to distance myself from this friend

[frogthistle]

OK, here we go (first AIBU), deep breath...

I have a friend who I have known for 2 or 3 years, we live very close to each other & have seen each other a lot. Popped in for a cup of tea/glass of wine & let kids go mad in garden etc etc.

She is lovely, very kind, wants to be superwoman with work/life/house/children but... (here I go) wants to compete on absolutely everything child-related (TV, clothes, development, activities, interests, behaviour - you name it, her child is just wonderful at it). She has one DD. I have two DDs, none of them are exactly the same age but all under 6.

It got to the stage where I have just had enough of hearing about 'wonderchild' on every single opportunity, even when it's not part of the chat. Her DD is normal (within the vast spectrum of normality), as are mine. Occasionally, all of them are angelic and/or hellish. Normal kids.

The competition aspect has developed in recent months to oneupmanship on pretty much everything & has become more personal. I.E. we had made arrangements to go out in a wider group in a vague way, on one date or another, tbc closer to the time. When we begin to confirm details, she tells me that we agreed one of the dates for certain. I checked my emails & said 'no, x or Y date, which one are we going for?'. Huge huff taken at this, with the response 'no, we agreed Y date, that is what you should have in your diary'.

I'm giving a one-off example of the kind of silliness & 'quick to take offence' scenarios which have happened more frequently in recent months. I know that by itself, this is really unimportant.

But, honestly, she's hard work these days, I like her a lot but I don't want to have to be quite so dominated all the time nor have the wonderchild nonsense all the blooming time. Since just before Christmas, I used the natural break of more family-related activities to curtail the number of times we saw each other. Incredible offence has been taken at this, to the extent that when I saw her this last weekend at a children's event, she could hardly bring herself to speak to me.

I'm tired of this, AIBU to distance myself in this way?

Imo, friends should not be hard work.
I'd distance myself and leave the room for other friends.

IMHO you should just limit how often you see this friend. she probably doesn't even realise she's doing anything wrong.

YANBU.

Must be tiring for her recounting all the things her DD is better at so better you cool things for her sake

Well, osunds like she is distancing her slf form you, by hardly speaking to you.

Maybe this freindship will naturally dwindle now anyway.

I agree with nicky, who put it brilliantly! Friends shouldn't be hard work. If you dread spending time with someone - why bother?

YANBU
I'd cool it down with her. No need for a row of corse.
Do you think she is insecure and uses this one-up-manship to cover it up?

Speedy replies, wow, thanks!

Think Nicky's assessment was what I was perhaps hoping for! I do feel a little guilty in distancing myself when she seems to take everything to heart quite so much.

Kinnies - interesting, I really hadn't thought of that - duh - but yes, she does want to tell me all about her life's fantastic achievements (work, holidays) & then wonders out loud why I don't do the exact same thing. I've said to her several times that we have different interests/ambitions/desires & that I'm just happy if she's happy with what she's doing.

Hmmmmm, I may ponder that further.

I'm with kinnies and was also going to post that she seems quite insecure. Usually the case in my experience when people are so quick to go on about how great they / their dc are in comparison to you / yours.

YANBU to be fed up with this but if she genuinely is (/was) a good friend i would maybe try and smile and nod when she does the 'my dd is so wonderful' thing and let her irritations about arrangements wash over your head. Then arrange stuff that suits you and see if she is the friend you once knew then.

Of course this sounds like hard work so if you feel that on balance it is not worth it then I would try to move away. you know whether the effort might be worth it...

Try telling her how you feel? I'd want my friends to be able to tell me when I'm being a bit off. If she gets offended; well then, you know where you stand. Win win.

Oh God - totally reminded me of a former friend that I had to distance myself from cos I couldn't take all the pressure of 'my child is wonderful, what is your child doing?' (they were newborns to under a year during the time I knew her) so, um, my reply was 'he is crying, more crying, feeding and sort of/not sleeping' while her (monthly!) 200 pictures to all the bloomin' friends and family showed her 'wonderful' DD getting ready to take over the world by... rolling over!!!.... standing up!!!!.... walking!!!!

OMG - so over it, especially with another one on the way.

So, in a nutshell - agree with Nicky - shouldn't be this hard work, and you really shouldn't dread seeing her.

YANBU if it is making you fed up

Deep down she probably is deeply insecure and has to validate herself and how 'good' a mum she is at every opportunity.

Yes, indeed 14hours.

She wanted me to watch her DD's nativity play in full (her DD is 3) on the camcorder. I attend my own DDs' nativity plays & take one or two pics but that's it. Cute & sweet & full of pride for the 3.5secs your own DC is centre stage as a non-speaking donkey (or whatever) but pretty turgid stuff in general.

I think I might take a middle line by ignoring the sulking, distance myself on the more day-to-day dropping in for tea etc & make sure I include her on group activities where the opportunity to smile & change the topic of conversation is much easier. I don't think a straightforward discussion on this would have a positive outcome so am reluctant to do this.

I feel so much better about this & quite relieved I survived AIBU this time! So far, anyway...

Good Lord! Even reading brief posts about this woman is making me tired. I'd drop her like a hot brick, but I have no tolerance for bragginess. It's selfish and icky.

There are better friends out there if you look for them!

Oh, yeah, don't tell her straight out. Just bow out gracefully.

YANBU, I have no time for friends that are hard work anymore. I wasted so much time (pre DS) chasing around friends, always being the one to call and arrange something etc. One friend who I have known since we were 10 didn't even come and see me when I had DS. He was 6 months bu the time she visited and that was only cause I bumped into her in town and we made arrangements there. I had offered to go to hers but she always said "oh no, i'll come to you". Recently I hadn't seen her for a year, even though she works up the road from where I live. She came over, stayed an hour, spent the whole time texting on her phone, then suddenly announed that so and so was picking her up. This was after she had asked me to give her a lift home. I decided that after 17 years of her being a pretty crap friend I really couldn't be bothered anymore, which is sad when we do get on well and really have a laugh.

If she is that much hard work, then it is just not worth it IMHO.