DC.

In your case I would do as other suggest and make an album he can look at when he is older, if he wants. He is still having access and so he won't forget his father and if you think it would upset him you need to use your own judgement as it is your house and the safe environment you are providing for both of you

Original poster
MsSpentYoof · 17/01/2010 21:10

I am so glad nobody thinks IABU, I really want to create an XP free atmosphere, a safe haven that he will never step foot in, but thought I may being unreasonable to take down the pics because it is DS's dad.

I have just taken the pics down just now and it's really weird the sense of relief I have had just taking them down, and now getting out of the house he has done so many things to me in is also a huge weight off my shoulders.

victoriascrumptious I have asked XP so many times for his probation officers contact details and telling him to give her my phone number but still neither have happened, I did get a letter sent about the IDAP course when he was ordered to go on it, but at that point I had so many other things going on in my life that I couldn't call them (I was too depressed, lost months of my life) and now can't find the letter to get the number to call them

OP posts:
Original poster
MsSpentYoof · 17/01/2010 21:10

I am so glad nobody thinks IABU, I really want to create an XP free atmosphere, a safe haven that he will never step foot in, but thought I may being unreasonable to take down the pics because it is DS's dad.

I have just taken the pics down just now and it's really weird the sense of relief I have had just taking them down, and now getting out of the house he has done so many things to me in is also a huge weight off my shoulders.

victoriascrumptious I have asked XP so many times for his probation officers contact details and telling him to give her my phone number but still neither have happened, I did get a letter sent about the IDAP course when he was ordered to go on it, but at that point I had so many other things going on in my life that I couldn't call them (I was too depressed, lost months of my life) and now can't find the letter to get the number to call them

OP posts:
CirrhosisByTheSea · 17/01/2010 21:50

I think it might be good to do an 'identity' box similar to those done with fostered or adopted children at times - you put in photos, mementos if you have any, perhaps a little family tree with names of family on that side of the family and photos if you have any of them....if your ds is too confused he doesn't have to help do it but I think if child is older they do get them to help in the making of it. Just ensures the child doesn't have a 'black hole' where that side of the family should be and bolsters their sense of identity. Identity is incredibly important in terms of keeping self esteem up.

I hope something like this might enable you to create that safe haven for your ds while still doing all you can in terms of his long term needs re identity etc, good luck, and your son sounds very lucky in his mum if not his dad!!

Alambil · 17/01/2010 21:52

I have ONE photo of DS with the other side of his genetic make up - he isn't a dad or a father or any of those words

It is in the bottom of a box somewhere and is 6 years old... DS is 7

If he ever asks what the shitface looks like, I'll show him, otherwise in the box it will remain

YANBU

Get that packing tape and use it

Original poster
MsSpentYoof · 17/01/2010 23:01

I forgot to get the packing tape lewisfan, I have been itching to get packing tonight but haven't been able to. Will be at the shop first thing so I can get started

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page