For being furious with my brother for using the n word

[TinyPawz]

My dd is mixed race, I'm white.

My ex left us when she was 4mnths old. He has seen her sporadically ever since. The last time he seen her was in August.

He doesn't contribute to her financailly.

The last straw has been that he is/was married to someone else when he married me.

Anyway, my ex phoned yesterday and I was telling my brother that he had been in touch.

He came out with a big rant ending with 'dirty fucking n....'

I am livid. Told him not to use that word and most certainly not in my company and within earshot of dd.

He doesn't think that he has done anything wrong. He doesn't think of my dd as black.

calmly and no more shouting explain to your brother,that is an offensive term.a term used for derision and one you don't wish to hear

does your ex wind up brother hence the offensive term.not making any excuses but when people don't like someone they let rip eg cunt/eanker etc

on a serious note is your ex being investigated for this alleged bigamy?

YANBU.

Whether or not he 'thinks of her as black' is fucking irrelevant. That's a shitty, racist thing to say about anyone. And you might want to point out that calling black people n^&*%s 'apart from my niece cos she isn't really black' is fucking ridiculous. Is he usually an ignorant racist?

that is what the phone call was about....the police are looking into it and I think he was trying to find out how much about our life together that I had told them.

my ex and brother used to be fairly close but then when we split all contact stopped. The brother is very protective of me and doesn't like to see me hurt. But that is no excuse for using that word.

YANBU - that word is seeped in years of hatred and bile and its not acceptable to ever be used IMO.

yanbu and that is out of order.

Hopefully he was just letting his emotions and his loyalty to you and his neice cloud his judgement and pulling him up on it will mean he thinks about what he says in the future.

Sometimes people say things in the privacy of family that they don't really mean and wouldn't actually hold if challenged about them.

Ignorant racist? sometimes.

firstly your Brother should not have used that word, just from what you have said about your EX there are an abundance of other words your DB could have used (all of which would suit).

Second your DD is not black she is mixed race, you would not call her white so why call her black

Lastly please don't consider letting this sorry excuse for a man back in to your life, I guess your DB is worried about you and his niece, hence the anger (all be it with the use of a stupid word)

What a stupid thing for him to say! "He doesn't think of her as black" so if he did, then that's what he'd call her too?

You need to tell him that he is never to use that word around you again. Also, ask him how would he feel if someone called her that and she came home sobbing about it?

nasty vile word.was it out of character for brother?has he ever displayed racist sentiments/behaviours/words before

do have that chat.he also needs to acknowledge your daughter heritage.

brother can protest all he wants,but he has done something wrong.why do you suppose he doesn't think he is in the wrong

I have explained lots of times not to used the word...but it really is like talking to a brick wall.

I said my piece and put dd coat on and left.

You did right!

Ok. you say he loves you.

This is what I would do, in this situation. I'd tell him that if he loves you, he must never use that word because it hurts you deeply. As well as being generally offensive! It causes you pain because it is a slur on your daughter, even if not directed at her. Tell him that if he loves you, like he claims to, he shouldn't want to cause you that pain.

And tell him that you feel so strongly that, much as you love him, if he truly can't do this for you, then you can't see him because your daughter must come first and you cannot and will not allow someone in her life who can't see how using that word could affect her.

you have been through a lot.more hassle landing in your lap isnt nice either.stand your ground.explain this is his niece and you dont want her hearing that derogatory talk

yanbu - that is a nasty word, used by ignorant, pathetic people.
it is a word that ignites anger and fear, and has long been associated with horrific actions.
your brother is well within his rights to be angry with your ex, but when he racially abuses your ex for being black he racially abuses everybody of black origin.

i sometimes feel it is me & dd against the world.

My mother and other brother was there too. Neither of them called him on it.

Tiny i feel like that too, im a single parent and have to do all the defending we need, and feel that people are alot quicker to attack when you're a smaller, more vulnerable family.
but the fact is that you stuck up for her, and you did a great job of it.
maybe you could email your mother and other brother explaining how such comments may really hurt your dd, and ask them to take a zero tolerance stance against such language for the sake of your dd, and any other child who might be the victim of racism?