to be annoyed at in-laws

[Abihattie]

My MIL has always made it clear that she doesn't approve that we co-sleep with my baby. I had months of hell with my eldest following the 'normal' rules of society that babies should be in their own beds asap. I was weary running up and down all night BFeeding and trying to get LO off to sleep (no prob for DH of course). This time I have followed my instincts and it's working beautifully. She's not ready (& neither am I) to go in her own cot yet.
Ok - so we're going to visit them this weekend (they live 4 hrs drive away) and she's phoned me this morn to tell me that they're going out to buy a bloody cot as H cannot possibly share the single bed with me (done it several times without any problem with both my girls) arrghh.. why can't they trust me to know how to look after my own kids??!! AIBU??

No.
It's got fuck all to do with her.
Just don't get involved in justifying yourself.Stuck record mode helps.
'This is what we are doing' and smile.
It's hard to maintain but very effective.

Cheeky bitch!

Because she thinks she knows better, let her buy it, let her waste her money and do not use it. Smile sweetly and leave it completely untouched...... not worth a fight but so worth the the win!

YANBU.
If you can't face telling her to bog off, just shut yourself in the bedroom with dd, co-sleep as usual (I still cosleep in a single bed with my 6 yr old when necessary) and leave clear signs the cot hasn't been used.

I'd just leave her to it, even sit there and watch her put it together if she wants, and then don't use it!

I agree let her buy a cot and co sleep anyway. Its nothing to do with her. Use the cot to keep your suitcase in.

YANBU in being annoyed with her. However, one (almost always unavoidable) element of being a parent is other people telling you to do things differently. These people often being relatives who had their children a very long time ago and who will not accept that ways of doing things might have changed.

But you don't need to take any notice of this interference. So stop even considering whether your MIL thinks you are untrustworthy (she just "knows best" I expect) and carry on doing what suits you and your family. If she sets up a cot you don't have to use it.

Sorry to be thick - but do you mean that you, DH and baby will all be sleeping in one single bed if you don't use the cot?

Genuinely - aside from your issue with the inlaws and the cot - is that not going to be a bit of a squeeze!?

Mine are like this too. When we visited them last (and stayed in a hotel cos they weren't quite moved in) they said 'of course when you visit next time she'll sleep in there' (pointing to a cot). Er no she bloody won't and if you won't listen we won't stay with you. End of. I'm not having my daughter screaming the place down all night because she's in a strange bed without us when we'd have potentially a 6hr drive home the next day just to satisfy the wishes of someone who sees my kids 3 times a year, if that. I know that comes across as quite bad-mannered and that guests shouldn't dictate what arrangements their hosts make for them, but neither should hosts force upon guests arrangements which they know are going to cause problems, just to make a bloody point.
(And breathe...)

The cot will hopefully be useful eventually anyway so just let her buy it if it makes her happy. Agree make it obvious it hasn't been used though.

We got ILs a Freecycle cot when I was pregnant to use in the future but told them it wouldn't be used for ages. They paid someone to paint it (it was an Ikea one - cheaper to buy a new one), decked it out with White Company accessories and showed it to all their friends. It took ten weeks before they started complaining about the beautiful cot not being used and why couldn't they have exclusively bf DD for the night - agh!

Thanks all. I needed some words of encouragement as it's driving me round the bend. They've always been the interferring type unfort

Oh dear my last post was a bit shouty. Coloured by current issues with inlaws (they were utterly vile to DS when they visited recently, and he's crushed ).
Meant to say simply YANBU

I dont understand this, why are your sleeping arrangements such a problem to her?
Surely as long as you're not planning to get into her bed for the night she shouldnt worry about it!
I say let her buy the cot and just dont use it. If you dont want to get into disagreements just nod and say "yes, very nice" when she asks about the cot the next morning.
Then you are both happy!

Coffeemum - yes it's just me & my 6mo in the single bed next to a wall.

Just to give you an idea of how interferring they can be - when we were looking to buy a house years ago we took both sets of parents to have a look at it. BIG MISTAKE - IL's brought a note pad & tape measure - measured all the rooms & made us a 'plan' on graph paper with pieces of card to represent the furniture so that we could decide where to put the settee etc!!! I don't think I've ever quite got over that one. She then got uppity with me cos I wouldn't look at the damn thing.
Before our wedding she tried to organise a choir for the service 'as a surprise' even though we'd told her we didn't want one.

Sorry for rant - I need to calm down now
Thanks for listening

My mum is none the wiser that my baby spends half the night in the bed. I knew it would be an issue so never mentioned it. You could of you wanted to compromise put the cot up and take the side off and sleep in the cot with yr daughter. I bought a cosatto close to me and works for us as I weaning him into cot. Mind you I got told off by my mum for not putting him to bed at 8pm. He stays up till 11 and then will sleep in till 9. She tried to put him to bed at 7 and gave up after half hour! Do as others have said and smile sweetly

Just out of interest where do your other DC and DH sleep when you vist?

One of teh joys of parenting is that someone else always thinks they know better. Unless you relish the confrontation say nothing, sleep in the bed with your DC and think nothing more of it. Your MIL will be none the wiser - unless you MIL comes into the room at night to check sleeping arangements in which case the cot is not the problem!

