to be upset by this comment

[CrosswordGeek]

"I don't know why you let your family stuff affect you, it's not like it's you that's going through it."

For a bit of backstory on "family stuff".

The past 2 years has a been an avalanche of shit. My Nan had several heart attacks and had to have bypass surgery whilst my Mum and I looked after my Grandad who had suffered from strokes, and then look after her once she was home from surgery.

My brother was diagnosed with Crohn's disease, lost his (very successful) business, car and friends. He had a foot of his gut removed because it was so ulcerated, but within 6 weeks another foot and a half was just as bad as pre-surgery. He has to have immunosuppresent drugs, and has not been near remission once in the 2 years since diagnosis. His consultant has only ever had one case as bad as this before, and has hinted that he will probably only live to about 45.

My father lost HIS business due to the recession and stupidity on his behalf. He asked me to move out when I was pregnant, ignored all of his post and subsequently had his house (that my brother was renting from him) reposessed 3 days after Christmas because he wasn't paying the mortgage. Because of ignoring his post, he never informed my brother the house was being reposessed and the only way we found out was when I opened a letter adressed to my Father from the court.

My grandad had MORE strokes, leading to him being in hospital and having to stay in a specialist stroke unit to be rehabilitated as he lost the use of one of his legs. He is home but wobbly and has a lot of falls that end up with him in hospital. My Nan is his carer, and looks after him full time, but has now developed a drinking problem because she "can't cope" but won't allow anyone to come in and help her.

I feel like I'm surrounded by bad situations, but try to be as positive as possible around all of my family, but I breakdown when I'm with my friends. The comment hit me hard as I've suffered with depression for a long time. AIBU to be upset or is it completely normal?

YANBU!

Who said that to you?

Of course it affects you! What a ridiculous thing to say!

Bloody hell, I amazed you're still speaking to anyone! YANBU.

A "friend" of mine... I was on a bit of a downer/crying day about everything and she just came out with it. Just made me feel worse, although I don't think it was her intention. Just hard to take on the chin without feeling a bit useless.

Am also getting fed up of the "But you have a beautiful baby, how could you possibly be depressed" comments. Makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. Am crying and feeling a bit pathetic now.

YANBU Some friends can't deal with other people's continuing greif very well, unfortunately. Very selfish of them to see this as something you need to stop rather than a bit of patience and solidarity on their behalf.
What you have been through is awful. I really hope things start to get better for you all.
HAve you been to the doctors about your depression?

Of course it's you going through it! what a shitty time

Of course YANBU is only human to be upset when everything around you is disentegrating before you eyes..who ever said that to you tell them to get a heart!

This probably won't help but bellieve me I mean it well and it has served me while I was going through a shitty time - Bailiffs knocking, DH really ill, buisness being wrapped up......

'Nothing stays the same, whether it's good, bad or indifferent there will be change'

Crossword. You and your's are having an awful time and nobody knows how long this situation will last but I wish you well and the tide will turn.

Sometimes people say the wrong thing unintentionaly just for something to say.

Please don't take it to heart but follow my other mantra of thjinking 'Fuck it!' That usually helps

Actually, it depends. If you are upset for the people who are going through it (which it sounds like you are!) then that was a cruel thing to say to you. Of course you are going to be upset when bad things happen to family members. Who wouldn't be?

However. There is the other type of person and it's important that your friends don't confuse you with this type of person.

This type of person is, for example, my parents. I'm going to tell you about them to illustrate the difference.

Whenever something happens to me, or my sister, or whoever, my parents take it as their own. They tell everyone about it, say how hard it is for them, how they don't think they can deal with even one more thing, how stressed they are, how "it's accumulated".... and people go "oh, how do you cope, oh you poor thing, oh how hard for you..."

Now, as the person who is ACTUALLY going through this thing that they are hijacking in order to get sympathy for themselves, that pisses me right off.

