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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New Parenting Approach

20 replies

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 10/01/2010 23:12

AIBU to think that a long standing friend who says "you need to change the way that you parent your children" in the middle of a girlie shopping trip is maybe not such a good friend.

I still can't work out what I said to trigger her comment.

Didn't know what to say to her really - we were out together having travelled in the same car so didn't like to make a scene.

But now I'm thinking that I need to back off from her a bit. She made a nasty comment on one previous occasion too which I had thought was a one off.

OP posts:

JaynieB · 10/01/2010 23:18

Does your friend have kids? Its a bit rude to make that sort of comment uninvited...or invited for that matter...

snowedinwithJjandtheBean · 10/01/2010 23:20

she said what?

sorry but YADEFFNBU!!

although id have probably done the same, not the time or the place for a confrontation, but find out what on earth she thought she was saying, thats is overly rude!

wukter · 10/01/2010 23:21

That sounds odd.
Does she have children herself? If so, do they get on with yours? No squabbles, hitting, sharing toys etc?

Original poster

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 10/01/2010 23:23

Glad it's not just me!

She does have kids and is a good parent. She has no issues with her kids though and I do. I genuinely think she thinks I'm a bad parent in comparison with her and that she ought to tell me. If it's not that then why would she say it?

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Original poster

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 10/01/2010 23:25

Wukter - we have two each and are connected via teenage DS's of same age (who get on very well)

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Spannerweb · 10/01/2010 23:27

I guess it depends on how and why she said it, whether she explained the comment and what prompted her to say it right at that moment.

Sometimes, we don?t see ourselves the way others can unless and until it?s blatantly pointed out. If you know what she was trying to get at, it might be worth being brutally honest with yourself and considering whether there was a grain of truth in it.

If however, it was an off the cuff remark in response to something completely different and if her previous comments were also fired at you randomly, I?d suggest asking her outright what her problem is and why she feels the need to keep having a pop at you.

If she still keeps at it, she?s baggage she can do without.

wukter · 10/01/2010 23:31

Maybe she thinks your DS is a bad influence on her DS? It's a rude comment but there must e some reason she said it, even if she is BU.

Original poster

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 10/01/2010 23:34

She didn't explain it. In fact, I was so surprised that I explained again to her what I had just said as I thought that she may have misunderstood what I had said but she didn't really say anything so then I backed off so as to avoid a confrontation.

I do think that she does genuinely think I'm not doing what I can for my kids but think that's pretty unfair tbh. XP left three months ago and have had crap year but in the circumstances I think I'm doing what I can. TBH she has no experience of being a single parent so I think what I am dealing with at the moment is completely outside of her experience.

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Original poster

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 10/01/2010 23:37

Wukter- maybe she thinks that but I don't think that's very likely.

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JaynieB · 10/01/2010 23:39

Sounds to me as if you could end up not being friends if you did get her to explain it...might be better to find someone else to be your sounding board about stuff at the moment.

Mermaidspam · 10/01/2010 23:57

Have you asked her what she meant? I can;t really think of a way that could be said in a positive light though....

Spannerweb · 11/01/2010 00:21

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt - I know you tried avoiding it that day and I appreciate it?s not the most pleasant thing in the world, but you know what? I think this one needs tackling head on.

Personally, I would time it well and very calmly say something like ?Please don?t think I?m trying to be awkward here but you know the other day when you said ? It?s been bothering me ever since. You may well do things totally differently when you?ve got kids but until you have and unless your relationship breaks down and you find yourself standing right in my shoes, just lay off a little?

snowedinwithJjandtheBean · 11/01/2010 00:45

hope it goes ok spannerweb, i cant completely understand it bothering you, ive had my fair share of toxic comments from an ex friend, although sometimes its a genuinely thoughtless moment and they mean no harm!

let us know how it goes x

Spannerweb · 11/01/2010 01:00

Snowedin. It's bothering "IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt", not me.

Still, I need all the help I can get anyway.... generally speaking I mean.

Madascheese · 11/01/2010 06:51

Ifyouhappy

YADNBU at all...

Ok, single Mum advice here. The ONLY parenting style you need to think about right now is the one that gets you through.

If my friends weren't prepared to come and bring cake/new jokes/wine/total sympathy and were prepared to get stuck in and do whatever practical stuff I needed a hand whe I split with ex I spent no time with them.

I was very clear with people and told them what support I needed.

Right now you don't need to be wasting time and energy justifying yourself to ANYONE and I mean anyone, you need to concentrate on getting yourself and your DC

Take it easy on yourself, you are doing a marvellous job and if you're managing to get yourself and your DC fed and out of the house accasionally.

Good luck
xMad

nancydrewrocks · 11/01/2010 06:57

Think we need to know what she said it in response to.

If it was in response to "DC is driving me mad, he is snorting coke, got another girlfriend pregnant and is in Court again on Wednesday" YABU.

If it was in response to "I like this shirt, do you think it would suit me?" then YANBU

Context is everything.

Original poster

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 11/01/2010 08:14

We were talking about a party our DSs were going to. There had been some debate about whether the party was ok or not / what they might get up to. Alcohol/no alcohol etc. Immediately before the comment I had said that I planned to collect DS from the party as I was not happy about him walking home so late, but that DS was not happy about that. That's when she said it. I was so surprised when she said what she said that I said "I said he wasn't happy about being collected, I didn't say - ok fine to walk home" as first of all I thought she had misheard me. She didn't say anything and then we were quiet for a bit and moved on to other things.

I have thought about saying something since, but to be honest, although I have a difficult situation at home and am having to make some hard decisions, I really don't think that I am making a total hash of it. I don't get everything right but am not superhuman. TBH, if I thought that she could give me some constructive help I would take it immediately as life is pretty tough at the moment and I do have lots of other friends who do offer advice and are very supportive. And so is she in a way, but I wouldn't go to her for advice at the moment because I think I kind of agree with you Madascheese. Spanner, if the right opportunity arises, I may do something like you have suggested at some point, but tbh I'm not sure it's worth it as I'm beginning to think that she's perhaps just on a totally different wavelength to me and my other friends and just perhaps not what I need at the moment.

OP posts:

thesecondcoming · 11/01/2010 08:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nancydrewrocks · 11/01/2010 11:18

I agree with thesecondcoming. Her comment was not apropos of nothing.

Giving her the benefit of the doubt, could she perhaps see that you are struggling a bit at the moment and in her own heavy handed manner was trying to help?

Could her comment have been an "opener" after which she might have given more specific advice if you had appeared receptive to it (which you clearly didn't and it sounds like perhaps she was as embarassed as you were shocked)

IMO if you do complain about the way in which your children behave (and lets face of it most of us do) you should expect people to offer "advice" whether you want it or not.

Original poster

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 11/01/2010 17:30

Thanks for the comments.

I do think in her own way she would like to help and perhaps didn't want to offend. Just an unusual way of saying that maybe. TBH, I'm not able to share quite a lot of stuff with her at the moment as she's too local for that to be possible at the moment, so to some extent, she may be noticing and feeling a bit frustrated by that.

I wasn't complaining when we talked, we were just chatting about DSs really - she had been talking for a while about similar stuff when we got to this point in the conversation and had been stressing about how her DS was going to get home so I just filled her in on what I was planning to do as was offering her son a lift home.

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