Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think "pushy parents" need sorting out?

66 replies

Spannerweb · 14/01/2010 01:37

By pushy parents, I mean the ones whose eight-year-old daughter virtually lives at stage school or whose clever son has extra tuition in maths, with a view to him achieving a Master's by the time he is twelve.

They crucify these poor kids in a quest to have everyone acknowledge their talent as if it were their own.

I would happily have a quiet word and point these things out... free of charge.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 14/01/2010 11:55

lola, yes of course one wouldn't wish that. But I am talking about the general and the fact that one person's/culture's pushiness is another's "encouragement."

mrstimlovejoy · 14/01/2010 12:08

my dd who's 5 goes dancing,swimming and gymnastics every week but i don't push her to go it's because she wants to and she enjoys being with other children.
if at any time she said that she didn't want to go i wouldn't push her to change her mind.

lolapoppins · 14/01/2010 12:09

I see what you are saying.

I had a funny perspective on it all as my mother was half Indian. Amongst her Indian friends/family it was almost seen as shameful if one of your children didn't end up working in medicine.

My dad is English and was always telling her not to push me, but, he went too far the other way and didn't encourage me with anything I wanted to get involved with.

I think that is the reason friends accuse me of pushing ds. I wanted to act/sing/play instruments etc but my dad would never pay for or take me to classes. I can see what it looks like to my friends when I am ferrying ds around to classes and auditions, but I am not living my life through him, he just happens to be a lot like I was as a child and interested in the same things I was, and if he wants to make the most of it I won't stop him.

Hullygully · 14/01/2010 12:13

See that is even more interesting, lola, because obviously I was thinking largely of Asian culture, and you reacted against that and yet are now accused of pushiness yourself. Why do your friends call you pushy? Are they home ed friends? (Looked at your profile! I am a v big Ray Bradbury fan too. You can now do no wrong in my eyes) Don't their dc do anything?

ImSoNotTelling · 14/01/2010 12:22

hully isn't it something to do with the victorians deciding that "childhood" was a special time and making a big thing about it, bringing in schooling and toys and father christmas or whatever (this is a vague memory i will have to look it up). Before that happened children had worked as soon as they were old enough. So that is true that the way we view "childhood" as a time for play and fun stems from that in this country.

ImSoNotTelling · 14/01/2010 12:23

this sort of idea I think it stems from. You are right it is a cultural thing, albeit one that we exported to lots of other countries.

Hullygully · 14/01/2010 12:26

Indeed. And mainly I think that human beings are happiest when actively engaged and feeling part of society and that they are doing useful work. The devil makes work for idle hands etc. And we are the type of species that feels happiness at improvement and achievement, so why not encourage that?

HowManyTimesDoIHaveTo · 14/01/2010 12:29

tulpe! that was me as a child. I did get to love skiing, god knows how as those holidays were awful

HowManyTimesDoIHaveTo · 14/01/2010 12:33

There are parents (you know who you are who regard their children as a project. They are not. Unfortunately for those parents, children are individuals with their own POV. It's when that POV gets overridden or ignored that the problems start.

lolapoppins · 14/01/2010 12:35

Hully - Well, I don't usually advertise the fact that we home ed, so I usually get remarks from people I don't know all that well at ds activities when he or I mention that he is doing something every night (usually when I am having a moan about petrol). They obviously think he's at school all day and then out at activities all evening, which is not something I would do if he was at school, I would have to limit it then.

Most of my 'friend' friends who call me pushy, don't have children yet themselves. I don't think they understand that a 7 year old child can sometimes have very specific ideas on things they want to get involved in, and they all work whereas I don't and I think they think I am sacrificing my life to enable him to do the things he does.

I have also had the comment that I home ed so I can take him out to auditions and have more time if he gets work - that is not true at all! He was HE well before all this started.

The other home ed people I know tend to do a lot with their kids in the way of after school clubs anyway, so they haven't been such a problem.

ZZZenAgain · 14/01/2010 12:38

hmm well I don't know where you draw the line between making it possible for your dc to discover and further thair talents /interests and reach their academic potential (if school alone isn't sufficient) and when you cross that line into negative pushiness.

we all recognise a pushy parent well enough though.

Saw a documentary on this type of thing. Mother had her dd doing Latin American dance. i think she was 7. She had to take part in a competition although she was ill with fever. "She can cope" the mother said. "You can dance with fever" the dancing instructor said. "I've done it myself many times".

That's pushiness for me, I think the mother had lost the plot since she was not longer considering the well-being of her dc. I don't buy any defence on the lines, "her dd would have been so disappointed to miss the competition" etc. Parents have to show some responsibility and when dc are pushed too far it's definitely harmful.

If dc are neglected, SS may step in. Who steps in to help the dc who is being pushed too far too fast? No one.

whelk · 14/01/2010 12:39

There is nothing wrong with encouraging your child if it something they have chosen to do.

My mum was pushy and would only pay for music lessons and tennis (which she was interested in not me) and made me stick at it.

I hated every single miseralbe minute of both. I was crap at both and was the only child at the tennis club not going to private school.

The misery of being crap, poor and not ever having the right kit but having to keep on going to please my mum has meant that I am determined not to be pushy with my own dds.

I have never and will never pick up a violin or tennis racket again in my life!

My dds can do what they want as a hobby. I would encourage them as much as possible to work hard in school as this impacts on your future choices. But extra-curricular stuff is for fun!!

