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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to stay and settle in my preschooler?

22 replies

badger2005 · 12/01/2010 10:56

My ds (4) has been going to a preschool 4 mornings a week for about a year. He settled in there no problem. The staff let me stay if I felt I needed to, and I stayed for about an hour the first day, and then occasionally 20 minutes or so when he wanted me to at other times. Nearly everyday he runs in happily. It is a very small preschool just down the road.
Now we are moving, and will be near a school with a 'nursery' (for 2.5 - 5 year olds) attached. He will still be going to his old preschool 2 mornings a week as it is near his childminder and I work those two days (whhen she has my 1 year old all day too).
My plan was to have him in the new nursery class for 2 mornings a week, partly so it would be easy to get him there (I don't drive - but I could make it over to the old preschool if necessary) and also because it is a way of preparing for school, as the nursery have sessions where they go over to the school for stories etc.
We visited the nursery and everything seemed okay. Not as small as the old preschool, and maybe a bit 'bossier', but fine. But we went to the intro session yesterday and it turns out that I am not allowed to stay with ds at all on the first day. The preschool staff say 'it works better this way, as the child is not confused' - but my ds is 4, not 2.5, and he would understand that I'm just staying for a short while. The staff also said that the other children would find it upsetting if I'm there, as they all want their mum. I kind of see what they mean, but I just feel so sad at the idea of leaving my ds with people he doesn't know at all. By the time I left my ds alond at his old preschool, we had talked together to a teacher, and he did vaguely know one child.
Perhaps he'd be fine - I just don't know.
Do you think it is an unreasonable policy of the nursery? Or am I being unreasonable?
What should I do? Give the new nursery a try? Or just cancel the plan and stay 4 days at the preschool? I think that my ds might be disappointed with that as he is excited by all the play equipment at the nursery, but I don't know whether he'll be okay there all on his own.
And yes, before you ask, he is a PFB.
I have a sort of heavy feeling in my stomach thinking about this - please give me some advice!

OP posts:

kreecherlivesupstairs · 12/01/2010 11:03

I don't think you are being unreasonable wanting to stay with him but, I don't think the nursery is being unreasonable having this rule either. I think you need to decide what's best for him in the long run. You did say he was excited by the play equipment. If it were me, I'd put my dd in the new place, but I am hard.

MadameCastafiore · 12/01/2010 11:04

Yes YABU - they know how this works best and it is best that your son just gets used to the fact that mummy won't be hanging around.

And who actually are you??? I mean you could be anyone could't you? Would I want you there when my child is? Have you got a recent CRB check that is for that nursery?

Picante · 12/01/2010 11:06

OMG Madame slight overreaction there.

Francagoestohollywood · 12/01/2010 11:12

I'm sure your son will settle pretty quickly but I think the nursery policy is a bit unreasonable.
My dd joined a new nursery school last year. She was 4 and I stayed there for 1 hr for 3 days (despite the fact that she settled in 5 mins, as her best friend was there). The settling in period is very important.

Original poster

badger2005 · 12/01/2010 11:14

Okay - I get the point about the CRB check. I hadn't thought of that. I do actually have a CRB check, but not for that nursery.
At the old preschool, when I stayed for that first hour, my and ds had more or less the full attention of a teacher who was getting to know ds, so I don't think any other parents would have been worried. (In any case, parents help on a rota with some small tasks which mean they are sometimes in the preschool.)

I don't totally get the point that the nursery knows best though, because surely it varies from child to child? I have successfully settled my child in with his other preschooler and with his childminder, and staying for a short while until it felt familiar seemed to work well for him.

OP posts:

Morloth · 12/01/2010 11:15

DS started Reception when he was 4 (June baby). I kissed him at the gate and he took off. He probably won't need you there, it is horrible for us, but they really don't.

hazeyjane · 12/01/2010 11:17

I think the nursery is being a bit unreasonable, all children are different, some might be better off being left straight away, and others need to feel secure in a new environment before their parent leaves them (my dd's would definately be the latter).

Lots of parents stay with their children for a bit at dd's preschool, and they are not crb checked, because they are not left with the children unsupervised - what a strange thing to say!

havoc · 12/01/2010 11:18

He is used to you leaving him, though isn't he? I would do as the nursery say the first time, but if there is a problem, ask to stay for a while the second time.

