To want to get out of this

[Guttering]

I have namechanged.

I often get a bit down in the dumps as we don't have many people to babysit. Actually we have one, and this is done as a reciprocal arrangement, so if she doesn't ask me to babysit for her, I don't feel as if I can ask her to do it for me IYSWIM. I reckon we get to go out about three times a year. More than some, I know.

Recently we were invited to a party and couldn't go because of lack of babysitter (DH went alone).

I was talking to someone about our problem, and how frustrating and isolating it could be. He mentioned another couple he knew, implying that they were in the same boat. They have younger children than me, and I said to let them know that I could babysit, not often, but just so they could get out once in a while as I didn't want them to feel as low and trapped as I had done - and still do. I don't want payment, and wouldn't expect them to reciprocate, I just thought it would be nice to do a favour to someone who desperately needed it as I've "been there." And am still there.

Anyway I met the lady and really liked her and the children were lovely. The trouble was that while we were talking it was quite clear that she has quite a lot of people to babysit. She was asking me "Can you do XX day because other people I know can't?" and mentioned several times about various people who have looked after the children and will be looking after the children.

I came away feeling that not only am I no further forward in my own search for a babysitter but now I have lumbered myself with babysitting for a more-or-less complete stranger (although she is very nice) for nothing and spending even less time with my DH than I do already, when she doesn't seem all that desperate for help.

I know I am BU, as I have said I will do it, but I do so wish I could get out of it.

Sometimes it does feel as though life shits on us nice people and only ever gives to the pushy, grabby takers.

You did a really, really nice thing offering to babysit for this stranger, you are a nice person.

Babysit for her. If you don't want to do it again then you don't have to and you don't have to feel any guilt about letting anybody down either.

The other thing that worried me a bit is that she was telling me about someone else who used to babysit for her and how awful they were.

I have no reason to doubt what she said was true, but it crossed my mind that it might not be true and she might say the same about me if I babysat once and wouldn't again. Or that she would think I didn't like her or her children, which I do.

BTW she may well be expecting to pay me. Just because I am not expecting payment, it does not mean she knows this. We did not talk about money.

Oh poo . I don't want to do this.

I think I also am generally anxious about being put in charge of children I don't know.

It does seem a tricky one, when you were trying to do a nice thing for someone, it seems like she is taking the piss a bit if she already has other people to babysit. Could you do it once, then next time find (or make up) an excuse. She may get the message then. Like you say she is a stranger so its not like its your best friend or something.

Or maybe when you see/talk to her next about this, ask her if she could then babysit for you on xx date - even it it means you and your dh just picking an evening to go out one night? would at least then get the reciprocal arrangement discussed?

If she's expecting to pay you, then you can say straight out that it sounds like your mutual friend and you must have been talking at cross purposes because you were looking for somebody to set up a babysitting exchange scheme with, you absolutely weren't looking for babysitting work!

the 'talking at cross purposes' can be a very useful line for nobody having to take the blame in such situations, it's one of those few sentences that I have managed to stick in my brain to pull out when needed.

You could even (if you were really brave!) ring her up and say that you'd been talking to your dh and he mentioned that it sounded as if you had been talking at x-p because there was no mention of finding out when she could come to you (eg she might already have a regular committment on a weds night at a book club or something) and use it to sound her out.

good luck!

Thanks dopeydoot (and others).

Actually I didn't really want her to reciprocate, I offered to help as I thought she was too frazzled and knackered by having lots of small children to reciprocate. I got the impression she hadn't been able to get out with her DH in years.

She seems to have been out with her DH more in the last year than I have managed in nine

I guess that was my misunderstanding as I was saying to this other person that I was so fed up with never getting to go out and getting quite low about it - their response was to tell me all about this other couple that needed help (so I guess I assumed that they were in a worse position than me) and I felt I had to say I could help out. I did joke to DH when he came home: "I was telling X all about our babysitting problems and guess what! I haven't got a babysitter for us but I have ended up volunteering to babysit for someone else!"

Anyway none of this is this lady's fault.

I think you have two choices here:

do it, but say that you'd like it to be reciprocal. I dont think that is unreasonableand be honest and explain why, if she says no, she is mean!

or

get out of it, lie if needs be

I have zero babysitters too , know how you feel

Its easy to talk yourself into commitments isn't it !! The best thing to do is back out straight away without starting something you really don't want/need.

Lying about illness is always a good one, make sure it's long term and unreliable (i.e never know when I'm going to get a bout of it IYKWIM)

Appologies to anyone with a long term unreliable illness - no offence meant!

Porca - must have cross posted, glad I'm not the only one to suggest lying

What dopeydoot said. This could solve your problem if you can get a reciprocal agreement with her. But you will actually have to ask for what you want, instead of just going ahead with what she wants!

She's said she has other people to babysit who can't make the night she wants, so she's hardly going to be seriously offended by you saying you can't make it, if you decide not to do it.

If she has other sitters are they friends/family or people she pays? If it's someone she pays in more of a job format maybe you could ask her for one of their numbers, then at least you'll get a sitter out of it too!

I'm a nanny, if you live near Glasgow I'll come babysit for you!

Sounds like you need to negotiate. And I might be wrong, but why do you want to babysit for a stranger just to be nice? From your post, it sounds like you would rather have a reciprocal arrangement with someone in a similar situation where no money changes hands.

I don't think it's unreasonable to say like dopey suggested - we were at cross purposes - actually I'm looking for someone who I can do childcare swaps with... It might take a bit of time to find the right person, but you have to ask around. And no shame in turning this woman down, as she obviously gets out plenty - charity begins at home remember!

"but why do you want to babysit for a stranger just to be nice?"

erm, because I am nice?

Well I was asked to, by a third party, and the context was that I was low because we hardly ever get to go out, and they were presented as being in an even needier position.

You could ask any volunteer worker why they want to do what they do just to be nice.

But I certainly didn't put out a card in a newsagents' window offering free babysitting for anyone just to be nice. I kind of thought I'd better offer in case the lady was climbing the walls/at the end of her rope for want of a night out, but it turns out she gets out a lot more than I do.