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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to Not Want my Fecund Sister to Muscle in my (Possible) Pregnancy?!

13 replies

Eadwacer · 17/01/2010 13:44

I think I am being unreasonable, so shout away.

I've got four elder sisters. Two of them have 3 kids, two of them have two. I am TTC my first.

Only one sister knows this. She is baby-obsessed, and as soon as I mentioned that I wanted a child (greatly to everyone's shock, as I've always loathed the idea) she squealed with joy and said she'd try to conceive her fourth so we can, ahem, share everything.

I'm a bit disappointed to report that I sagged inside. For 20 years I have had less attention than my sisters from my Mum and Granny because - and I think this is only natural - they have children, and so need (and get) lots of support and advice and affection and exquisite hand-crafted gifts and visits and whatnot. I know it's not precisely the MAIN reason to have a child but I was quite looking forward to having special time, with my Mum in particular, and my baby being doted on etc. (forget what they tell you about the youngest child being spoiled - my parents ignored me until I could help with the cooking and there are no photos of me as a baby, so I was rather hoping they'd pay more attention as grandparents!).

Well there it is. [Puts on hard hat, ducks behind sofa]

OP posts:

DollyMessiter · 17/01/2010 13:48

I can understand that you wanted this time to be special for you.

I do think it a bit odd that your DSis is prepared to have another child just so you can both share the experience.

Wait until she gets her BFP and then tell her you've changed your mind?

BrahmsThirdRacket · 17/01/2010 13:53

Ooh YANBU. That would annoy me. And I was also feel that it's only a matter of time before it got competitive (although your relationship may not be like that). You know, 'I want a natural birth' 'Well I want an aromatherapist and reiki massage person for mine'.

It is weird that she's planning to get pg the same time as you.

MillyR · 17/01/2010 13:54

I think you are going to be disappointed. If your parents already have lots of grandchildren, they are unlikely to make a lot of fuss over your child.

I think you have to put the past behind you, because it is unlikely that it is going to be made up for through your Mum's 'special' treatment of your baby.

So YANBU, but I think you are setting yourself up to get hurt.

coppit · 17/01/2010 14:05

My friend's children are grandchild no. 10 and grandchild no. 11 for her parents and her parents are not very hands on grandparents for obvious reasons. You might be disappointed at the amount of attention your mum has left so just try and get on with things that you want to do and don't hang all your hopes on lots of attention from your mum.

Anyway, YANBU, it is bizarre that your sister would want to TTC just because you are and it is also natural to want some attention from your mum.

Try not to stress about photos of you when you were younger. When my youngest sibling was born, my mum had 3 other preschoolers to deal with - taking photos was out of the question tbh!

Original poster

Eadwacer · 17/01/2010 14:26

Thanks chaps: I feel sort of reassured and gently chastened at the same time! You're right - I think it'd be crazy to expect them to react to their eleventh grandchild as much as to the first one. And it's kind of beside the point, anyway.

Funny how this TTC business makes a girl sensitive.

TBH I'm not sure that my sister would want another baby purely to 'share' - I suspect she's wanted another for a while and this just made her want to act on it.

Tempted to keep it under my hat, then if I do get pregnant not tell her for a few months! (She lives a fair way away....)

OP posts:

OmicronPersei8 · 17/01/2010 14:33

Another way of seeing it is that if you were to be pregnant at the same time as each other it might give you a special bond. I have a friend who was pregnant at the same time as her sister, their children were born a week apart and they are very close now. When you bond in pregnancy I've found (just with friends) that the you have a real soft spot for the other person's baby - maybe your sister just wants to give you this special relationship. It would mean your baby would be special in the family because s/he would be important to your sister.

Anyway, good luck with ttc and I hope it all goes ok with your family.

morningpaper · 17/01/2010 14:36

I agree with Ormicron - I think it would actually be really nice to share that special time with someone and I can understand where your sister is coming from

However, I wouldn't worry too much about it - just see how the future works out! Good luck

alicet · 17/01/2010 14:38

I have to say I sincerely doubt your sister would be trying for a 4th child if that wasn't their plan anyway at some point.

While I can totally understand you feeling a bit unhappy as you wanted this to allow some special time with your mum, I don't think (assuming you are close) that it is so wierd that your sister wants to share this with you. I would LOVE to have a baby at the same time as my sister (or a close female friend for that matter) to share the experience. does this make me wierd, since everyone else seems to agree with you !

Agree with poster who says you may be setting too much by this as there may be other reasons you do not see as much of your mum and gran? Geography? Differences in personality? Or maybe your sisters, while getting more of their time and help, also do more to help them?

alicet · 17/01/2010 14:39

OK so I am not so wierd - cross posted with morningpaper and omicron!

Original poster

Eadwacer · 17/01/2010 14:43

Hm - thinking about it, I AM being a bit unreasonable because I actually see more of my Mum than the sister in question, because a)I'm nearer and b) we share lots of interests and enjoy each others' company, whereas the sister and my Mum always rub each other up the wrong way (and then I get phone calls from each of them complaining about the other!).

I guess it's just that pregnancy and birth, first time round, is SO special and frightening and unlike anything else, and of course not something I've ever shared with my Mum, that I was looking forward to it just being me.

Selfish much? Probably. . .

OP posts:

megapixels · 17/01/2010 14:44

YANBU. It looks like you're just a little bit upset that you've not had as much attention and now when you have half a chance at it someone else is trying to share it too. Nothing wrong with feeling that way.

FWIW, it's actually nice having someone else pregnant with you and having their child at the same time. You can talk loads about the pregnancy and baby without either of you feeling bored .

DuelingFanjo · 17/01/2010 14:47

The way I see it, what you plan doesn't always happen so the chances are one of you will get pregnant before the other so your pregnancies will be at different stages and the competition won't seem so bad.

KurriKurri · 17/01/2010 14:51

I think your sister means well. And I suspect your baby will have a very doting Aunty whether your sister gets pregnant or not.

FWIW, my sister and I had our children fairly close together, and we had great fun doing stuff together with our children, and now they are all grown up, the cousins have a wonderful close friendship.

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