Mother-in-laws

[Allyinoz]

I try really hard with my mother-in-law. But I feel really underwhelmed by her lack of interest/help in and with my son.

I live in Australia with my husband near his family, my family live 13,000kms away,

My DS is 2, obviously he stills need a lot of care and attention. I work and he goes to childcare.

My mother in law helps out occasionally, but it always seems under duress. Without her help I cannot go to the doctor/dentist etc etc. We rarely go out as we just don't want to trouble her. It just all seems too hard.

We haven't found other babysitters as yet. She has another 4 grandchildren who she sees at family get togethers. She raised 3 kids and I can understand that she may be over it. She is retired and of reasonable health.

One of the reasons I want to return to the UK is this lack of interest. AIBU?

How long have you lived in Australia for? Before you moved, did the MIL say that she would help you out?

We moved to Australia 4 years ago but have no family here at all. Sometimes we think about moving back to the UK to have the family support but in reality we didn't get that much help (as all family were spread across the UK rather than being "local")

Have you tried contacting your local Early Childhood Health Centre? They might be able to put you in touch with other parents with children your DS' age. Or try bubhub.com.au or essentialbaby.com.au as there's often "meet-ups" on there.

Also check out www.britishexpats.com/forum as there's some great help/support on there from people in the same boat as you. The "moving back to the UK" forum is also interesting to read as it makes you realise you're not alone in wanting to move back sometimes...

HTH a bit - got to dash as currently mushing up a batch fruit for DD2 while she naps!

MN orthodoxy is generally that anyone who expects the tiniest bit of unpaid support is being fantastically unreasonable, but I disagree.

We moved back to my home country when DD was 10 months old in large part because of the family support, and so she could grow up in a loving extended family.

If you can get support and involvement from your family but not your DH's, that's a perfectly legitimate factor to consider when you're weighing up where to live.

If you did move back to the UK, would your family really give you more practical help? Or do you think that it's just something they say they'll do - does that make sense?

I disagree, ninedragons. there is no MN orthodoxy, there is only the opinions of individuals.

OP doesn't say whether the MIL helps out with the other GGs or not; the post implies that she doesn't: "sees them at get-togethers". if she's even-handed in her lack of involvement, then there's no cause for complaint.

Did your DH say that she would help? If you are sure you'd get the help in the UK, then you may need to think again.
On the other hand, how long have you been here? Do you have any friends? I find it took ages to make friends, though that is as much to do with me as them, I suspect. Working full-time can be bugger for getting to know local parents.

It may be different where you live but all doctors/dentists do Saturday morning surgeries where I live.

Everything is magnified by distance, I find, and it's not easy all the time.

Sorry if this seems a bit jumbled.

Living so far from home is really tough at times, especially with young children. It's such a shame your mil doesn't seem to be interested in your ds, especially as she lives so close to you.

We moved back from Australia in August. I was homesick and missed relatives. Our dc have so many cousins around the same age, and I felt they were missing out by being so far away. All our relatives live an hour away though so we still can't really rely on family members for childcare if needed.

Agree with Tigurr, about the expat forum, I posted on there many times! There are plenty of 'meet ups' at local parks, where you can make contacts. A lot of expats stick together and can provide amazing support.

Would you consider some kind of day care for your ds, for one day a week so that you can go to appointments? That way you might find one of the carers to babysit in the evenings for you.

YANBU to expect the odd bit of help. I do think that people who expect parents / in-laws to do regular scheduled childcare is unreasonable (fine if the people in question want to do this) but we all need a bit of help sometimes. Doctors, dentists etc all need to be visited and can be tough with a LO in tow, and a night out every so often isn't too much to ask if your LO sleeps during it!

Hope you find some help!

I agree with you OP. I think that GPs would be happy to help out occassionally but my MIL doesn't bother either. She sees my DS about every 5 weeks (if that) for a couple of hours when she meets my DH. Then she complains that she doesn't see much of DS. She only works 3 hours a day from 5 so she is free all day to see DS but the last time she had him for an afternoon was about 9/10 months ago.

I also agree that many people on MN think that YABU if you expect GPs to take more of an interest. I don't think YANBU but I think there could be more underlying issues of why you want to come home, which is understandable living so far away from your family.