Ah if only we could use the 'don't use it, don't tell them' solution with my ILs. They have decided that DD will not only be in her own cot if we stay with them, but in her own room too.
Abihattie - I feel your pain. Mine (esp SFIL) will spend the bulk of any visit informing me that certain bits of furniture should be moved, that we have too much stuff, I have too many shoes and clothes, I should get rid of the rabbit hutch and should never consider having another pet...
Oh and despite barely knowing my kids (they see them 2-3 times a year - their choice not mine I hasten to add) they ALWAYS know what they want/how they feel/what they're capable of better than DH and I do. Grrrr.

Oh right! I thought three in a single bed would be a bit ambitious.

Good luck with the MIL - i tend to think the nod, smile and do exactly what you want approach is the best way forward in most situations. They do sound a bit control freaky for my liking!

Chill out a bit and try and see it that your ILs want to be involved and helpful - in their eyes! Of course we can see that it's intensely irritating but I doubt they do the things they do to be deliberately intrusive, I think it's just the way they try and demonstrate their care for you all.

Remember as well that their generation didn't do extended BFing, co-sleeping etc so it's pretty alien to them. It's not necessarily about them wanting you to do it their way, it's probably just the only way they know.

Tell them again to save their money as your baby sleeps with you and you have no need for a cot. If they insist then make it clear it won't be used and then just do your own thing.

Why does your MIL have issues with you co-sleeping? Does she think that your bubba will still be sleeping in with you in sixteen years time or something??

Seriously though, I suggest you take a few cleansing breaths and give her a ring before she goes to the shops and buys this cot. If she buys the thing and then you don't use it she'll feel like her money's been wasted and this won't help the atmosphere. Explain that co-sleeping is what is working for you as you're still BF-ing, you don't get squashed and baby will really hate being in a cot. Lay it on thick about having a frightened child screaming the place down all night - if she values her shut-eye she'll soon back down!

To be fair, there has been a bit of publicity lately about co-sleeping and the dangers to babies. Having said that, my 3 all slept with me and DH from newborn - much easier when you're breast-feeding. We did keep a cot alongside the bed which we would sometimes transfer a heavily asleep baby to, but they always spent most of the night in our bed. We then progressed to having a single bed alongside our double for the overspill as no.s 2 and 3 arrived!

But my dad, who is a retired policeman, used to give me terrible grief over this. He reckoned he had to deal with several cases of 'overlay' when he was a pc - ie where a baby had been in bed with an adult and suffocated by them. I'm afraid I just went with what felt right and tried to make sure he didn't realise how much they were in our bed. When I visited him and my mum they had a cot next to my bed, which I would dutifully put baby in at the start of the night while there was a risk of heads being popped round bedroom doors to say good night, and then transfer them to my bed later.

Let your MIL provide a cot. At the very least they're quite useful to pop an awake baby in while you're in the bathroom etc. Or during the day - safer then leaving them sleeping on a bed that they could roll off.

Nancydrewrocks - DH will sleep in a single bed in another room. Toddler will be in another single bed in the same room as me and baby.

Clairefromsteps - I've insisted that they don't buy a cot as it's a waste of money. I don't know what else I can do.

I really think that I'm going to have to be a bit abrupt to put an end to their comments. When I try and explain things nicely - it never seems to have much affect hmm

Why are people so bothered about this? Why can they not just accept that you co sleep, that is how you are raising your baby, and you don't need a cot?

People can be so stubborn re this issue, 'rod for your own back', 'your dc will never (doom laden tone of voise) go in their own bed'.

DD is 14 now and I can assure you she sleeps in her own bed. She tripped into her own bed by her own choice when she was 3. Csame in for mummycuddles on and off for a couple of years, however she wouldn't be seen dead in my bed now.

Agree with others than OP should just nod and smile and then just use the cot to store your bags in. Unless she is the type to barge in your bedroom, wrestle the baby out of your arms and put her in the cot (in which case a cot is the least of your problems) there is not much else she can do is there?

Agree with others - just don't use it, ignore it, no comments or anything. You could put your bags in it to keep them out of hte way though.

Abihattie, I think your mil is from the same mould as mine. We tread on each other's toes constantly, as she considers my ds's sleeping, feeding and general development as her concern. I do not mind this at all - in fact it's great when she is supportive and interested. But, like yours, my mil is aghast at some of my practices - routine bedtimes, treats only rarely, discipline etc.

She can't hold back and gets very huffy when I turn down her offers as they are not always the right thing.

We had a massive power struggle over the fact we left my ds's baby duvet behind last time we went to stay - she wanted to post it back - I said no, we'll get a new one - she kept raising it despite my clear answer. In the end I pulled the shutters down and told dh to deal with it - cue a row with him as he thinks I am not being reasonable to ignore mil. She pushes me to the limit because she does not accept me at my word - I kind of feel it is disrespectful to a person not to let them bring up their kids in their own way.

So, you are not alone, YANBU.I've concluded that it is down to dh to deal with things beyond a certain point and to support me regarding my decisions rather than sit on the fence(this is a work in progress btw!). I am trying to practice forbearance as I see she is not going to change and will probably continue to make judgements about me and my parenting.