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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to hate my birthday (bit of a whine, feel free to ignore)

21 replies

BrahmsThirdRacket · 16/01/2010 20:55

I can't ever remember looking forward to my birthday, even when I was a child. It's coming up next week.

  • I hate getting older.

  • I hate the pressure to enjoy your birthday.

  • I hate being given presents I don't like and then feeling like a horrible person for not liking them.

  • My family and DP have been asking 'What do you want?' and I have no idea, and feel bad about it. I still feel guilty about not liking the Christmas present DP got him, which I know he was upset about.

  • I usually don't plan anything for my birthday, and then feel bad because I'm not doing anything for my birthday [illogical]

Anyone else, or is it just me? I'm not even that old, yet. Feeling v much the sleigh-ride towards 30, though and hate it [Peter Pan emoticon]

OP posts:
Original poster
BrahmsThirdRacket · 16/01/2010 20:56

that DP got me*, obviously

OP posts:
QandA · 16/01/2010 20:59

YABU

You have people around you who care enough about you to want to get you a present and remember your birthday

30 is young, so heading to 30 definitely is.

Stop being an misery and get on with enjoying it, do whatever would make you most happiest.

I love birthdays though

LetThemEatCake · 16/01/2010 20:59

I love my birthday. But I hate Christmas, and I feel guilty about that, esp now that I have dcs.

Is it soon, your birthday?

lucyellensmumagain · 16/01/2010 21:00

YABU im 39 how do you think i feel!!!!

Actually i feel the same as you, always have done

LetThemEatCake · 16/01/2010 21:00

oh sorry, next week, didn't catch that

whethergirl · 16/01/2010 21:09

Hmmm! I find it strange you didn't like birthdays as a kid....I don't know any children that doesn't get excited about their birthday, so maybe you need to address that and look into why you didn't enjoy them as a child.

I have found, how I feel about my birthday is a reflection of how I'm feeling at the time. If things are a shit, then a birthday just seems to make it all the more depressing.

Last year I didn't want to do anything for my birthday because I didn't have any money. But then a few friends came round, bringing their own drink and food, and we sat in the garden and had a great time. Try not to think of it as pressure to enjoy your birthday...you are just enjoying the company of good friends. Just think of it as an excuse to go out or have a get together or spend some quality time with your DP.

As for the present thing, I too hate getting presents I don't like, so either I'm very specific, direct people to my wish list on Amazon or tell them I'd rather they treat me to lunch or something.

I'm approaching 40's and not bothered by getting older to be honest, I still feel young at heart, I look good and I'm actually enjoying my life more than in my 20's and early 30's. If I were you, I'd really try and change the way you feel about getting older because it really is something you can't avoid. And you are still so young! I did have a bit of a panic when I turned 30...then realised nothing changed really. It's just a number.

Original poster
BrahmsThirdRacket · 16/01/2010 22:01

I have this weird feeling that I once had a really bad birthday, I think it was my 6th. My mother couldn't be bothered to do anything for it, and I found her up at 11pm at night trying to make a cake and fucking it up and being angry with me because of it. However, there is something a bit fuzzy and unreal about this memory so it could be false memory wotsit I suppose.

OP posts:
Armi · 16/01/2010 22:08

If it's any consolation, I spent much of my 30th birthday in bed, eating chocolate digestives and refusing to get up.

Shrugs It's your birthday - deal with it how you will. When they ask what you want, ask for money or vouchers. There's no obligation to be Ms Happy and Smiley All Day but just paint on a nice lipstick smile if something has been arranged for you by people who love you - you might end up enjoying it.

With regards to getting presents you don't like - what's the problem? If you don't like birthdays anyway, it's immaterial whether you like your presents or not - they're stuff you didn't have before that you now have. You didn't ask for them, therefore you don't have to clasp them to your heaving bosom and love them forever.

If I was feeling a bit strict, I might point out that complaining about people loving you and the terrible pressures of being showered with material goods isn't in particularly good taste, considering current world events. But I'm not at all strict, so I'll just wish you a happy birthday.

Original poster
BrahmsThirdRacket · 16/01/2010 22:13

I'm not complaining about people loving me, I'm just frustrated with myself because I don't react in the right way. I just feel like it's one big pitfall, and I won't be able to get through it without upsetting someone. I have asked for book tokens, but have been told 'That's not a proper birthday present'.

OP posts:
Armi · 16/01/2010 22:19

Just smile and go with it. Ask for necklaces and smelly stuff that can be re-gifted. Birthdays and all occasions of pre-planned jollity are a nightmare but I reckon it's all really about the people who planned it all, not the person it was planned for, so rehearse your 'That's wonderful, darling!' expression in the bathroom mirror.

Sorry if I sound flippant. I understand that this is a major issue for you but personally I think you need to just get over it. Unless you're the Queen - you're not, are you?! - you're not getting a parade and an RAF fly past. There's not going to be a national holiday in your honour. The President of Outer Mongolia is not pressing the gift of ten thousand yaks upon you. You'll get a few presents and taken out for dinner - I'm sure you can smile your way through it and accept all with good grace. Just get on with it!

Again - happy birthday!

golgi · 16/01/2010 22:24

It's January Birthday Syndrome.

Nobody can really be arsed after Christmas, you've just had a load of presents and can't really think of anything else you want, there isn't much spare money about for celebrations....etc.