I'm sure he'll be fine.

thisisyesterday · 12/01/2010 11:19

i don't think you;'re being unreasonable at all.

we looked at several nurseries for ds1 and every single one of them were happy for us to stay and settle him in as long as he needed it.

you don't need a crb check, that's ridiculous, he's your child and if he needs you the first few times then you should be allowed to.

i definitely wouldn't use it if they have that kind of attitude. would make me wonder what they're like on other issues, and when you aren't there

diddl · 12/01/2010 11:22

Well,as you say he´s 4 & has been going somewhere for a year-should be fine.

"The staff let me stay if I felt I needed to"-you mean if you felt he needed you to?

TBH, there´s not much worse than having a mother around for making the child unsettled.

hazeyjane · 12/01/2010 11:23

Dd is (just about!) ok with being left at her preschool, but would need a settling in period if left somewhere else, that is just her personality, she is wary of new things, and doesn't like groups of children.

Original poster

badger2005 · 12/01/2010 11:27

Yes - of course I mean if I felt he needed me to! He played close to me and the teacher for a while, then he took off to play with something else. When I noticed he was absorbed in something, I went over and said I was leaving and he nodded, so I left.

OP posts:

hazeyjane · 12/01/2010 11:28

"TBH, there´s not much worse than having a mother around for making the child unsettled."

is this always the case with all children, Diddl?

claw3 · 12/01/2010 11:28

Bagder, you did say you wanted to prepare him for school. When he starts school you wont be able to stay with him, look at it as preparation.

thisisyesterday · 12/01/2010 11:29

not necessarily true claw

we are welcome to stay with our children in reception while we settle them in.
very few need it now, but there are a couple whose mums still stay for 15-20 mins

they open doors early, so that this can be done

Original poster

badger2005 · 12/01/2010 11:34

Claw3 - Yes, I did hope that it would help with going to school. But what I hoped was that he could settle untraumatically into nursery, and then that would help make settling into school easy. The nursery visit the school for story time, so it should already be familiar, and I thought he could also get to know some people who would be going there (as I don't think anyone will be from his old preschool).
But if there has to be a traumatic settling-into-nursery period (I don't know whether it will be traumatic), then that kind of defeats the point. Perhaps we could just as well go for a sudden switch when he starts school... Unsure!

OP posts:

claw3 · 12/01/2010 11:34

thisisyesterday, we werent allowed to stay, it did result in a few leg clingers and tears though!

I could imagine the disruption if all 30 parents decided to stay!

claw3 · 12/01/2010 11:39

Badger, i thought usually schools didnt like you to stay, but nurseries tend to be a bit more accommodating and let you stay.

When ds first started nursery all the new kids, had staggered starting times for the first few days, to avoid lots of parents all being there at the same time.

Bit harsh of the nursery not to let you stay for at least a few minutes the first time.

diddl · 12/01/2010 11:52

No it´s not always the case, but ime, unless exceptional circumstances, children settle better when mother not there.

Obviously OP knows her child, but it´s not as if he´s not used to going anywhere.

I don´t tink it´s unreasonable of the nursery tbh.

Original poster

badger2005 · 12/01/2010 14:27

Would it be reasonable to give it a go, under their rules, and see how ds gets on? Old preschool place will still be open if it goes disastrously. Or do you think that this risks causing upset possibly for nothing?

Also do you think it is odd for a nursery to say this? Does it say bad things about the nursery more generally?

Thank you so so much for all your replies.

OP posts:

gingernutlover · 12/01/2010 14:41

just take him and do a trial sessiona nd see how it goes.

dont make a big thing out of not being allowed to stay to him. If he asks then say, he ia a big boy now so mummy wont be staying or say there isnt enough room for the mummys or something. At four he is perfectly able to udnerstand either of these as they are both true.

You obviously like the nursery enough to be asking this so give it a go.

I also would say that the nursery arent being unreasonable to have this as a general rule - assuming they are flexible enough to decide on a course of action should your son not settle after a few sessions.

My DD started nursery at 11 months and also started preschool in sept age 4 - I didnt stay for any settling in sessions at either time since they werent offered and I felt it was best she understood I was not going to come with her.

mayorquimby · 12/01/2010 14:50

Perfectly sensible policy.And yanbu to disagree with the rule and decide that you don't like the rules so you don't send your child there.
YABU if you decide to send your child there,knowing full-well what their rules are and complain about them or expect to be allowed to stay on when no one else is.

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