To not want to compromise over passive smoking issue?

[MakeYerOwnDamnDinner]

O.K. My childrens great grandmother (my mothers mother) is an extremely heavy smoker.

She refuses to go outside to smoke or even in the conservatory (too cold) when she visits my mother, and always ends up filling the house with smoke although she's been asked not to.

If anybody (other members of the extended family too) absolutely insists she smokes outside when she stays, she makes a fuss and says she's being made to feel unwelcome.

I've said I really don't want my children around smoke, and that if she wants to spend time with them - which would only probably happen a few times a year anyway - then she really must go outside for a fag. But she absolutely won't compromise, and so she doesn't really see my kids which I feel is a shame both for her and for them.

The thing is, I think my mother and her partner think IBU, and a bit self-righteous. Their attitude is 'come on she's an old lady who's smoked all her life, she can't NOT smoke, and it's not going to kill your kids to be around it only a few times a year.

Perhaps they're right and IABU. What do you think?

How old are your kids? A newborn baby, def not. But a 3 or 4 year old, or older, with no breathing or lung probs - I'd probably not worry about it a few times a year. They get great lungfuls of exhaust fumes where we live! I'd just take them for a walk in the fresh air afterwards.

It is an addiction, and she's an old lady, and seeing her great GC is important.

YANBU, and just to clarify, I AM a smoker.

My gran was also a heavy smoker, but she did not smoke whenever her grandchildren visited her in her own house. She probably would have if we hadnt said to her we would prefer her not to.

There's no reason she can't at least go into the conservatory and smoke.

It's a tricky one. My Granny was a very heavy smoker - I still feel sick at the thought of breathing in all that nicotine filled air, esp. towards the end of her life when she had dementia and couldn't remember when she'd last had a cigarette, so used to have a couple on the go continually in her small flat

If she were still around, I really wouldn't be happy about her smoking around my children. She would refuse to go outside as well, so I think I'd probably end up sending them outside or take them out for a walk whenever she lit up. Could you do the same? You have my full sympathy - vile, foul habit.

They're eleven, six, and three. And yes, I'm fully prepared to accept that perhaps I could and should compromise over this.

But she refused to compromise when they were tiny babies aswell.

YAdefinatelyNBU I don't allow people to smoke near my DD and she is 4. If i go to my MIL then if she wants to smoke, she can go outside - it wont kill her to get some fresh air with the nicotine and tar. To be fair, she is very good about it - i have never ever had to ask her to go outside, she just does because she knows i don't like it.

TBH unless the old duck is senile, i wouldn't budge over this. She can either not smoke for an hour or so, which would be better because smokers give out toxins for quite a time after smoking, or she can go outside. Its HER choice to smoke.

Taking them out whenever she lit up wouldn't really be an option because she's practically a chain smoker, and she still wouldn't see them!

As you say she smokes so much that she'd have to be outside the whole time so you'd be back where you started.

Open a window when she smokes (if she smokes that much you'd need to anyway) and there's no serious risk for rare visits.

I know you won't like the smell either, but your only alternative is never to get together.

If she's in her own home, you can't kick her out of it to smoke! You need to take a rational view. Is there a real risk of harm to your children from half an hour once every couple months from cig smoke?

And while she won't compromise, that's not a reason to be stubborn, too. She's an old lady. I wouldn't take a baby round there, but older children, I think I would.

I don't blame you for finding it irritating, but stopping her seeing your children through stubborness, as opposed to a real risk of harm, seems a bit over the top.

goodness me is this about her smoking or you bullying an old woman.harsh to potentially deny gc access to granny because you are posturing about her smoking

hell,she eont be around for ever can you compromise for a brief visit

Fair enough Wondering. I really can see it from that point of view.

I'm not really talking so much about visiting her in her own home, but synchronising visits when she stays at her daughters/my mums.

But yes... perhaps I will just accept that it's only occasionally.

Still pisses me off though.

I wouldn't sit in a room with someone smoking, it makes my nose run, my eyes sting and the smell makes me feel sick, yuck

I certainly wouldn't inflict it on my kids

YANBU

I think bullying is a bit strong!
I do not alow smoking near my DC. End of.

Yes, see it's not possible for you to take the kids outside if she's chain smoking.

Sounds like you'll have to just grin and bear it, sadly. She sounds particularly stubborn, just like my old Gran. As far as she was concerned, it was all a big hoohah about nothing, she was 86 and it had done her no harm blah blah blah. I don't think you'll be able to persuade her otherwise tbh - perhaps masks for the kids when she arrives with her cancer sticks?

Offer to take her out for lunch - she won't be able to smoke then!

They don't live with her so it's not going to harm them. They get far more dangerous crap in their lungs on the drive over to her house!

The 'addiction' and 'too old to change/understand' things are crap - my darling (aged) Granddad was a chain-smoker since the age of 12 and he would smoke a lot less when around non-smokers and insist on smoking outside when he did, even though when he was very old, it took him ages to get there using his zimmer. Even if someone told him it didn't matter cos they were worried about him puffing away in the snow, or similar, he would insist. Being old doesn't give you a right to be rude and selfish. She's allowed to want to smoke and also to feel aggrieved that someone wants her to go outside, but she's not allowed to make everyone miserable because of something she doesn't actually have to do in front of them. One of the reasons my Gramps did this is that he did use to smoke around us when we were very little and in our teens we became asthmatic and allergic to cigarette smoke (and other stuff) and he blamed himself, even though we kept telling him it wasn't his fault (even if it was, we'd never have wanted him to know). Can you not lie and say that a Dr has said the kids shouldn't be around smoking? I mean, it's technically true, as passive smoking is bad for everyone, especially kids. Does she love nicotine or her GGC more, that's the question!

ehy suggest lying.any decenrt compromis isnt about lying "oh Dr said..."

if great gran has capacity, eants to smoke, makes an informed choice,weighs up all the evidence and still smokes that is up to her

i ould hope adults could compromise and cxritacally appraise that this her smoking - her is undseriable in op opinion.not in great grans opinion.hoever there are children involved and pragmatically given her age she is eont be around for ever.

so weighing it up.some visits with great gran puffing away or no visits because gran puffs away

it is an intrinsic part of her. i would advise compromise.kids visit her

I dont like people smoking around my kids, especially my son. If it was once in a while I would let it go but not on a regular basis. If I was seeing her every week it would drive me mad.