Yes they may feel sorry for me, yes they may be worried about me but that does not give them the right to tell all and sundry about MY life and MY problems so that they can get a pat on the back, tea and biscuits or whatever.

It feels like they use my problems for their own ends.

So I think you need to explain to these people the difference between worrying about your family and taking their problems for yourself.

you really do not need friends like that. I once had a 'friend' who asked me not to talk about my severely disabled child to/with her we are no longer friends

AngryFrom...... WHAT?!! FFS! that is unbelievable!! (I mean that as a figure of speach ....I do believe you- IYSWIM!)

Goodness Crossword and AngryFrom - I can't believe these people are/were friends. How horrible and unnecessary. It costs nothing to listen sympathetically to someone who is going through a tough time.

My mother has advanced MS and my friends always ask how she is, how my dad is (he is primary carer) and also how I am. It is really tough when people you love are in pain and struggling and you have my every sympathy because you have had an avalanche of shite to deal with.

If you can, drop this 'friend' and don't feel guilty about feeling dreadful. Have you considered getting some counselling?

Your friends sounds awful - tbh if someone said that to me they wouldnt be my friend for much longer.

Your family is going through a very tough time - you have every right to be upset when people you love arent doing very well.

heQet That sounds like my mum and sister!

CrossWordGeek I think upahill is right.
I hope your friend just said the wrong thing without meaning to iynwim. If not shes a tit.

heqet - I can understand this and think this is why I'm paranoid about being unreasonable. My mum does the same thing as your parents, and has done all throughout my life. I've suffered from depression and self harmed for most of my adolescent life. My Mum used to talk about this all the time and how hard it was for her, and people used to make me feel even worse....

I don't want anyone's sympathy, I just want my family to be better, and it's so hard to cope with watching everything crumble around you. It's hard to not be paranoid of "what next?" when life keeps throwing shit at your family. Ever since DD was born, I've been overly anxious and paranoid about her health and fears of doing something wrong.

I overthink things because I have sleeping problems, so I go through everything in my head over and over, wondering what I can do to make it better for them. Trying to address my Nan's drinking problem has done nothing but end in tears.

I want to be able to FIX things and that makes me feel worse, because I don't even know where to start.

Am scared of having councelling due to a very bad experience when I was younger. I just wish I knew what the "right" way to deal with everything WAS.

YANBU. Some people are very insensitive and thoughtless.

I really hope each of the problems gets better/under control and I really do feel for you.

Oh my god, this person is your friend who said this! YANBU, of course things like this are going to affect you too. Particularly things like sick GPs!

She wouldn't be my friend for much longer I don't think.

AngryFromManchester, I cannot believe that someone could even think to say something like that!!!!!

Crossword.... I know excatly what you mean by that 'what next' feeling?. It's awful and can be delibarating.

This seems to be my standard advice but do you have a Women's Centre near you. Google 'Womens centre and your town name' see what comes up.
The one in my town is brillant and can come up with a combination of counselling (I did see what you wrote but bear with me!) and self help techniques. They offer confidence building courses I know I may be well off the mark by suggesting that but sometimes when everything falls down like a card houses your esteem and confidence takes a knock.

Try to get some outdoor exercise everyday- Now I'm not suggesting fell running or anything extreme just 1/2hr walk or so maybe round your neighbourhood or into town parks.
Also make sure you are eating well and resting.This will help your mind and body.

This may seem really fake but if you can present yourself as best as you can. Look nice, maybe a bit of make up. Superficial I know but if you look bad that can sometimes affect moods as well. NOTE PLEASE REMEMBER I AM NOT MAKING ASSUMTIONS ABOUT OUR APPEARANCE _ I don't know you after all.

There is no doubt that you are in a middle of a bad situation but you need to be mentally strong to deal with it and maybe these tips could help a little.

Maybe some of this can be useful to you, other bits you may think is bull but I mean it well.

Remember this isn't going to be like this for ever. I know you probably won't believe me but eventually you will be able to smile and enjoy things again.