(mine's next week too).

But I am looking forward to it, as my children get ridiculously excited about birthdays and will enjoy helping me unwrap my presents and blow out the candles on my cake.

Original poster
BrahmsThirdRacket · 16/01/2010 22:25

"Unless you're the Queen - you're not, are you?!"

I shall respond with an enigmatic smile...

I need to get better at pretending, I think. I have one of those faces that give away inside feelings straight away. I should take lessons from David Cameron.

OP posts:
Armi · 16/01/2010 22:28

I was reading 'Wolf Hall' by Hilary Mantel recently. In it, if memory serves, a character is advised to 'arrange your face'. It's become my new motto before any sort of event for which I lack enthusiasm.

Bellebelle · 16/01/2010 22:30

Brahms - it's my birthday on Tuesday and I find with it being so close to Christmas that it's always a bit of an effort to get excited about so soon after Christmas and NY. I can never think of anything I would like and find it a bit stressful trying to think of things - I know it's not exactly a bad thing to have people want to buy me gifts but my DH and Mum will always buy me things even if I say not too and I would prefer the money went on something I really want/need iyswim.

Since having DC's everyone Is always too tired or skint to really want to go out to celebrate too (was never a problem pre-kids!)

But I do always have a nice time and the DD's get excited for me too which is lovely.

So i think YANBU but I hope you manage to find a way of enjoying your day!

Bumbleconfusus · 17/01/2010 12:08

YANBU

I thoroughly dislike my birthday too, generally includes tears at some point. Its best to say you just don't want anything, and then you might end up with something wee, so you don't need too feel guilty about not liking it. If you are honest and say you would rather not anything, then they will eventually get the idea. Or you could suggest that you all go for a nice meal together, as this way everyone gets a nice evening, and they all feel as if they have gotten you something...

MrsCadwallader · 17/01/2010 12:53

YANBU - I've always struggled with my birthday too (and mine is June so it's not even a post Christmas thing!)

I think it's a combination of weighty expectation (to be wonderfully happy and have a great day) and having to be the centre of attention (whilst also being wonderfully happy and having a great day). I find it incredibly stressful!

And the really stupid thing is, when I manage to keep it all very low key I end up feeling mildly disappointed that I haven't been wonderfully happy and had a great day..... I just feel sorry for my family who have to put up with my irrational unpredictability

I have found it has got easier as I've got older though (I am now late 30s) - I am much better able to just go with it and be gracious

victoriascrumptious · 17/01/2010 13:05

Do you think you might have some self-esteem issues Brahms?

AlpenCrazy · 17/01/2010 13:09

my dh exactly the same which i always found odd as i always loved my bday. until i hit 40. that was really crap. taken me a coupla years to get over it.

keep a list of stuff u think of throughout year that u can tell people for what to get u. i started doing this after my 40th, when i had a massive party ( my mums 70th and dh's 1st too within a week so we shared a party )and recieved the most astounding amount of shite. am still regifting it 2 and a half years on

Dumbledoresgirl · 17/01/2010 13:20

Oh sweetheart, you are SO NOT being unreasonable. Loads of people have the same issues as you. I know, because I am worse than you and have been a bit public about it lately on MN and I had loads of people saying they understood/felt the same way.

I have just had a birthday and behaved so badly I couldn't post directly what I did here as I would have hoards of people on my back screaming abuse at me. I can only liken my behaviour to how some women become when they have extreme PMT. I don't want to be the woman I am on my birthday but I don't seem able to help it. My first ruined birthday was when I was 5, the one I had recently, I was 45! They haven't all been bad though, but every so often the devil enters me and I destroy everything and everyone around me with my behaviour.

My best recommendation to you would be to try going one birthday with no presents or minimal presents. Instead, go out and do something special you have never done before. When I turned 40, I asked family to not give me presents but donate the money instead to a fund which I used to take my husband, kids and myself to Paris for the w/e. It was so totally different, no presents to unwrap, no expectation that I should like things, no birthday routines (eg even something as simple as birthday cake candles can bring out the worst in me) and we all got to spend time together seeing a new place. I certainly did not have time to dwell on being 40. Maybe you could try the same sort of idea for when you turn 30?

Original poster
BrahmsThirdRacket · 17/01/2010 19:58

Mrs Cadwallader, that's exactly how I feel. I do want to have a nice time, obviously, but am very bad at being the centre of attention. I don't behave badly or anything, but just feel like I am not responding enthusiastically enough and I feel really shy for no reason.

I do think it is a bit to do with it being in January, not being able to think of things to ask for. My mother, whom I rarely see or speak to, has decided to be very 'active' (for her) about my birthday this year, and has decided to buy me clothes. So she keeps sending me links of things saying 'Don't you think this is nice?'. No, I don't. And then I feel mean.

It's not the end of the world, I know, but it gets to me a bit.

OP posts:
MrsCadwallader · 18/01/2010 05:37

Could you ask your mother to send you vouchers so that you can choose your own things? I really love having vouchers as a gift - I can put them away and sort of forget they are there until I feel like going shopping in my own time, when I has had a chance to disassociate the whole thing from it being my birthday (if that makes sense!) You could use the reasoning that all the spring stuff is in the shops now, but its hard toknow what you are going to need for spring right now?

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