OP, have you actually asked your MIL to babysit?

You work & your 2yr old has childcare when you do-what do you want your MIL to do about that?

Why can´t you go to the doctors/dentist without her help?

YANBU to expect a bit of help from family especially taking into account the fact that you live so far away from your own family.

Saying that, I know from bitter experience you are only the daughter-in-law and somehow the rules are always different when it comes to any help from your MIL or SILs.

I hope you are able to get some more reliable help. We don't live near our families at all and a night out is a really big deal for us!!

Good luck!

(Could your DH speak to her about it?)

I don't think there's an orthodoxy.

I suspect what there is is a reality and a widespread experience of v. little practical gp support. Just because most of us live so far from our extended families and because the days when gp (and I suspect we really mean grandmas, ie women) took it for granted that they worked within the family and took on caring roles (for grandchildren, for elderly relatives, and so on,) as they arose.

Also, I, personally, don't like the implication that (female) grandparents should take on caring work and are "bad" if they don't. It hints a little of cultural and social pressure and has a taste of embedded sexism,

That said, it's hurtful if love is felt to be not there, or not expressed through the "love-work" of "helping out".

I would suggest, though, before you do something as major as move a continent, actually checking how much support there would be back here. I found that, although my parents were willing and loving, in fact, they lived so far away ... I was very much in the same position as you. Mind you, we could all visit each other more easily. That makes a big difference.

And of course, I knew that they weren't there because of distance, rather than choice - with all the implications of withheld affection that carries. That is a huge difference; emotionally at least.

Hope things get better for you.

My head tells me that no of course you can't expect help from anyone, even GPs. However I feel strongly for you, OP. I think that having a grandparent who actively wants to be with you, wants to have time with you and a special relationship with you, is just so precious and such a shame for the GPs and the children when this doesn't happen.

I am always wondering if I could do any more to make my ds and my PIL closer. But then I look back and there have been a million ways I've tried, and MIL has not made the most of it. I remember phoning her the day that I was going to buy ds his first ever pair of shoes.....she told me that her daughter had got there first and booked her for a trip out. Fine. But if it had been me, and my DIL phoning with that request, I would have fallen over myself to say "but could you hold on til tomorrow, and we could go together then?" or something. There have been so many instances like this. she's basically only interested to a certain degree and that's that. I think you have to accept that about some people - they're happy with a superficial family relationship with their grandchildren. If you want more, and feel your family would provide it, I don't blame you one bit for wanting to move back. Not only is it nice for you to have their support, it's special for your children to experience a really profound and close relationship with grandparents. And they only get one chance at it don't they - childhood is short, and old age creeps up on the GPs!

SO relate to this post!!

We live in Berkeley, USA - PIL on the other side of the coast in New England, own family even further away in Old England so totally on our own (like many others on this thread and IRL.)

When we do see relatives - about 20 days a year for each set of parents - my own mum is fan-friggin'-tastic - just dives right in and is completely amazing (like, got up with me for Every Single Night Feeding cos DS had trouble latching on and she's a GP with loads of b'feeding knowledge). MIL - not so much - we just went to stay with her for Christmas (traveling 3,000 miles with 2.5 year old and 6 months preg) and she left Every Single Day we were there for 4-5 hours during the day (including Christmas Day!) to see her horse. And wasn't helpful when she was around, either.

So, how we cope is to have made great circle of friends/neighbors who live locally and with whom I do swaps so that we can see doctors/dentists/have quiet coffee, etc. It took about a year to build up the community, and works really, really well now. We really are like own family to each other.

And with our daughter arriving in the Spring, we've just bitten the bullet and are going to get 15 hours week paid Mother's Helper so I don't go insane.

Is any of this helpful? To know there are others in your situation? Or to know how we cope with it? I really can feel your pain and very much empathise!!

Hmm, my first GC (only 6mo atm) practically lives with me (and his parents), I'm happy to provide whatever support and babysitting is required. But I'd have absolutely no interest whatsoever in going to buy his first shoes.

Many people who live far from parents and ILs do manage to go the dentist or doctor, though. I've had gynaecological investigations with ds strapped in his pushchair. At that age, they are not even going to understand if the doctor tells you you've got something nasty.

I agree that it is a good idea if GPs help out and I would certainly want to do so if I ever became a grandparent.