HowManyTimesDoIHaveTo · 14/01/2010 12:40

"If dc are neglected, SS may step in. Who steps in to help the dc who is being pushed too far too fast? No one. "

Good point. Nice mc class parents who are involved in their child's life - so can't be anything wrong.

Sassybeast · 14/01/2010 12:41

It definately needs the balance that others mention. And it's a fine line between encouraging a child to stick at something and wanting to throttle them because they've decided they 'don't want to doooooo it anymore' when you've shelled out for the ballet/guitar/horse riding lessons with a non refundable deposit

Totally with you on things like sking holidays though - I've seen lots of sobbing, tired kids sliding miserably down a nursery slope.

I think if a child has a really natural flair for an activity, then it's too easy to assume that if the parents commit to gymnastics club 3 nights a week and all day Saturday 9as in my friends case) then the parents are being pushy. But friends DD is a fantastic gymnast - she's tipped for real success and she absolutely loves it. Friend trails around to displays etc because her daughter loves it so much - not because she is in any way pushy.

ZZZenAgain · 14/01/2010 12:41

agree with hully too that the definition of going too far is culture-dependent. My dad has a great friend from Korea. Atm I have been instructed to find out how he can apply to the Yehudi Menuhin school since the mum is not good at English.

He attends Korean school and has to get top marks in everything. It is expected of him. After that he attends a private Engish language school and after that he has 2 hours of piano. Then he is expected to go home, do homework and swot on top of it.

Compared to that my dd is living the life of Riley.

secretgardin · 14/01/2010 13:09

i want my dc to have a well rounded education, as well as the understanding that hard work and dedication are important in life if they want to reach their full potential. ds started off with 4 after school clubs a week and after a month he decided which ones he enjoyed and wanted to continue. football, piano and swimming. i have had the comments of "oh, you do keep him busy" but the fact is that he is there because he wants to be and as he is hypermobile it keeps his limbs subtle as well, which is a bonus. he wants to join another club next year, but i like having him at home. ds wants to be indiana jones, a footballer, a famous pianist, a teacher, an author, gardener or santa when he grows up. who am i to stop him

Mongolia · 14/01/2010 13:22

I would rather being considered pushy than uninterested in DS' development.

I believe that children should be allowed to pursue their interests (as long as they are also not allowed to drop them at will -like when is cold, when they can't be bothered or because it turned out to be boring-. There is something about self discipline and responsible choices to be learned from those classes too, I let DS choose, but he is not allowed to stop something mid way, he can only opt out at the start of a new set of sessions.

Lancelottie · 14/01/2010 13:29

Hmmm. I think I have one foot in each camp here. I suspect I'm guilty of pushing DD to try things she isn't keen on (music, sport) as well as the nice safe familiar things she'd prefer to spend all her time on (drawing, reading). With DS, on the other hand, it's more a case of saying No to at least half the clubs and drama sessions he'd like to do. He seems to come home most weeks bearing an activity flyer and a big grin, saying 'Can I go to this? Can I? It's drama/judo/youth band, cannicannicanni pleeeeease?'

The odd thing is, DD is probably a lot more talented (certainly in music) than DS, just much less confident and keen. And it would be ever so convenient if the two of them would go to the SAME things sometimes ...

MillyR · 14/01/2010 13:44

A lot of this is just envy, surely?

A lot of this seems to be based on a misunderstanding that dance, music, maths etc are some kind of specialist activity that is a lifestyle choice rather just an ordinary part of cultural life for many families.

Myself, my father and my son have always done lots of code breaking and maths puzzles at home. We didn't do it to make him exceptional at Maths - we just do it because we enjoy Maths.

I think it is a sad reflection on the cultural life of this country if people think that doing perfectly ordinary things like enjoying listening to and performing music are some sort of example of pushy parenting.

Miggsie · 14/01/2010 13:49

I think that parents trying to live their dreams through their kids are worse, as they do not notice their child, just the chld they think they should have.

Yes, I've met the "he will be a downhill skier" parent, the child was still in the womb at that point.

Bonsoir · 14/01/2010 13:54

Obviously some lazy parents accuse normally enthusiastic, encouraging parents of pushiness in order to feel better about their own failings...

Bonsoir · 14/01/2010 13:56

LOL Miggsie, my MOL's first words upon seeing her first born grandchild (DSS1) were, apparently, "Et celui-ci fera Polytechnique!" (Polytechnique is France's most prestigious engineering school and, for many people, the summum of all possible academic achievement).

ImSoNotTelling · 14/01/2010 14:05

i'm going to end up a bit pushy. i can feel it coming on...

i have promised myself to try and keep a lid on it

smallorange · 14/01/2010 17:40

I don't think it's about music and sport etc notbeing part of normal family life - it is,certainly for us.
But I think some parents' expectations are WAY too high. I think there is a certain X factorisation of these activities, that where I learned piano and oboe to a reasonably competent level for personal enjoyment, there now seems to an attitude that your child may have some un-tapped talent somewhere and therefore you must hawk them round sodding ski school or childrens' opera or flamenco or David beckham soccer school aged just 5.

And the misconception that if you work hard enough, you can achieve stardom. Sadly life ain't like that. Everyone iknow who gas achieved in these arenas, has had raw talent evident to everyone.

I don't think this is true of being a lawyer, accountant etc. Hard work will get you there in the end. Schoolfriends who were the children of immigrants were pushed and pushed academically and many gave good careers now. I don't blame their parents for wanting to spare their children the ordeal ofmini cabbing all night or cleaning the floor at victoria station.

Hullygully · 14/01/2010 18:14

Push push
In the bush