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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be angry with dh? He thinks I am.

20 replies

TheInvisibleManDidIt · 14/01/2010 17:50

I will try to make this brief- I have a habit of going on when i'm angry.

Our childminder is off on holiday this week. I requested holidays from work but didn't get them as we are really busy. So asked DH if he would take 3 days holidays. I asked him about 3 weeks ago (I think it was just before christmas). He said that was fine. I asked him again at the start of the month. He said it was fine.

All he needed to do was take the boys to school, as I have to leave the house just after 7, and pick them up again. I'm home just after 4pm.Last week he said the school pick up on Tues may be a problem as he had arranged some interviews, but don't worry- he'll call his mum and ask if she can help.

This week as gone as follows.

Tues. Tried to call him at lunchtime. Call disconnected (he was doing interviews so fair enough). Texted him at 1445 to ask where his mum was taking the boys. Got a frantic phonecall that he'd forgotton to arrange someone to pick them up . Managed to get hold of my friend who has children at the same school and she collected them for me and watched them until I got home.

Wed. I'm sick at work and get sent home at 1pm. Call him to tell him (he's at work- not on holiday!) and he says that's fine so you can get the boys!! So he doesn't come home until 6pm

Thurs. Call him at lunchtime to check all's ok for the school pickup (he's at work again. To be fair he did say he was going in for a few hours today as his boss was coming up) He says he's called his dad to get the boys as he's busy.

So. AIBU to be angry at him for putting work over his children? He was really upset and worried on Tues so I didn't freak out like I wanted to as I thought he was punishing himself enough. Howwever the other two days, I feel, He's been completely ignorant about it and just expected that someone else will take responsibility so he can carry on working when he's meant to be on holiday!! He's still not home but when I told him I was annoyed over the phone I got the sigh and the it can't be helped.

What do you think. Trying to be calm before he gets home as I don't want to start an argument but I do want him to see he's been out of order this week.

OP posts:

alarkaspree · 14/01/2010 17:56

I think today's arrangement sounds fine in itself - he has found it's hard for him to take the time off work so has made other arrangements which sound fine. Wednesday it depends how unwell you were but if you weren't well enough to get the kids from school you could have said so at the time. Tuesday obviously you had a perfect right to be very annoyed, but I think you're now letting your annoyance over Tuesday spill into your reactions to the whole week, maybe because you held back at the time.

So yabu, a little bit. Sorry.

3littlefrogs · 14/01/2010 17:59

No excuse. Unless they really are hands on full time fathers they just think it is not their responsibility, because deep down they know, that however busy/ill/exhausted you are, you will sort it out for them.

YANBU, but I doubt you will convince your DH of this.

tiredlady · 14/01/2010 18:00

YANBU.
I would still be fuming over the fiasco of Tuesday. I would make him suffer for it for a LONG time.

bourboncreme · 14/01/2010 18:01

I think you are married to my dh,this is exactely the scenario we get into.I think YANBU ,he has just assumed that when push came to shove someone else would deal ,you don't do that ,effectively he has ducked the issue....Grrr you can tell this has hit a raw nerve with me

LIZS · 14/01/2010 18:01

Apart from Tuesday , when he could have got hold on someone else but panicked insetead, I'm not sure what the problem is. He learnt from it and has covered drop off/pick up if not himself by making other arrangements.

Haggisfish · 14/01/2010 18:04

YANBU I don't think. I have similar fears about ths sort of thing happening when my baby is born - men do just seem to think wmen will sort it all out. you should not be having to phone and text to ensure he has organised stuff - you should be able to just trust him to sort it out.

I take it these holiday days won't count as holiday and he can take them at some other time then, as he has been into work?! I bet not, so he's 'failed' on two counts - one to spend his holidays doing something useful with family and two, to actually use his holidays as holidays!