But it's also a good idea to think of ways of managing on your own.

Even if you do return to the UK, there is no guarantee that your own family will stay fit and able to help us. My MIL turned very rapidly from somebody who was able to help people to somebody who needed help herself.

Totally sympathise with OP, being so far from family etc but I also notice a vein of sexism in these kind of posts (not necessarily your one, OP) that places lots of emotional baggage/ hurt etc on female relatives while male relatives are rarely mentioned.

Of course anybody would want to have inlaws who happily babysit for them, but at the end of the day you chose to have your DC/S and it's up to you to organise childcare etc.

What does your DH think, does he think she's being unreasonable?

My relatives were all in UK but several hours away. It's nonsense to say you "can't" go to the GP without free relative childcare. You either take the sprog with you or pay for a childminder babysitter.
I've never regarded relatives as free childcare. Ours were all working when they were preschool anyway.
Agree don't see why this is the MIL's job any more than FIL.
I expect to be still working when my kids have sprogs and to still have my hobbies.

FWIW, oldlady your situation is so different - maybe you would have said yes to a shoe trip if you didn't ever offer babysitting, or support or see your grandchild often....it's not about the shoes, it's about a DIL offering contact and it being refused! That's what is upsetting, or as Ally said in the OP, 'underwhelming', just a bit depressing really.

Thousands and thousands and thousands of us manage with no childcare from grandparents. I think the expectations you have are making you unhappy and you just have to let it go and accept that your MIL does not want to provide childcare for you. It is not an uncommon problem. I understand how you feel but you are making yourself feel like this, no one else is.

Apart from a good friend of mine, NO-ONE has ever looked after dd for us apart from paid babysitters. Dd is nearly 6. We've managed and these days we live miles from the nearest family.

I had a potential child care emergency recently, and it was a kindly MNetter who offered to help out. My only other option was to ask one of dd's friends parents. I'm sure I'm not alone it that.

When you say lack of "interest" do you mean "help" or does she not see your family socially either.

Agree with Portofino; it would be helpful to be given some particulars.

Is she uninterested in your dc as a person, or is it just that she doesn't want to babysit? To me, it would be the lack of interest that would be a big issue; I would accept it a lack of willingness to babysit.

You do actually say that she does babysit sometimes, though grudgingly. How often is this? (am wondering if someone who doesn't even think you can go to the doctor with a toddler might not be expecting quite frequent baby-sitting).

Does your dc have any other contact with her/speak to her on the phone/go to see her at her house etc?

I do think there are some occasions that are near impossible with a small child such as sitting in a dentist's chair for an hour having root canal or similar. My toddler would scream the place down strapped into his pushchair for that long so I do not think the OP is unreasonable to need help for such things.

Also 4-year-olds or even younger can pick up information you may rather they didn't from gp appointments so I find it rather generalising to suggest you can bring your lo to every appointment.

Also it seems that the overall feeling is one of sadness and disappointment that the gps are not as involved in their grandchildren's lives as wll as homesickness. It is hard managing without help. The suggestions to go on the expat thread sound like good ones to me.

Yes, of course a root canal is something totally different. But the OP seemed to be implying that she couldn't go to the doctor or dentist at all and that she and her partner were unable to go out.

Of course it is very sad if the grandparents are not at all involved; but the only type of involvement the OP seems to be asking for her is for the MIL to help her out when she (the OP) needs it. There are hundreds of other ways of being involved in your grandchildren's lives which are still immensely beneficial to the grandchildren; the OP just doesn't tell us whether there is any chance of such involvement.

I just wouldn't have read MIL is not willing to help me out= MIL doesn't care for my dd. My MIL has hardly ever babysat, possibly would not haver wanted to do so, but still has a very close relationship to my dcs; it's just about other things.

If the OP gets none of that, then she does indeed have my sympathy.

I suppose what would worry me would be that the OP would give her MIL the idea that unless she came up with exactly the support she (the OP) needed, she couldn't possibly care for her grandchild and their relationship wasn't worth anything anyway. Which might lead to contact being completely cut off.

(Possibly extrapolating from having a mother who disliked her MIL. Which was fair enough- but she was still my grandmother, and frankly I didn't care if she got up my mum's nose or not)