to find demanding friends a little strange?

[TootsieSmith]

I have just been watching Sex & The City. It is the episode where Carrie is having a whinge that no one has anytime for her anymore and they all go to Atlantic City. All through the episode she is saying how it is such a shame for her that they don't see as much of each other. Miranda has a baby, Charlotte's just got divorced...and she still seems to think it's her that its a shame for!
Anyway, it is not about the programme (although I do find Carrie very annoying!) It just triggered something in me, and made me think about how demanding friends can be sometimes. Since I had DD, some of my friends who don't have children cannot understand why I don't want to go to clubs, go on weekends away, and why sometimes I just want to relax with my daughter and DH - not them.
I do love my friends, but they are not my world as is with some women. Like plenty of you I'm sure, I have a toddler, my own business, health problems and a house to clean, so really my friends are my last priority. I find it very strange and suffocating when friends are so demanding on each others time, that dynamic we see in Sex & The City, and Friends...it's just not realistic surely? What do you all think? Am I just odd not wanting to be involved in everything my friends do? I'm much happier having a brew with my mum!

If you think cleaning your house comes before your friends you either have VERY boring friends or are just plain odd.

Yes, friends can be dfemanding and if they sap your energy or are more hard work than pleasure to be around then by all means don't bother with them but it's also important to value the true friends you have as they can be a real lifeline during your life and IME parenthood is a time when you often realise the true friendships you have and how important they are so think twice before dismissing every catch up and get-together that is suggested or you might find that no-one asks anything of you - ever again!
That sounds vomit-worthy but hopefully YKWIM!
Oh and they're also good for going on weekends away with when you are ready to do that.
FWIW the character of Carrie is supremely selfish and self absorbed IMO!

Libras said it so much better than me - and with less words
I'd postpone cleaning in favour of an invitation from friend anytime.

One of my friends is like that. for example she bought tickets to a dance event in dublin in march (didn't ask me if i wanted to go, just bought the ticket assuming it would be ok).
She didn't ask me if this venue suited me, i dont have a passport, so thats an extra expense along with hotels and flights.
I dont have that kind of money to shell out.

When i found out the same event was on in scotland i was livid!

Depends on personality and priorities surely?

Personally I think YANBU but that's what I'm like

I wasn't literally saying that I spend my time hoovering whilst everyone else is out having a good time, I was demonstrating the point that just like plenty of you I'm sure, I have a busy life.I don't dismiss every invitation, I see a great deal of them - and that is why it frustrates me that when I do just need to be getting on with other things, thats a problem. I would never be upset with anybody else for not dropping everything for me, I stay in touch and see them a reasonable amount, just not every weekend like when we were teenagers!

Yes I'm sure your right ImSoNotTelling, it may just be a clash of personalities, most of my friends don't have any big responsibilities so I can understand how they would maybe find me frustrating!

my friends are FAR more important to me than cleaning my house... and actually i find being with them relaxing and restorative. i wouldn't be friends with them otherwise.

most of mine are not that local so i can go weeks without seeing them but i always enjoy our weekends away or holidays together.

Then maybe I am just strange, but I would am not interested in weekends away now I have a daughter. Nights out yes, but I don't enjoy leaving her. I always have a nicer time with my family. I am possibly just out growing them.

tootsie I am with you on this and I'm sorry to the see other posters dismiss the important examples you gave: running a business, health problems (which is draining in itself) and looking after a toddler - so no, yanbu with the fact you don't fancy seeing your friends EVERY weekend and it certainly doesn't mean you don't value them.

In my experience, friends without children are the most difficult to please regarding meet ups, they remind me of how I was before I had children: selfish.

thankyou tiredsville

It does seem like other posters picked up on the least important thing I gave as an example. I am glad I am not the only one. I find it very annoying when I get friends being off with me for not making every gathering, as it seems they don't try and understand why. I should have probably mentioned that they are reguarly invited round for coffee etc, but hardly ever actually come, I suspect they may find it boring, but I never complain about it, thats just the way it is. I do value them, they are just not my whole world.

I do relate with the OP, actually. I do find that some of my friends set their expectations too high, especially since I've had kids and they haven't. They want spontaneity and lots of frivolous and expensive nights out. I don't. I can't.

Life is busy - working full time, making time for your children and partner, fulfilling other obligations you might have (looking after parents, voluntary work etc) - and although I think it is important to value your good friends and to make time for them, I am only one little person. I can't be everywhere all the time.

The best friends I have in my life are the grown up, low maintenance ones. The ones who know you're there for each other in a crisis and who, even if you haven't seen them for weeks, still feel like your sister. The ones who whine about not being your priority or make you feel bad abpout not giving them enough of your time....well, in my experience, they have to go eventually. Life is too short.

I agree, some of my friends not all, didn't really bother with me on my first pregnancy but still asked me to go out after I'd had the baby and now I'm pregnant again and feel like a hippo I'm not so keen on going out and so they don't ask me to do anything anymore and didn't even come to my sons 1st birthday, so why should I make an effort I prefare to spend my time with people i have more in common with now like family and a handfull of friends that want to get together for an hour because sometimes that is enough when you have so much to do

i don't leave my family for weekends away - we take them with us too

DP became good friends with my friends when we started dating and as babies have joined the families they've joined the group.

we are a really laid back bunch though - i've always found it great that we can share chalets and self catering places with non-sleeping babies and over-excited toddlers and never have any tension or agro. someone is always up for a long walk with the kids and someone else for staying behind in the peace and quiet and cooking.

MrsMattie you have hit the nail on the head. That is exactly what I was trying to say, it's that 'Let's drop everything and do this' attitude which bothers me, and I am not up to going for cocktails at the hilton every month. Can't afford it, and when I do get time to do something I'd much rather go and watch a film I've been dying to see, or have a nice meal. I also have friends who I can go a while without seeing, but when I do it is like we have never been apart.

I agree with you totally too.

I've been there, seen it, done it, before I had DD and I'm not interested in doing it now.

Well, atually that's a slight lie! I'm just starting to enjoy a social life more now, but I've kinda come out the other side of being a full time parent. DD is a teenager now and is usually out and I have more disposable income.

I still only mean going out for evening etc. I'm not interested in spending all weekend with a bunch of girlies at Butlins, which seems to be the done thing with some of my girl friends atm. They come back from a hellava weekend and frankly look like they've been dug up for a week!

tootsie, YANBU.

I don't go out in the evenings unless it is unavoidable. Friends with children understand that - it is the unspoken rule anyway.

Friends without children, well, they will learn soon enough.

I don't want to see someone every month, much less every week. I have too much going on in my life that takes priority over them.