Sorry if I sound harsh - don't mean to be!

thisisyesterday · 14/01/2010 18:04

hmm Tues was BAD! very bad, it;'s the kind of thing my dp would do

the other 2 days though were fine surely. you could have said no, i am ill, you have to collect them and presumably he would have done so, as he'd planned.

and thurs he had arranged for someone to get them

so yes, I do think you;'re being a bit unreasonable. I totally understand where you're coming from, because dp is the same. work always seems to come first. but in this case your DH had arranged for the kids to be collected, so i don't see that it matters if he was working or not?

does he have a tough time at work? I get cross with dp a lot, but tbh he is the only one in his office doing what he does, which means that if he is away the work just piles up, so i can understand why he wants to go in

Lulumama · 14/01/2010 18:05

agre with liz and alarkspree. yes tuesday was a problem but othter than that. you are all muddling through, with illness and no CM and he has been nervous surely fo rhis interviews?

no point making him suffer for a long time, but a convo about remembering to do important stuff like arrange the school pick up is in order

Original poster

TheInvisibleManDidIt · 14/01/2010 18:05

Alarkspree, I was really ill at work- had spent the day struggling to keep my head off my desk and then was physically sick. As soon as I was sick though I felt alot better. Would have stayed at work but they've had high sickness recently and are worried about us spreading it. So yeah, I was ok to get the boys. I just think it was the immediate relief from him that I'd get them which annoyed me.

He's just left work now. So much for holidays.

OP posts:

fernie3 · 14/01/2010 18:10

YANBU he said he had holidays and so even if he couldnt take them for whatever reason he should have made sure proper arrangements were in place. I dont see why it is more your responsibility than his if you also work tbh. What the point calling you at work when you clearly cant leave !

Original poster

TheInvisibleManDidIt · 14/01/2010 18:11

Oh, the interviews were him interviewing potential employees- not him going for interviews. If that were the case I'd have made other plans myself.

Ok, so maybe I am letting tues annoyance simmer. But then, if he told me last week taking hols this week was a problem it would have been fine. His work isn't overly stressful. He has loads of hols to take as his last ones were July.

Probably I'm just being bitter as I have to use all my hols to fit around school hols, childminder hols, and when he goes away for meetings (like next week).

OP posts:

coppit · 14/01/2010 18:33

I'd tell him if he can't do 50% at home, then you will resign and not work anymore.

If both parents are working, children are the responsibility of both parents. He doesn't seem to get it.

Heracles · 14/01/2010 21:30

yanbu: he needs to sort out his priorities, frankly.

mamas12 · 14/01/2010 23:59

Next time don't chase him up. If it was his responsibility to do the school run and he didn't do it then the fall out from that would be down to him.
Now I know you don't want your dcs to be left at school wondering wth but really his responsibility.

thumbwitch · 15/01/2010 00:14

YANBU (where have you been, btw? Haven't seen you around for a while )

If he SAID he was going to take holidays, then he really should have done so. If it was going to be a problem, then he should have said THAT and allowed you to make proper alternative arrangements. I can't be doing with fathers who only do childcare when it fits around their job, not the other way around. Father = responsible for DC just as much as mother, imo.

thesecondcoming · 15/01/2010 00:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

TheInvisibleManDidIt · 15/01/2010 09:31

TW!! How the hell are you? I've been here occasionally. On crazy shifts just now so not been around for the twilight zone. How did the move go?

Coppit I would love to resign Unfortunately need my wages though. He said he'd ok'd the holiday with his boss, but had forgotton he'd arranged the interviews.

He had a moan last night when I told him how much I'd had to pay our childminder this month because of all the extra days she's watched the children over the holidays. Think I need to point out to him we'd save a lot of money with childcare if he'd use up some of the days off he's due. (didn't last night as it would have ended in an argument I think)

His mum phoned last night- fil had told her what had happened on tues (the boys told him)so will let her speak to him about it. She was not a happy bunny! He'll be going over to them at some point over the weekend as I'm working so sure she'll give him an earbashing talk to him then.

Thanks for listening to me vent!

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 15/01/2010 09:57

no probs matey! Move went ok, have been here nearly 5m, and am coming back next week for 3 weeks, mostly to do my tax return (poor planning on my part). Twilight zone is still going but I post on it at my twilight now, which is mostly the middle of the day for you Northern Hemispherers so look out for it! here's the current thread if you fancy bookmarking

Hopefully · 15/01/2010 11:06

Presumably these holidays won't be taken out of his annual allowance, as he was actually at work?

FWIW I would be blardy FUMING with DP if he did this (although I may have a tendency to slightly overreact) and he would have some serious making up to do, to me and DS.

Original poster

TheInvisibleManDidIt · 15/01/2010 11:52

No he's still got all his holiday allowance.

He's always been a bit of a work-aholic so I'm always the one that has to make sure all the child care is organised. The one time I leave it to him he messes it up. Ok, to be fair he didn't mess up wed and thurs, but he still wouldn't take the time to get them himself.

OP posts:

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